1. An Army of monkeys
I know what you are thinking… but hear me out. Monkeys are expert shit-flingers. I’m by no means an expert on aliens but I am sure they don’t like to have shit flung at them. Lasers are no match for excrement; all they do is make it hot, stink more, and splatter. We all know aliens use lasers and nothing else. The monkey army will render their weapons useless and they will turn tail like the French army in a world war.
2. Offer them our leaders if they will go away
We kill two birds with one stone here; we get rid of the aliens and the people who fucked up our planet in the first place. Hey… sometimes a leader must sacrifice for the good of the people. That’s the bullshit line we will feed them anyways. Important: when the aliens come to drop them back off – you can bet they will – we are going to have to turn off all the lights and just act like we aren’t here.
3. Threaten them with disturbing porn
The likes of which they have never even fathomed… Imagine an army of fur-clad Star Trek geeks on Segways charging the mother ship… not to fight, but to make ugly, dirty, perverted, stinky, nasty man-love all over the alien troopers. This group of brave but sick fucks will most likely get blasted out of existence and the aliens will decide maybe they don’t want the Earth after all. Win-win.
4. Send them some free crack as a peace offering
We can tell them it is what our species calls “apples” and it is tradition to offer it to our conquerors. Of course they will come back for more. That’s when we replace their "apples" with anthrax marinated in bleach mixed with some bad heroin. If they come back for more of that shit we need to find out what the hell they smoke on their own planet and get some of it stat.
5. Trick them with a spam email
Tell them our name is Mr. Abdul Rasheed, the true king of Nigeria, and we can give them all the earths’ riches if only they give us their social security number, credit card number, and $50 as a transaction fee. After they find out they got ripped off they will be too owned to continue on with their invasion and go home ashamed and ridiculed.
6. Another monkey idea
We can hide in caves and let monkeys live in our houses until the aliens come down and destroy them all. The aliens will be satisfied we are dead because all primates look alike to them. As soon as they leave we can clean up the monkey guts and go about our business. It is foolproof; except we may not have enough caves for everyone. Some people may have to just stand really still and hope not to get noticed…
7. Let them try to govern us for a while
After they see the kind of mess we have made with our systems of government they will pack up their panties and head home faster than you can say “ET just stole my god damn bicycle!” The paperwork alone involved in such a takeover would be a nightmare of such epic proportions that if they did stay they would be too busy for at least the next few centuries to give us any kind of problems at all. Who knows, they might even fix something…
8. Scare them away with our superior bullshit
Aliens really do not want to have anything to do with us if they have even a shred of decency or honor in their entire race. We will just commercialize it. All humans know how to do is talk each other into fucking things up. Maybe that is why the rest of the universe doesn’t try to make contact with us. We’re the unwanted assholes of the galaxy. Ah well... fuck them. They aren't human they don't matter.
9. Trade them our planet for their spaceships
Fuck it. Take the planet. It’s already half broken anyways. Give us those spaceships. Think of the destruction we could cause then. Screw invading Iraq; let’s go blow up Jupiter! Let’s find some poor peace-loving people and threaten them with lasers if they don’t agree to buy our pornographic videos and genetically enhanced vegetable products. If you can’t beat the invading aliens, might as well become the invading aliens.
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