Bad Ideas for Kids Names

1. "I want my baby's name to stand out! Nothing's worse than being the third or fourth John or Mary in the class, and besides, it's like having an unusual brand name -- se'll have an advantage when they look for a job and people see hir name on a resume."

   Actually, there is something worse. As the RL bearer of a once-nonstandard name, it's been kind of tough growing up with a name no one else had (and cre8tive respellings can be just as bad). Children, like everyone else, mentally classify people as being Like Us or Not Like Us, and having a fairly-standard first name is part of this. If you're a Leanna in an Angela and Tricia-centered school, people are going to classify you as being "not like us" even before they've met you. (Never mind being called Shellsea Summer...) It's a fact that African-American creatively-named children are discriminated against, even by other Blacks, if only because it sounds as if their mother was more interested in "acting Black" than they were in insuring a mainstream, and therefore, more successful future for their children. Sad, but true. So, think twice, and then think again, if you want to go the unusual/unique route in baby naming. Besides, if you're so convinced that they're not going to stand out in life, there are far better ways of doing this...like radical body modification.

2. "Nothing's more romantic than naming the baby for where it was conceived.."

   Remember how icky it was, thinking of your parents having sex? Don't you think your kid is going to be thinking the same thing? Why remind them of it every time you call them?

3. "I want to name my little girl something upscale...like Ashley or Tiffany, or, if it's a boy, perhaps Abercrombie or Carrington to give them an advantage in life."

   Naming a child for a brand name is never upscale, and trying to fool people by giving them a patrician last name (especially a soap opera character's) as a first name doesn't work, either. If acceptance into the country club is what you seek for your offspring, you're better off looking at first names in the society pages, or the financial section. Simple dignity will win out, no matter what the last name is -- trying too hard is nearly always fatal. Yes, it's true that people name their girls prestigious-sounding last names, and often rich people on TV and the movies have names like that. But that's just fiction. Real old-money types don't name their girls Windsor or Merritt any more than these girls live with their parents after college and sip Champagne in designer originals around the pool on weekday noons.

4. "I love the romance that is Celtica, the grandeur of the Norse sagas, Native American mysticism even the modern myths of Tolkien, Roddenberry, and Lucas! Shouldn't my baby have a name that suggests adventure, perhaps romance?"

   Really now. Do you really think that Rhiannon is going to grow up to be a Welsh witch queen with a thing for songbirds, or that T'Pring is going to be a standoffish exotic beauty with pointy ears and green blood, if you don't supply the genes and background for this yourself? Trying to pass off your offspring as being more "Nordic" or "Native" than you are already by adopting a first name that even people with those backgrounds regard as being hard-core has never worked (ethnics tend to know their own kind) either. If you're interested in coming up with a good romantic-sounding name, I'd suggest looking a little more deeply into literature...after all, the greatest names in romance, horror, and speculative fiction have the exotic names of...Jane, Anne, and Mary. (Though I suppose Gwendolyn or something from Shakespeare would be all right...)

5. "Gee! You're taking the fun out of all this! What about Peanut or Rory or Trixie? My favorite celebrity named one of his sons Rebop! Why can't I have this kind of fun?"

   Most celebrity baby names are one quarter made-up, one quarter publicity, and one half narcissism. A good deal of the time, the kid in question isn't really named what they say in the papers (David Bowie's son is a pedestrian Duncan Jones on the birth certificate and Zowie Bowie in public memory, Dweezil Zappa is actually named Ian). Since baby news is a big part of celebrity reporting, there's a lot of pressure to come up with a really memorable name: "Oh, that's so and so. They named their child Darfur, for their support of Africa." Civilians don't need this. Then, sadly, an awful lot of actors and actresses see their kids less as human beings than accessories, about on par with the toy dog in their handbag, or their trophy wife/husband.
   "Fun-loving" couples, you know, the kind where he proposed by giving her the ring in a Cracker Jack box on the top of a ferris wheel, got married under the big top at The Big Apple Circus while dressed up as a ringmaster and a showgirl, and live in a house full of 50's vintage and reproduction furniture and housewares, love giving their kids nicknames as legal names. (In other words having "proposed", they "marry", "settle down", and now they have a "baby", which they proceed to "name". To which I say, "Grow up!") If you're really keen on being ironic, and pledged to wild creativity and fun, try giving the child an "ordinary" legal name, and a "fun" nickname. They needn't use their birth name on their first grade school papers, and can surprise everyone when they're named summa cum laude: "Gee! I never knew he was named Forsythe!"