9 Things Every Man Should Look For in A Woman

1. She feeds you
Bachelors live in apartments with empty refrigerators. The woman who anticipates this and brings with her offerings of burnt meat and fried chicken is a gift from the gods. Bonus points if you can ravage the food right in front of her with no regard for frilly manners like forks and tables without leaving her disgusted.

2. She is open minded to nerd stuff
She leaves you to your internet time. She buys you that graphic novel you wanted for your birthday. She recognizes the superiority of Star Wars to Star Trek without ever having seen either one based solely on your authoritarian knowledge of Wookie hygiene. All that and she doesn’t even get embarrassed in public when you nearly cream your pants over some new super powered computer component.

3. Her sense of humor is just as sick as yours
Like making jokes about dead hookers and home abortions? You have met your match when the girl next to you not only laughs, but pulls out a wire hanger. At that point, you know without a doubt she is a keeper.

4. She likes Mountain Dew
The only people who hate Mountain Dew are red commie bastards. ‘Nuff said here.

5. She supports your goals
Be it world domination or just to finally get that oversized power supply to fit in your PC, she is behind you 100%. She even pretends to share your excitement when you finish and run around outside naked covered in jello shaking your fists at the heavens screaming “I beat you, you bastard!” to no one in particular.

6. She is willing to dress up like a nun
Or spank you with a 9 iron, hell, I don’t know what kind of sick things you guys are into. I do know one thing though: after being subjected to the net for so long, we all have at least one thing that is weird but turns us on.

7. She knows a lot about at least one guy thing
Maybe she was a wrestling fan when she was a kid or she likes football. This gives a couple something they can talk about for hours. Let me tell you now, if you have never debated the greatness of Brutus the Barber Beefcake with a girl for more than ten minutes, you just haven’t lived brother.

8. You can trust her to go out
You don’t have to worry about her going out and cheating on you with that drunken bastard she calls every time she gets out of the bar. Why? Because you are that drunken bastard. The only guys who have to worry about their girl finding cock at the bar are the guys who either aren’t fucking them right or found a bad woman in the first place.

9. She doesn’t try to take your manhood
Whether it is letting you go outside with your friends to punch the shit out of each other after a drunken night of watching “Fight Club” or just simply letting you pee on a bush without bitching, this is a trait every man should look for in a woman. We let them do girl stuff, like shop and cry during movies. We should be allowed to do guy stuff, like crap in the woods and BBQ cute and furry animals.