Dateless Wonder

     So , you have fallen in  love with her.

       Ho -Hum.Let me yawn magnificently and display my profound lack of interest and boredom.
Were you waiting for the right time ?
And while biding your time , was your mind filled with fantasies where you foresaw a lovely future with her , where you were a stud superstar who impaled her with your mighty staff -making her moan and beg for more , like the girls in one of those movies you watch but are ashamed to admit ?

      So , what now , once you had gathered enough juice in your family jewels .
Were you man enough to approach her , your true love ?
Were you man enough to say - I love you ?

      I know your problem.You say to your shrink " Hey Doc , I don't need Prozac , I need a girlfriend" .
Grow up kiddo , we've all been there.
True love , Ha ! you just don't fall in love with any girl on the street and then tell me it is true love.

        So , tell me then...What did happen ? What were the outcomes you envisioned ?Did you think she'd scream in delight when you declared your undying love for her ?
Did quiet tears of happiness roll down her 'Oh-so-soft-and-sweet' cheeks when you dropped down on your knees and proclaimed your everlasting love ?
Or was she the cool type, who simply smiled back and asked you "what took you so long , moron ?"

        Wait , Don't tell me , you also had a worst case scenario , in which she kneed you in the groin (which is why you wore a cup , just in case ), called the cops and got a restraining order and a court injunction to castrate you.
           Wait , don't surprise me now...even your worst case scenario had a silver lining.Just before the cops castrated you , she realized that she loved you all along and then  she came back to you and made you hers forever.
But No , Now she must suffer a little , you decide .You won't mace her off course  ,or cal the cops .You will hurt her by making her wait .Ah...Isn't revenge sweet ?

      Well now , what really happened ? Let me hazard a guess.
Your family jewels are intact , you probably never went to the slammer either.
She probably wasn't the kind of girl who'd knee every guy who proposed to her .Phew ! What a relief !

But she neither got elated ,nor did she have any tears of joy , did she ?Tell me honestly - wasn't the look on her face a look of utter confusion ?Why was she so uncomfortable when you told her that she was the only girl that you've ever loved ?Wasn't this the part where she was supposed to feel extremely special ?Then why was she squirming , honestly , tell me .
Did you even notice that she was squirming ? I bet you didn't .Why did she give you the lame excuse that she was already in a relationship with someone else.C'mon you already knew that it was a lie.After all, you have been stalking her for the last three months.

And now what ? why isn't she answering your calls ?She's probably got caller Id, that bitch !So what about those SMSes ? No reply ! Hmmm...makes you wonder doesn't it ?What about emails , voicemails , instant messages? Nope , no luck whatsoever.
Sheesh ! Not a single reply , even after you sent her pictures  of those cute and cuddly photogenic kittens and puppies.Man ! She has a lump of coal for a heart , don't you think ?

  Well, since you've asked , let me give the synopsis .Considering your worst case scenario, you haven't done too bad.No swollen balls , no cops , no jail , no restraining order , well you get my point don't you ?
But considering your goals , you my man , suck big time.

And pray tell me , why have you come to me ?Wait , let me guess again.You want a wise man's counsel.I laugh at your bad luck. Ha ha ha , because you have come to the man who was once known as the 'dateless wonder'.

First let me tell you this.It is a disclaimer.I cannot read minds .But I guess , and I do it well.So lets hazard a guess as to what might have gone in your true love's head on that fateful and eventful day.
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        There she was , walking , minding her own business.Her mind's at turmoil.She's a good girl at heart , but lately she's had wicked thoughts and she now feels guilty.

She's also worried about her future, her career , her finances , her love life (not necessarily in that order ).
 In short , she's just your average girl, or so she thinks .

  And then you pop out of the woodwork .She sees you fumble.Mental Alarms bells ring - AAAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA , AAAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA , AAAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA , AAAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA .

Too late.Her bitch shield is up now.Its fight or flight mode.Nothing you say will make her agree.

       Aah, but its only you...she  now relaxes a bit , lets her guard down a little.,..and then what ? And then she hears a pathetic "I love you ".If only you were less pathetic.

'Love? You love me? Why ? Why do you love me ? OHMYGODHOWDOIGETOUTOFTHISMESS ?'

Alarms bells start ringing again.
AAAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA , AAAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA , AAAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA , AAAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA .
Panic sets in.

While you were fumbling through your three-page recitation of love , she was busy formulating an escape plan.
               You probably didn't notice it , but she was silently pleading you to stop.You would have understood , if only you read her eyes.It was embarrassing her.Her friends were snickering at her.She thought it was a prank , but slowly it dawned to her that it was not.Onlookers stared as they passed by.She didn't want any drama, no conflicts , and right now , if you read her eyes , you would see in them that the only thing she wanted was to disappear, but you are relentless.

        She gave you the first excuse that came to her mind.Not really .Her first excuse was that she was mourning because her cat morris died yesterday, but then she didn't have a cat , and you know that.

So is she in a relationship ?No , she feels horrible when she  lies , but she wants you to back-off respectfully-while still keeping your dignity in one piece.
But there you are , always missing the subtle hints.

           And then the calls, the Smses , the emails ( she's sick of those cutesy kittens )They irritate her , disrupt her , infuriate her and make her feel a deep sense hatred for you .

Here's a secret though.She's secretly flattered that someone out there was attracted towards her.Its not everyday that someone tells her that he loves her.

But here's the truth:She isn't feeling particularly attracted towards you.Sure , you think you are handsome (every one does) , rich hardworking and successful in your own way-but she doesn't feel the tingling in the small of her back whenever she sees you or when she thinks of you.
Her face does not flush when your near.When you touch -there is no spark.
There is zero chemistry-this she concludes after examining and analysing every interaction she has ever had with you .
In short , You do not make her feel -which is really important.

Ten years from now , she coldly calculates that if she still hasn't found true love -she might consider you.But as if now , she still has time on her side and there is still hope.

My dear and uninformed and uneducated friend .There is a way to find a way to a woman's heart.The way is difficult , convoluted and tricky  and you lose your way often.I'm not going to waste my time teaching you ways to win a woman's heart.Its not my battle anyway, but without attraction , she is bound to say no.

Son , luckily , you have come to the right person , if I think I know what you are about to do.I wouldn't recommend you taking the same path as I did for the same reasons.I was an escapist at that time , I realize that now.

Son, Swami PRabhupadananda was once called the 'Dateless wonder'.He too fell in love , then crashed and burned ,fled the country and became a monk in a country where he thought snake charmers and elephants roamed everywhere.
The dateless wonder would have advised you to take a similar path , to avoid heartache again, but I Swami Prabhupadanada have learnt a lot in the following years.I still talk in my american accent whenever I see someone from my native country-but I've changed.
Son , God may never approve my advice , but here's something painfully real- she'll never be yours.You've simply blown your chances by begging for love.But , there are plenty of fish in the ocean.So happy fishing  and may Lord Krshna be with you.Now chant hare rama hare krshna , hare hare krshna krshna ,rama rama krshna krshna, hare hare krshna krshna , rama rama krshna krshna...