Out of Tune with Zach (Lorrie Benedick)

Music had always been a big part of my life , so when I became a mother singing to my baby
came as naturally to me as kissing his sweet head.Everyday I would sing to Zachary :lullabies, nursery rhymes and oldies that my mother had sung to me.
We'd snuggle into our favourite chair , as I serenaded him , he would gazedeeply into my eyes , his tiny hand upon my skin .Zach loved it and would coo along with me
before he could even talk.

Then suddenly , at about the age of three , he stopped liking it .Each time I started singing he would cry.The lullabies and softer tunes would set him off.He'd wail loudly and atonally.
So I stopped.

But every few months or so , I'd try again , hoping against hope that it had just been a phase.No way.
               I was devasted .Never before had I made anyone cry because of my music.
Somedays this felt like the worst rejection I had ever known .He wasn't pushing away the music -he was pushing me away .His reaction stung, like a slap.

I should mention , however , that Zachary is mildly autistic .Although he is high
on the functioning scale , he has many challenges .One of the physical disorders Zach copes
with is" Hypersensitivity".This means that he hears , sees , feels, smells and tastes more
intensly than others do.For Example ,if a neighbour several houses down from us mows the lawn , Zach paces frantically around the house with his forearms over his ears until the
lawn is cut.

Naturally I used Zach's hypresensitive hearing to help rationalize his acute
reaction to my singing .As the years passed , though , Zach developed a love for pop music
, begging me to find rock-n-roll stations on the radio whenever we were in th car.That
music didn't seem to bother him .On the contrary ! The louder the better .He also invented
complex rythms and enjoyed lying on his back in the bathtub , his ears just under the
surface , repeating them at peak volume, over and over.

At bedtime I'd say , "Zachary , why don't you choose a song for us to sing?"
He'd held a rollicking rendition of "Old MacDonald" or a jazzy version of "eensy weensy
spider " but never the exquisite "The lion Sleeps tonight" or heaven forbid , "Hush ,
little baby ".
Once a year or so , I'd ask him why he cried when I sang , but the
answer was always the same :"I don't know"

Two years ago , on the eve of the Valentine's day , I was putting Zach , then
seven to bed. Talking about the next day when his school class would exchange cards.
He was very excited , but couldn't settle on sending just one "Mom you know , I really like
sandra but I also like Bettina"

I replied " Its okay to like a lot of different people, sweetheart"

"But Mom , " Zach protested " I want you to be my real valentine "

I was touched ."Zach" I answered "You will always be my valentine"

Without thinking , I statrd to sing one of my old favourite standards:
"My Funny valentine , sweet comic valentine , you make me smile with my heart"

I never made it to the second line.Zach buried his face in the pillow and started to cry.
Of course I stopped singing immediately , but I felt terrible .Wordlessly , I held him in
my arms and rocked him gently .After a while he stopped crying.

"Zachary" I said , "I want you to take as much time as you need , but try to tell me why
you cry when I sing to you "

We stayed quiet for a very long time , and then Zach quietly said "Mom , Its too
beautiful"

I had wrongly assumed that zachary's reaction was the result of his challenges , when it
was just my son being himself -and very much like me .A touching song on the car radio can
have me tearing up to a point where I have to pull over and wait until its done.That
elevated , choked up feeling can occur without warning : at a school play , while watching
an award show , or at night when my husband and I go in to look at our sleeping angel -our
sweet , sensitive son .