Employment Ads

Between the lines of Employment Ads:

Advancement Opportunity

-Shit job

Entry Level

-Really a shit job

No Experience Necessary

-The mother of all shit jobs

Administrative Assistant

-Shit job with a title

Ground Floor Opportunity

-Shit job with a company that will file bankruptsy within a year

Progressive Company

-Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team Player

-Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities

Upbeat Personalities

-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug/alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word Processing Skills Essential

-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance Important

-$20K a year job that requires a $100K a year wardrobe

Pleasant Telephone Manner

-Be the voice of 1-900-SEX-SUCK

Earn Up To $300/Hour

-Be 1-900-SEX-SUCK

Salary Range $24K to $32K

-The Salary is $24K

BA Required, MA Preferred

-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Civil Service

-The job was filled from the inside 6 months ago

Women/Minorities Encouraged

-White males need not waste a stamp

Outstanding Benefits Package

-Health Insurance

Tons of Variety

-We took all the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

Top Notch Communication Skills

-Telemarketing

Beautiful Offices in Attractive Locale

-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

Secretary

-Women only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive Secretary

-The most powerful person in any company

Dedicated

-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours per week until we force you into early retirement

Salary Commensurate

-We'll pay you whatever the Hell we feel like

Salary Negotiable

-We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive Salary

-We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job... Period!

Competitive Starting Salary

-Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant Atmosphere

-A staff of pod people

Professional Atmosphere

-Zombie pod people

Fun, Creative Atmosphere

-Pod people from Hell

Dynamic Atmosphere

-Zombie pod people from Hell

Gal Friday

-Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self Starter

-Open to broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means