1. An Army of monkeys
I know what you are thinking… but hear me out. Monkeys are expert shit-flingers. I’m by no means an expert on aliens but I am sure they don’t like to have shit flung at them. Lasers are no match for excrement; all they do is make it hot, stink more, and splatter. We all know aliens use lasers and nothing else. The monkey army will render their weapons useless and they will turn tail like the French army in a world war.
2. Offer them our leaders if they will go away
We kill two birds with one stone here; we get rid of the aliens and the people who fucked up our planet in the first place. Hey… sometimes a leader must sacrifice for the good of the people. That’s the bullshit line we will feed them anyways. Important: when the aliens come to drop them back off – you can bet they will – we are going to have to turn off all the lights and just act like we aren’t here.
3. Threaten them with disturbing porn
The likes of which they have never even fathomed… Imagine an army of fur-clad Star Trek geeks on Segways charging the mother ship… not to fight, but to make ugly, dirty, perverted, stinky, nasty man-love all over the alien troopers. This group of brave but sick fucks will most likely get blasted out of existence and the aliens will decide maybe they don’t want the Earth after all. Win-win.
4. Send them some free crack as a peace offering
We can tell them it is what our species calls “apples” and it is tradition to offer it to our conquerors. Of course they will come back for more. That’s when we replace their "apples" with anthrax marinated in bleach mixed with some bad heroin. If they come back for more of that shit we need to find out what the hell they smoke on their own planet and get some of it stat.
5. Trick them with a spam email
Tell them our name is Mr. Abdul Rasheed, the true king of Nigeria, and we can give them all the earths’ riches if only they give us their social security number, credit card number, and $50 as a transaction fee. After they find out they got ripped off they will be too owned to continue on with their invasion and go home ashamed and ridiculed.
6. Another monkey idea
We can hide in caves and let monkeys live in our houses until the aliens come down and destroy them all. The aliens will be satisfied we are dead because all primates look alike to them. As soon as they leave we can clean up the monkey guts and go about our business. It is foolproof; except we may not have enough caves for everyone. Some people may have to just stand really still and hope not to get noticed…
7. Let them try to govern us for a while
After they see the kind of mess we have made with our systems of government they will pack up their panties and head home faster than you can say “ET just stole my god damn bicycle!” The paperwork alone involved in such a takeover would be a nightmare of such epic proportions that if they did stay they would be too busy for at least the next few centuries to give us any kind of problems at all. Who knows, they might even fix something…
8. Scare them away with our superior bullshit
Aliens really do not want to have anything to do with us if they have even a shred of decency or honor in their entire race. We will just commercialize it. All humans know how to do is talk each other into fucking things up. Maybe that is why the rest of the universe doesn’t try to make contact with us. We’re the unwanted assholes of the galaxy. Ah well... fuck them. They aren't human they don't matter.
9. Trade them our planet for their spaceships
Fuck it. Take the planet. It’s already half broken anyways. Give us those spaceships. Think of the destruction we could cause then. Screw invading Iraq; let’s go blow up Jupiter! Let’s find some poor peace-loving people and threaten them with lasers if they don’t agree to buy our pornographic videos and genetically enhanced vegetable products. If you can’t beat the invading aliens, might as well become the invading aliens.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth
HIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY...
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against fire, among other things. Within a month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first
premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the
lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,
citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed
the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued..
and WON!
(Stay with me.) delivering the ruling, the judge
agreed with the insurance company that the claim was
frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer "held a policy from the company which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000
to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the
"fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the
check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24
counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against
him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in
the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate to say, but this isn't true...
http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp
According to snopes.com:
And BRAD PAISLEY Wrote a song in 2003....
Also, BRAD PAISLEY grew up about 10 miles from me.. He was also beat several years ago in a local Karaoke contest by someone that worked at the radio station where my wife now works..
AND if HE ends up DEAD, don't blame me...I just wanted to get that out of the way, just in case...
BRAD PAISLEY LYRICS
"The Cigar Song"
Well I'm a sucker for fine Cuban cigars
The problem is I can't afford 'em
But last year I went and got myself a whole box
And just to be safe I insured 'em
[Chorus]
I took out a policy against fire and theft
And then I hurried home
With a thirty-cent lighter I sat on my back steps
And I smoked 'em one by one
Two weeks later I went to see that insurance man
And I handed in my claim
With a straight face I told him that through a series of small fires
They'd all gone up in flames
[2nd Chorus]
They reviewed my case and they had no choice
But to pay me for what I'd done
And I took that check and bought a whole new box
And I smoked 'em one by one
Two weeks later this detective shows up
Tells me that company's pressin' charges
One speedy trial later they locked me up
On twenty-four separate counts of arson
[3rd Chorus]
And now I sit and I stare at a blank brick wall
Lookin' back on what I've done
To pass the time I've got some ten-cent cigars
And I smoke 'em one by one
Yeah, I smoke 'em one by one
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against fire, among other things. Within a month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first
premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the
lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,
citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed
the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued..
and WON!
(Stay with me.) delivering the ruling, the judge
agreed with the insurance company that the claim was
frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer "held a policy from the company which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000
to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the
"fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the
check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24
counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against
him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in
the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate to say, but this isn't true...
http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp
According to snopes.com:
And BRAD PAISLEY Wrote a song in 2003....
Also, BRAD PAISLEY grew up about 10 miles from me.. He was also beat several years ago in a local Karaoke contest by someone that worked at the radio station where my wife now works..
AND if HE ends up DEAD, don't blame me...I just wanted to get that out of the way, just in case...
BRAD PAISLEY LYRICS
"The Cigar Song"
Well I'm a sucker for fine Cuban cigars
The problem is I can't afford 'em
But last year I went and got myself a whole box
And just to be safe I insured 'em
[Chorus]
I took out a policy against fire and theft
And then I hurried home
With a thirty-cent lighter I sat on my back steps
And I smoked 'em one by one
Two weeks later I went to see that insurance man
And I handed in my claim
With a straight face I told him that through a series of small fires
They'd all gone up in flames
[2nd Chorus]
They reviewed my case and they had no choice
But to pay me for what I'd done
And I took that check and bought a whole new box
And I smoked 'em one by one
Two weeks later this detective shows up
Tells me that company's pressin' charges
One speedy trial later they locked me up
On twenty-four separate counts of arson
[3rd Chorus]
And now I sit and I stare at a blank brick wall
Lookin' back on what I've done
To pass the time I've got some ten-cent cigars
And I smoke 'em one by one
Yeah, I smoke 'em one by one
NEW RULES FOR 2007:
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
The Real Man Quiz
Note: All "real men" answered "C" to all of these questions.
Knowing this, women will have come to understanding men and enriching their own
lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows
the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and
the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. Never mind.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
Knowing this, women will have come to understanding men and enriching their own
lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows
the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and
the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. Never mind.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
All this Bloggery...
A cynic said "All this blogerry is like modern poetry : more people want to write it than read it "
So here's something that I wrote...no , let me rephrase it ...I don't write poetry , it sometimes overflows and spills out of my brain (I guess its an errant right hemisphere thing )
Mirror Mirror on the world
Does the mirror lie ?
Or is it a parlour trick
played by the minds eye ?
Tell me , Oh , tell me why ?
pretty me a sometime ago ,
why am I now ugly shy ?
The days are getting longer ,
stretching in the sand,
The time it seems to drip
and killing me softly
with this one way ego trip
where my mirrored world is
my own opposite
Does the mirror lie ?
Or is it the mind's eye ?
today I was satisfied
but tomorrow is high and dry
today's heart seemed pure and true
and tomorrow's just another lie
Why does the mirror lie ?
Maybe its another parlour trick
played by the bloody mind's eye !
For better or verse ( Ha ha ! ) , and for no rhyme or reason I give to you my encore presentation !
If you were a song
If you were a song
what would you be?
a happy go lucky jingle
or a haunting melody ?
Would you sail across the stars
or pine for your lover
or go dancing in the rains
smiling at long lost memories ?
Would you tell me your story
in a guitar riff or a blues bar
your rockstar history
in a barre chord
or a twisted melody ?
If you were a song
what would you be?
stop and think...
and answer me , please
If you were a song ,
what would you be ?
p.s. The poem "Mirror mirror on the wall " was originally a haiku.
Well... it had that 5-7-5 format , but then I decided it had to tell more , so I destroyed my haiku and rewrote it )
So here's something that I wrote...no , let me rephrase it ...I don't write poetry , it sometimes overflows and spills out of my brain (I guess its an errant right hemisphere thing )
Mirror Mirror on the world
Does the mirror lie ?
Or is it a parlour trick
played by the minds eye ?
Tell me , Oh , tell me why ?
pretty me a sometime ago ,
why am I now ugly shy ?
The days are getting longer ,
stretching in the sand,
The time it seems to drip
and killing me softly
with this one way ego trip
where my mirrored world is
my own opposite
Does the mirror lie ?
Or is it the mind's eye ?
today I was satisfied
but tomorrow is high and dry
today's heart seemed pure and true
and tomorrow's just another lie
Why does the mirror lie ?
Maybe its another parlour trick
played by the bloody mind's eye !
For better or verse ( Ha ha ! ) , and for no rhyme or reason I give to you my encore presentation !
If you were a song
If you were a song
what would you be?
a happy go lucky jingle
or a haunting melody ?
Would you sail across the stars
or pine for your lover
or go dancing in the rains
smiling at long lost memories ?
Would you tell me your story
in a guitar riff or a blues bar
your rockstar history
in a barre chord
or a twisted melody ?
If you were a song
what would you be?
stop and think...
and answer me , please
If you were a song ,
what would you be ?
p.s. The poem "Mirror mirror on the wall " was originally a haiku.
Well... it had that 5-7-5 format , but then I decided it had to tell more , so I destroyed my haiku and rewrote it )
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Man Room Essentials
Every Man should have his own private retreat. It should be a place where testosterone rules and interior decorating consists of leather and dark plaid flannel. This room is where a man can occasionally go to escape feminine influences and femi-drama annoyances--a place where men can be men with no excuses.
Here is what you need:
A big-ass television.
And I mean BIG. Nothing below 60 inches will be suitable. Ideally, it will be a 72 inch Plasma, wall mounted with some kick-ass surround sound and a subwoofer that sets off seismographs in a 3 county area. Man movies only.
A bar with a beer-keg refrigerator.
I’ve seen them. I want one. I have a dream. Nothing speaks to the heart of a man like having tap beer as available as tap water. What good is 72 inches of Plasma running that pay-per-view caged martial-arts match without beer readily available on demand?
A $6,000 computer.
A great release of testosterone comes from hunting down your friends and killing them in your favorite first-person shooter, then screaming “PWNED” at the top of your lungs and laughing in a manly way. How can any self-respecting man get by with second-rate processors? You can’t. And don’t talk to me about your Wii, please--console games are for pussies. Note: This man-computer will have to be replaced at least every 4 to 6 months to stay on top of technological advances.
A 1 gigabit per second internet connection.
Lag sucks in gaming. I want to know when I blow up my friends tank as soon as it happens. And besides, when a man wants his porn, bandwidth shall not be a restriction.
A private bathroom.
This bathroom must be equipped with the newest and most powerful turbo-assisted flushing technologies. It also must have an exhaust fan capable of moving 1,000 cubic feet or air per minute.
Of course, individual preferences vary, but these are the essentials.
Here is what you need:
A big-ass television.
And I mean BIG. Nothing below 60 inches will be suitable. Ideally, it will be a 72 inch Plasma, wall mounted with some kick-ass surround sound and a subwoofer that sets off seismographs in a 3 county area. Man movies only.
A bar with a beer-keg refrigerator.
I’ve seen them. I want one. I have a dream. Nothing speaks to the heart of a man like having tap beer as available as tap water. What good is 72 inches of Plasma running that pay-per-view caged martial-arts match without beer readily available on demand?
A $6,000 computer.
A great release of testosterone comes from hunting down your friends and killing them in your favorite first-person shooter, then screaming “PWNED” at the top of your lungs and laughing in a manly way. How can any self-respecting man get by with second-rate processors? You can’t. And don’t talk to me about your Wii, please--console games are for pussies. Note: This man-computer will have to be replaced at least every 4 to 6 months to stay on top of technological advances.
A 1 gigabit per second internet connection.
Lag sucks in gaming. I want to know when I blow up my friends tank as soon as it happens. And besides, when a man wants his porn, bandwidth shall not be a restriction.
A private bathroom.
This bathroom must be equipped with the newest and most powerful turbo-assisted flushing technologies. It also must have an exhaust fan capable of moving 1,000 cubic feet or air per minute.
Of course, individual preferences vary, but these are the essentials.
Marriage
A young man contemplating marriage sought advice from Diogenes. "Should I marry?"
"Marriage is too soon for a young man"
"Would you have me wait then until I am old."
"Oh no, Marriage is far too late for an old man."
"What am I to do then? I love the girl."
"Love is a luxury no one can afford. It is for those who have nothing better to do."
"What should we be doing then?"
"To seek freedom. But it is not possible to be free if you have a wife and children."
"But having a wife and family is so agreeable."
"Then you see the problem, young man. Freedom would not be so difficult to attain were prison not so sweet."
"You mean to be free is to be alone?"
"We come into the world alone and we die alone. Why, in life, should we be any less alone?"
"To live, then, is terrible."
"No, not to live, but to live in chains."
"Marriage is too soon for a young man"
"Would you have me wait then until I am old."
"Oh no, Marriage is far too late for an old man."
"What am I to do then? I love the girl."
"Love is a luxury no one can afford. It is for those who have nothing better to do."
"What should we be doing then?"
"To seek freedom. But it is not possible to be free if you have a wife and children."
"But having a wife and family is so agreeable."
"Then you see the problem, young man. Freedom would not be so difficult to attain were prison not so sweet."
"You mean to be free is to be alone?"
"We come into the world alone and we die alone. Why, in life, should we be any less alone?"
"To live, then, is terrible."
"No, not to live, but to live in chains."
Meaning Of Life
The meaning of life, the big daddy question of them all, but what is the meaning of life itself and what have others had to say about it? From main philosophical perspectives this breaks down into four main sections:
The meaning of the word ‘life’ (AJ Ayer)
Ayer’s whole philosophy was to do with the meaning of language and how it is used so when we approach a question like ‘what is the meaning of life?’ according to Ayer we should simply look at what the word itself means. Organic life is categorised by science as an organic object that has the properties of movement, excretion, respiration, reproduction, irritability, nutrition and growth; as long as the object has all these qualities then it can be classed as being ‘alive’ but it does not necessarily mean it has a mind or is sentient of it’s own existence. Ayer said “a sentence is meaningful only if it is empirically verifiable,” on this account, ‘life is beautiful’ or ‘the meaning of life is …’ is meaningless due to the fact that there is no way to actually verify what is being proclaimed.
The meaning of biological processes (Aristotle)
Aristotle was very much a scientific philosopher himself and spent a lot of time collecting dead organisms and animals and dissecting them to see what he could discover about the intricate systems of their bodies. In this conception of the meaning of life it is all about how each organism interacts with each other in order to sustain a larger organism. For instance how all the organs interact with each other and provide the body with nutrition, how the cells reproduce themselves, how we reproduce etc etc, it basically goes into the properties mentioned above into much finer detail in order to truly understand what must be capable in order for something to be classed as a being in it’s own right. What the question ‘what is the meaning of life?’ asks is more to do with what does everything as a whole in itself mean, not what do the intricate individual parts do in order to sustain that bodies physical life, that doesn’t mean the meaning of our biological systems can’t be part of this though.
Finitude (Heidegger)
Martin Heidegger introduced the concept of finitude as the meaning of life which is basically the fact that our mortality gives us a finite amount of time to do things, so we have a drive to accomplish things before our time is up. Heidegger said that humans experienced ‘throwness’ (Heidegger was infamous for making words up himself). Throwness basically means that we are thrust into a world that we have no understanding of at all and it is finitude that drives us to overcome this throwness before our time is up. If we were immortal we would have no reason to do anything in particular as we would have all of eternity to discover it, so would be far less productive humans.
42 (Douglas Adams)
Anyone that’s read or seen ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ knows that when Arthur and the gang finally make it to the supercomputer to find out the meaning of life it gives the answer as ‘42’. The computer explains that the question asked was so massive that it was hard to come out with a meaningful answer with so little to go on. The premise here is that in order to get a coherent understandable answer to a question, the question itself has to be coherent and understandable. Asking ‘what is the meaning of life?’ is just as useful as asking ‘what is the meaning of purple?’ or ‘how much time is in a snail?’ The reason we cannot understand the meaning of life is because the question itself is so ambiguous that we can only know the meaning of life to us individually through our introspections, not as an all encompassing meaning for everyone.
My own opinion is that the meaning of life runs along the lines of Plato’s soul searching for wisdom. Through reincarnation we fill our soul up with as much wisdom as possible until it is all encompassing, and each incarnation is driven by the finitude Heidegger explained in order to try and get to this goal as fast as possible. Once the soul is full I can’t legitimately postulate further what any meaning past that might be.
For all I know the meaning might be pink fluffy rabbits.
The meaning of the word ‘life’ (AJ Ayer)
Ayer’s whole philosophy was to do with the meaning of language and how it is used so when we approach a question like ‘what is the meaning of life?’ according to Ayer we should simply look at what the word itself means. Organic life is categorised by science as an organic object that has the properties of movement, excretion, respiration, reproduction, irritability, nutrition and growth; as long as the object has all these qualities then it can be classed as being ‘alive’ but it does not necessarily mean it has a mind or is sentient of it’s own existence. Ayer said “a sentence is meaningful only if it is empirically verifiable,” on this account, ‘life is beautiful’ or ‘the meaning of life is …’ is meaningless due to the fact that there is no way to actually verify what is being proclaimed.
The meaning of biological processes (Aristotle)
Aristotle was very much a scientific philosopher himself and spent a lot of time collecting dead organisms and animals and dissecting them to see what he could discover about the intricate systems of their bodies. In this conception of the meaning of life it is all about how each organism interacts with each other in order to sustain a larger organism. For instance how all the organs interact with each other and provide the body with nutrition, how the cells reproduce themselves, how we reproduce etc etc, it basically goes into the properties mentioned above into much finer detail in order to truly understand what must be capable in order for something to be classed as a being in it’s own right. What the question ‘what is the meaning of life?’ asks is more to do with what does everything as a whole in itself mean, not what do the intricate individual parts do in order to sustain that bodies physical life, that doesn’t mean the meaning of our biological systems can’t be part of this though.
Finitude (Heidegger)
Martin Heidegger introduced the concept of finitude as the meaning of life which is basically the fact that our mortality gives us a finite amount of time to do things, so we have a drive to accomplish things before our time is up. Heidegger said that humans experienced ‘throwness’ (Heidegger was infamous for making words up himself). Throwness basically means that we are thrust into a world that we have no understanding of at all and it is finitude that drives us to overcome this throwness before our time is up. If we were immortal we would have no reason to do anything in particular as we would have all of eternity to discover it, so would be far less productive humans.
42 (Douglas Adams)
Anyone that’s read or seen ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ knows that when Arthur and the gang finally make it to the supercomputer to find out the meaning of life it gives the answer as ‘42’. The computer explains that the question asked was so massive that it was hard to come out with a meaningful answer with so little to go on. The premise here is that in order to get a coherent understandable answer to a question, the question itself has to be coherent and understandable. Asking ‘what is the meaning of life?’ is just as useful as asking ‘what is the meaning of purple?’ or ‘how much time is in a snail?’ The reason we cannot understand the meaning of life is because the question itself is so ambiguous that we can only know the meaning of life to us individually through our introspections, not as an all encompassing meaning for everyone.
My own opinion is that the meaning of life runs along the lines of Plato’s soul searching for wisdom. Through reincarnation we fill our soul up with as much wisdom as possible until it is all encompassing, and each incarnation is driven by the finitude Heidegger explained in order to try and get to this goal as fast as possible. Once the soul is full I can’t legitimately postulate further what any meaning past that might be.
For all I know the meaning might be pink fluffy rabbits.
9 Things I Have Learned From Relationships
1. Being a nice guy gets you nowhere
Women are evil; once they see that you are totally and hopelessly in love with them they rip your heart out, stomp on it, set it ablaze, take a shit on the ashes, and hand it back to you with a smile and a “Thank you, sucker.” The more indifference you show the less likely that this scenario will happen to you. Remember; when she asks, you just don’t give a fuck.
2. You will never get what you want
There is just no competing with a woman when it comes to getting your way. They have the ultimate weapon; the pussy. That combined with the ability to argue like a ShoutWire user on steroids spells defeat for men no matter how great our resolution is. Chick flicks are just something you have to accept, as are fancy restaurants that won’t let you in with your “Fuck the MPAA” t-shirt. Damn shit…
3. Yes… the toilet seat IS a big deal
This doesn’t happen until stage two of the relationship, when the woman wants to control every aspect of your life… even trying to make you pee like a girl. No matter how hard you try you will never always remember to put down the seat. The only way to handle this professionally is to stop using the bathroom for urination altogether and just pee outside.
4. NEVER go in a woman’s purse
Not even if they give explicit instructions to do so. “Honey, could you go get the keys out of my purse…” HELL NO! It’s a trick. Men don’t belong anywhere near a purse. If a girl ever asks you this she is trying to find out if you have any god damn sense at all. Show her you do and stay away.
5. Having space is important
No one likes having someone around all the time. Dependency is for leeches and bad quarterbacks. If a woman insists on being around you 24/7, she is most likely a spy sent by the commies to undermine your love of freedom. In that case you have no choice but to leave quickly and quietly after you piss in her fish tank and lick all her bread.
6. NEVER let a woman into your secret hideout
Be it a tree house, local watering hole, hidden cave, or even an IRC chat room; never let that bitch feel comfortable being there with you. When the relationship is over she will just try to claim it as her own, along with all the other stuff you have that she likes…
7. Don’t ever break down and reveal anything
If you do you can bet it will be used against you in the most foulest of ways somewhere down the road. Guy: I once whacked off in a church. Girl: You’re so crazy! I love that about you. Six months later... Guy: I like bacon. Girl: Only a sick fuck like you who whacks off in churches would say something stupid like that.
8. Sometimes it is better to just say you’re wrong
As opposed to arguing for ten hours straight… waking the neighbors and showing anyone within earshot just how bad your life sucks. You can tell by the redness of her eyes and hint of Satan in her voice when it is time to just shut the fuck up and finish eating your Ramen noodles. Don’t piss on the bull if you can’t handle the horns…
9. Women don’t listen to reason
Logic is not a female quality… and for good reason. Can you imagine something that bleeds for 7 days, does not die, AND understands logical thought? Until next time, I leave you with that…
Women are evil; once they see that you are totally and hopelessly in love with them they rip your heart out, stomp on it, set it ablaze, take a shit on the ashes, and hand it back to you with a smile and a “Thank you, sucker.” The more indifference you show the less likely that this scenario will happen to you. Remember; when she asks, you just don’t give a fuck.
2. You will never get what you want
There is just no competing with a woman when it comes to getting your way. They have the ultimate weapon; the pussy. That combined with the ability to argue like a ShoutWire user on steroids spells defeat for men no matter how great our resolution is. Chick flicks are just something you have to accept, as are fancy restaurants that won’t let you in with your “Fuck the MPAA” t-shirt. Damn shit…
3. Yes… the toilet seat IS a big deal
This doesn’t happen until stage two of the relationship, when the woman wants to control every aspect of your life… even trying to make you pee like a girl. No matter how hard you try you will never always remember to put down the seat. The only way to handle this professionally is to stop using the bathroom for urination altogether and just pee outside.
4. NEVER go in a woman’s purse
Not even if they give explicit instructions to do so. “Honey, could you go get the keys out of my purse…” HELL NO! It’s a trick. Men don’t belong anywhere near a purse. If a girl ever asks you this she is trying to find out if you have any god damn sense at all. Show her you do and stay away.
5. Having space is important
No one likes having someone around all the time. Dependency is for leeches and bad quarterbacks. If a woman insists on being around you 24/7, she is most likely a spy sent by the commies to undermine your love of freedom. In that case you have no choice but to leave quickly and quietly after you piss in her fish tank and lick all her bread.
6. NEVER let a woman into your secret hideout
Be it a tree house, local watering hole, hidden cave, or even an IRC chat room; never let that bitch feel comfortable being there with you. When the relationship is over she will just try to claim it as her own, along with all the other stuff you have that she likes…
7. Don’t ever break down and reveal anything
If you do you can bet it will be used against you in the most foulest of ways somewhere down the road. Guy: I once whacked off in a church. Girl: You’re so crazy! I love that about you. Six months later... Guy: I like bacon. Girl: Only a sick fuck like you who whacks off in churches would say something stupid like that.
8. Sometimes it is better to just say you’re wrong
As opposed to arguing for ten hours straight… waking the neighbors and showing anyone within earshot just how bad your life sucks. You can tell by the redness of her eyes and hint of Satan in her voice when it is time to just shut the fuck up and finish eating your Ramen noodles. Don’t piss on the bull if you can’t handle the horns…
9. Women don’t listen to reason
Logic is not a female quality… and for good reason. Can you imagine something that bleeds for 7 days, does not die, AND understands logical thought? Until next time, I leave you with that…
9 Things Every Man Should Look For in A Woman
1. She feeds you
Bachelors live in apartments with empty refrigerators. The woman who anticipates this and brings with her offerings of burnt meat and fried chicken is a gift from the gods. Bonus points if you can ravage the food right in front of her with no regard for frilly manners like forks and tables without leaving her disgusted.
2. She is open minded to nerd stuff
She leaves you to your internet time. She buys you that graphic novel you wanted for your birthday. She recognizes the superiority of Star Wars to Star Trek without ever having seen either one based solely on your authoritarian knowledge of Wookie hygiene. All that and she doesn’t even get embarrassed in public when you nearly cream your pants over some new super powered computer component.
3. Her sense of humor is just as sick as yours
Like making jokes about dead hookers and home abortions? You have met your match when the girl next to you not only laughs, but pulls out a wire hanger. At that point, you know without a doubt she is a keeper.
4. She likes Mountain Dew
The only people who hate Mountain Dew are red commie bastards. ‘Nuff said here.
5. She supports your goals
Be it world domination or just to finally get that oversized power supply to fit in your PC, she is behind you 100%. She even pretends to share your excitement when you finish and run around outside naked covered in jello shaking your fists at the heavens screaming “I beat you, you bastard!” to no one in particular.
6. She is willing to dress up like a nun
Or spank you with a 9 iron, hell, I don’t know what kind of sick things you guys are into. I do know one thing though: after being subjected to the net for so long, we all have at least one thing that is weird but turns us on.
7. She knows a lot about at least one guy thing
Maybe she was a wrestling fan when she was a kid or she likes football. This gives a couple something they can talk about for hours. Let me tell you now, if you have never debated the greatness of Brutus the Barber Beefcake with a girl for more than ten minutes, you just haven’t lived brother.
8. You can trust her to go out
You don’t have to worry about her going out and cheating on you with that drunken bastard she calls every time she gets out of the bar. Why? Because you are that drunken bastard. The only guys who have to worry about their girl finding cock at the bar are the guys who either aren’t fucking them right or found a bad woman in the first place.
9. She doesn’t try to take your manhood
Whether it is letting you go outside with your friends to punch the shit out of each other after a drunken night of watching “Fight Club” or just simply letting you pee on a bush without bitching, this is a trait every man should look for in a woman. We let them do girl stuff, like shop and cry during movies. We should be allowed to do guy stuff, like crap in the woods and BBQ cute and furry animals.
Bachelors live in apartments with empty refrigerators. The woman who anticipates this and brings with her offerings of burnt meat and fried chicken is a gift from the gods. Bonus points if you can ravage the food right in front of her with no regard for frilly manners like forks and tables without leaving her disgusted.
2. She is open minded to nerd stuff
She leaves you to your internet time. She buys you that graphic novel you wanted for your birthday. She recognizes the superiority of Star Wars to Star Trek without ever having seen either one based solely on your authoritarian knowledge of Wookie hygiene. All that and she doesn’t even get embarrassed in public when you nearly cream your pants over some new super powered computer component.
3. Her sense of humor is just as sick as yours
Like making jokes about dead hookers and home abortions? You have met your match when the girl next to you not only laughs, but pulls out a wire hanger. At that point, you know without a doubt she is a keeper.
4. She likes Mountain Dew
The only people who hate Mountain Dew are red commie bastards. ‘Nuff said here.
5. She supports your goals
Be it world domination or just to finally get that oversized power supply to fit in your PC, she is behind you 100%. She even pretends to share your excitement when you finish and run around outside naked covered in jello shaking your fists at the heavens screaming “I beat you, you bastard!” to no one in particular.
6. She is willing to dress up like a nun
Or spank you with a 9 iron, hell, I don’t know what kind of sick things you guys are into. I do know one thing though: after being subjected to the net for so long, we all have at least one thing that is weird but turns us on.
7. She knows a lot about at least one guy thing
Maybe she was a wrestling fan when she was a kid or she likes football. This gives a couple something they can talk about for hours. Let me tell you now, if you have never debated the greatness of Brutus the Barber Beefcake with a girl for more than ten minutes, you just haven’t lived brother.
8. You can trust her to go out
You don’t have to worry about her going out and cheating on you with that drunken bastard she calls every time she gets out of the bar. Why? Because you are that drunken bastard. The only guys who have to worry about their girl finding cock at the bar are the guys who either aren’t fucking them right or found a bad woman in the first place.
9. She doesn’t try to take your manhood
Whether it is letting you go outside with your friends to punch the shit out of each other after a drunken night of watching “Fight Club” or just simply letting you pee on a bush without bitching, this is a trait every man should look for in a woman. We let them do girl stuff, like shop and cry during movies. We should be allowed to do guy stuff, like crap in the woods and BBQ cute and furry animals.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Bush has been Bangalored !
Washington - Congress today announced that the office of President
of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1,
2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000
yearly salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We
believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated
Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the
world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the office
of President as of July 10, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States
while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him
eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month
but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between
the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of
the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day
job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive
interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be
President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not
be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can
address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at
all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson.
"President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day
of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for
$140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will
exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement
services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his
upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A greeter
position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience
shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
I've learnt that...
1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
2. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
3. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
4. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others — they are more fucked up than you think.
5. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.
6. I've learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
7. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
8. I've learned that a good time can be had by sitting on the beach and drinking with a bum.
9. I've learned that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.
10. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
11. I've learned that maturity is a magazine for old people.
12. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one, the asshole and the horse tooth girl will be and will also claim to be your best friend.
13. I've learned that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only contribute to your alcoholism.
14. I've learned that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.
15. I've learned that airport personnel don't like you joking about bombs in your luggage. No matter how many times you state that you're only joking.
16. I've learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.
17. I've learned to say, "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. (D best one)
2. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
3. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
4. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others — they are more fucked up than you think.
5. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.
6. I've learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
7. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
8. I've learned that a good time can be had by sitting on the beach and drinking with a bum.
9. I've learned that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.
10. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
11. I've learned that maturity is a magazine for old people.
12. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one, the asshole and the horse tooth girl will be and will also claim to be your best friend.
13. I've learned that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only contribute to your alcoholism.
14. I've learned that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.
15. I've learned that airport personnel don't like you joking about bombs in your luggage. No matter how many times you state that you're only joking.
16. I've learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.
17. I've learned to say, "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. (D best one)
Love Actually
Love does not happen to everyone,
it is made for those lucky fools,
who risk their hearts and
surrender their souls.....
-anon
The man who is loved by a woman is lucky indeed, but the one to be envied is he who loves , however little he gets in return .How much greater is Dante gazing at his Beatrice than Beatrice walking by him in apparent disdain.
I've been learning to love , to love unconditionally , without wanting anything in return .I often say to myself...imagining that I'm telling her "I love you , but I want nothing in return "
So far , all I've done is imagine.
Love is spiritual .Meera understood that .Meera , our ultimate model of a woman for unconditional love , loved Lord Krishna without ever wanting anything in return...her love was fierce and unwavering and pure.
Today she'd called as obsessive , but love makes one that way , sometimes .
Love does not materialize in an instant . A possible analogy :Love is not instant coffee , it is a process, that takes time, where one has to pick the coffee beans and dry them and grind them , and then make coffee...
...and whatever you do , you have to make an attempt , disregarding the results, because the process of loving itself is well worth it.
Falling in love is a fallacy .
One does not fall in love , he or she sinks in it ...
Love is like a chocolate quicksand -sweet , certain and slow.All you have to do is jump into it with both feet first and wait for the slow and sweet sinking in love .Once you are in it , there is no point in resisting , because escape , though not impossible , is hard.
I remember a wise old teacher telling me "We have bastardized the word love , attaching the wrong meaning to such a beautiful word, corrupting it, making it a blasphemy to utter such words as 'I love You ' .We need to restore our ability to love others , then perhaps , we can save ourselves"
And then he paused .He was tired , but he said "are you up for a little game ? Will you do as I say ?"
We all agreed.Because we all loved him.
"Ok , I want you all to say the words 'I love You' to each and every person in this classroom and mean it"
The classroom consisted of men and women of all ages .Love had indeed become a dirty word.People had a mortified look on their faces.
What ? Say 'I Love You' to a stranger ? I've never even done that to my wife !
But in a way , saying it to strangers was far more easier than saying it to the people you wanted to say it to.
(What if it came out all wrong ?)
(What if I screwed it up ?)
(What if she hates me once I tell this ?)
Our teacher saw some of us hesitate, so he continued "Love is love.There are no sexual connotations .Love is pure , love is spiritual.And after all , isn't love just a word ? Words ...can they hurt so much when they are not supposed to ? "
They can , and sometimes they will.
I know.
There are so many instances where saying "I love You " has put people in trouble.The most recent being Criss Angel .The context of the sentence will be argued by the opposing lawyers and decided a judge , but Criss Angel did fall in a lot of trouble for saying "I Love You "
I really didn't have trouble saying those words.
"I LOVE YOU "
I said without batting an eyelid to a kid just out of high school ,
"Ilove You "
I uttered again to a dentist in early twenties.Her eyes twinkled as I said them , and soon a flurry of "I love You's " were exchanged between all of us.
We felt different.We learnt something we had unlearnt a long time ago.WE LEARNED TO LOVE.
We loved because we could....
I still imagine the day I can face her , maybe tell her the truth ..."I do love you , but its okay if you dont want to or cannot . You are not at fault here for not loving me ".Sheer cowardice prevents me...I'm ashamed to admit.
I still remember my teacher saying "Love is all you need , to heal the world .
p.s.
(Hope my future wife does not read this ,because then she'll be demanding a few tough answers , And I , not being able to lie , will not know who'll end up geting hurt.)
U love someone ,
You marry someone else.
The one you marry becomes your wife
and the one you loved becomes
the password of your e-mail .
Naaah !
I'm good at keeping secrets and some secrets are never meant to be revealed.But I can't lie.If she asks , then I must tell.But she must ask first.
So , I Love You and I want nothing in return.
(lets see if I'm stirring up a hornets nest ! )
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Happy Hunting !
It was mid-afternoon on a cold December day, but the obscured sun was already edging lower as the shortest days of the year were upon the countryside. There I was, near a frozen riparian paradise in a tree that was creaking and bending in cold prairie winds that swept down from Canadian tundra so far north. I was standing there in a home-made hunting stand, hoping for the chance at a very late-season deer. My bow ready, an arrow nocked, I waited in dreary skies and air temperatures that were -10 F and dropping fast.
Something interesting happens in a hunting stand. You get time to think. But it is not the place where thoughts turn to school or the office or the business of modern human life. I contemplate my place on this earth. Indeed, I contemplate my existence in that specific moment. It is utterly quiet, with senses tightly tuned to the world immediately surrounding you, and slowly, oh so slowly, one gains the feeling of truly becoming one with nature. Every other hunter I know understands this. It is a shame that more
people can not experience this all-too-brief version of “wolakota” --a Lakota Sioux word that roughly means being balanced and in harmony with your surroundings.
As sunset approached, the surface winds began to subside as the air nearly froze in place. On the edge of the horizon, the cloud cover was being quickly swept away by high altitude winds, revealing the setting sun. With the wind in my marsh a mere whisper what it had been, and the hyper-cold air transmitting sound waves more efficiently, I could literally hear everything for miles.
The deer stepped out less than 100 yards away, and knowing the trails as I did, I knew it would be moving past me. It was a small deer—not one I normally would have taken, but it was late December as well. As it moved closer, I could hear the combined crunch of snow and ice and leaves under its hooves as it took each step, making it’s way towards me in the most brilliant last orange-red sunlight of the day. Forty yards, twenty yards, ten yards, and then directly below me.
“I shouldn’t be able to make the shot.” I thought to myself, believing the sounds of drawing the bow back in this utter silence would alert the deer. Then I thought that if I can draw the bow without alerting it, the deer is meant to be mine. I drew back the string, laid the sight pin on the vitals of this deer only 10 feet directly below me. The deer looked around perhaps thinking something is not quite right, and he paused.
I released. The arrow flew straight down passing directly through the deer and embedding itself into the hard frozen ground. The deer bolted, running West about twenty yards before stopping and turning broadside to me. It was looking back at me, breathing hard, but just standing there. The setting sun behind it cast the most beautiful light that caught and amplified the glistening of frost in its fur. The horizon ablaze but fading, a crimson and purple twilight sky was taking over. I could see blood dripping, and each breath it took instantly condensed and froze, hanging in mid-air and refracting those last few remnants of that magical sunlight. I will never forget that site. Fifteen seconds later, the deer fell over.
There was no rejoicing. There was me, and a deer, and harmony, and a feeling that this was LIFE as it was meant to be. Hunters will understand this. I hope the rest will someday have a chance to understand.
Something interesting happens in a hunting stand. You get time to think. But it is not the place where thoughts turn to school or the office or the business of modern human life. I contemplate my place on this earth. Indeed, I contemplate my existence in that specific moment. It is utterly quiet, with senses tightly tuned to the world immediately surrounding you, and slowly, oh so slowly, one gains the feeling of truly becoming one with nature. Every other hunter I know understands this. It is a shame that more
people can not experience this all-too-brief version of “wolakota” --a Lakota Sioux word that roughly means being balanced and in harmony with your surroundings.
As sunset approached, the surface winds began to subside as the air nearly froze in place. On the edge of the horizon, the cloud cover was being quickly swept away by high altitude winds, revealing the setting sun. With the wind in my marsh a mere whisper what it had been, and the hyper-cold air transmitting sound waves more efficiently, I could literally hear everything for miles.
The deer stepped out less than 100 yards away, and knowing the trails as I did, I knew it would be moving past me. It was a small deer—not one I normally would have taken, but it was late December as well. As it moved closer, I could hear the combined crunch of snow and ice and leaves under its hooves as it took each step, making it’s way towards me in the most brilliant last orange-red sunlight of the day. Forty yards, twenty yards, ten yards, and then directly below me.
“I shouldn’t be able to make the shot.” I thought to myself, believing the sounds of drawing the bow back in this utter silence would alert the deer. Then I thought that if I can draw the bow without alerting it, the deer is meant to be mine. I drew back the string, laid the sight pin on the vitals of this deer only 10 feet directly below me. The deer looked around perhaps thinking something is not quite right, and he paused.
I released. The arrow flew straight down passing directly through the deer and embedding itself into the hard frozen ground. The deer bolted, running West about twenty yards before stopping and turning broadside to me. It was looking back at me, breathing hard, but just standing there. The setting sun behind it cast the most beautiful light that caught and amplified the glistening of frost in its fur. The horizon ablaze but fading, a crimson and purple twilight sky was taking over. I could see blood dripping, and each breath it took instantly condensed and froze, hanging in mid-air and refracting those last few remnants of that magical sunlight. I will never forget that site. Fifteen seconds later, the deer fell over.
There was no rejoicing. There was me, and a deer, and harmony, and a feeling that this was LIFE as it was meant to be. Hunters will understand this. I hope the rest will someday have a chance to understand.
Basket balls
All you guys busy climbing the coporate ladder,please take note!!!!
After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation(NSF) announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become
After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation(NSF) announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become
8 morons
Worth a read!
Just take a few moments out to read these...!!
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to capture a gunman who barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the amount was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield , CA , some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat to go with speed. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped secuely in place, was the trailer!
Just take a few moments out to read these...!!
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to capture a gunman who barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the amount was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield , CA , some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat to go with speed. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped secuely in place, was the trailer!
Friday, July 20, 2007
I think Joe P reagan will be attacked by feminist Ninjas tonight !
My name is Joe P. Reagan and one question is on my mind today. Why do feminists hate freedom?
For far too long, men, and the moral fabric of Western society, have been on the receiving end of a very long societal shaft. The metal of this shaft was first welded by none other than the successors of Susan B. Anthony. It has continually been shined up and adorned with spikes in the smeltering rooms of every anti-man rally.
You see, friend, the fact is this. There should be relative equal rights between man and woman. Not many will argue against such an adage. But when you give woman an inch, she will take a mile. She will take so many miles, however, that she'll naturally get lost and out of her place.
And that's where we are today. A society with women far out of place and men left behind, trodden down and out of sight. The women who have been using the phrasing "equal rights" as a green light to gain ground on men have now caused effects that are destroying society itself.
Some of you may argue that women have fallen far out of step with their God given roles of cooking a proper dinner and tucking Junior into bed. It seems historical trends do tend to agree.
Back in the 1950s, women cooked dinner for their families. They would take time to wear starched aprons, buy fresh food from the market, and make sure a well-balanced dinner was awaiting their family by 5pm, as nature intended.
During those times, families were fit and appreciated nutrition. Girls were comfortable with their bodies, there was no reason to have a McDonald's on every corner. Obesity wasn't an issue because women were performing their natural duties.
Contrast such things with the travesty of today's society. On every playground you see hoardes of kids, cheeto stained hands, clamoring about with no mother in sight. The food court of every mall is filled, people snarfing down their daily Taco Bell for dinner. Meanwhile in home across our society, kitchens are empty.
I wish I could say this was the worst of our problems, but it's not the case. Today we have issues such as high divorce rates, broken families and school violence. Jack Thompson wants to blame it on video games. Grace says it's our lack of good role models.
I'll tell you the real answer. It's the rampant irresponsibility of the women who want to put career, and their desire to top men, above properly raising a kid and nurturing their families.
TV is not the solution to raising your kids. It is not meant as a baby-sitter. TV dinners and take-out aren't instructing your children on how to eat healthy. Your grandmother in-law would be ashamed.
Much as the women of today who were improperly raised in 60-70s, children are being taught that TV life is real, men are naturally pigs and fast food makes a healthy diet. The cycle is in the process of repeating itself, hence all the problems with todays "youth" being reported in the media. Over-aggressive feminism that encourages bad parenting and desolation of family is the root of societal downfall.
So I speak to every career woman and instigator goose-stepper without family when I say this; stop destroying society. Every once in a while, making a nice, warm dinner and tucking the kids in can go a very long way.
=Joe P. Reagan=
For far too long, men, and the moral fabric of Western society, have been on the receiving end of a very long societal shaft. The metal of this shaft was first welded by none other than the successors of Susan B. Anthony. It has continually been shined up and adorned with spikes in the smeltering rooms of every anti-man rally.
You see, friend, the fact is this. There should be relative equal rights between man and woman. Not many will argue against such an adage. But when you give woman an inch, she will take a mile. She will take so many miles, however, that she'll naturally get lost and out of her place.
And that's where we are today. A society with women far out of place and men left behind, trodden down and out of sight. The women who have been using the phrasing "equal rights" as a green light to gain ground on men have now caused effects that are destroying society itself.
Some of you may argue that women have fallen far out of step with their God given roles of cooking a proper dinner and tucking Junior into bed. It seems historical trends do tend to agree.
Back in the 1950s, women cooked dinner for their families. They would take time to wear starched aprons, buy fresh food from the market, and make sure a well-balanced dinner was awaiting their family by 5pm, as nature intended.During those times, families were fit and appreciated nutrition. Girls were comfortable with their bodies, there was no reason to have a McDonald's on every corner. Obesity wasn't an issue because women were performing their natural duties.
Contrast such things with the travesty of today's society. On every playground you see hoardes of kids, cheeto stained hands, clamoring about with no mother in sight. The food court of every mall is filled, people snarfing down their daily Taco Bell for dinner. Meanwhile in home across our society, kitchens are empty.
I wish I could say this was the worst of our problems, but it's not the case. Today we have issues such as high divorce rates, broken families and school violence. Jack Thompson wants to blame it on video games. Grace says it's our lack of good role models.
I'll tell you the real answer. It's the rampant irresponsibility of the women who want to put career, and their desire to top men, above properly raising a kid and nurturing their families.
TV is not the solution to raising your kids. It is not meant as a baby-sitter. TV dinners and take-out aren't instructing your children on how to eat healthy. Your grandmother in-law would be ashamed.
Much as the women of today who were improperly raised in 60-70s, children are being taught that TV life is real, men are naturally pigs and fast food makes a healthy diet. The cycle is in the process of repeating itself, hence all the problems with todays "youth" being reported in the media. Over-aggressive feminism that encourages bad parenting and desolation of family is the root of societal downfall.
So I speak to every career woman and instigator goose-stepper without family when I say this; stop destroying society. Every once in a while, making a nice, warm dinner and tucking the kids in can go a very long way.
=Joe P. Reagan=
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I'm goin to Canada
Madonna's doing it.
So is Susan Sarandon.
And Demi Moore? The divorced mother of three pretty well started the dating craze currently gripping Hollywood when she married Ashton Kutcher, some 15 years her junior.Now it seems that May-December type of romance could be the answer to female dating woes in Canada should the country's sex ratio imbalance grow any worse.
According to the latest census data released Tuesday by Statistics Canada, the national sex ratio is 95.9 men for every 100 women, down from 96.1 men to 100 Canadian women in 2001. The new statistics show that a Canadian woman's odds of finding a man are on a downward slide. The male-female ratio hasn't been even in Canada for 35 years.
For women seeking Mr. Right, the odds are best in the Northwest Territories — 104.9 men to 100 women — and worst in Nova Scotia, where women outnumber men 100 to 92.9.
While Quebec, Ontario and British Columbia all hover around the national average, there are some towns in Alberta where women drastically outnumber men.
University of Alberta sociology and demography Prof. Frank Trovato said he attributes the differential to migration and the lower life expectancy of males.
``If you look at the age-specific sex ratio for each age group, you'll find the ratio starts to fall below 100 by age 25-30,'' he said, noting the drop is initially very gradual. ``As you get past age 65, it really falls sharply in favour of women.''
Immigration could account for some of the imbalance, Trovato said, adding it becomes an even bigger factor when you consider migration at the local level.
``A lot depends on the occupational structure,'' he said, noting forestry and mining communities are likely to see skewed ratios as those occupations tend to attract more males.
The discovery two years ago that girls are outnumbering boys two-to-one in the Aamjiwnaang First Nations community near Sarnia, Ont., raised a whole new set of questions.
Located in an area known as chemical valley, where Canada's largest cluster of chemical, allied manufacturing and research and development facilities spew smoke and nauseating smells on a daily basis, there's some suggestion industrial pollution could be responsible for skewed ratios.
Recent media reports about the negative effects of female sex hormones in lakes and rivers on wild fish populations and the discovery that certain plastics mimic female hormones also raises questions about what, if any, impact that might have on human reproduction.
While the territories present the best odds for Canada's single women, dating experts have other ideas for those not quite willing to settle up North or move to China, where the country's notorious one-child policy has resulted in a whole lot more testosterone than estrogen.
Meet Market Adventures spokeswoman Mitzi Young said group networking activities for singles, like the ones her company organizes, are a great way to meet like-minded people.
From city walking tours and sushi-making courses to weekend trips to New York City and skydiving adventures, Young said there's something for everyone. While many activities tend to attract more women than men — a recent urban scavenger hunt saw women outnumber men three-to-one, while a tour of Toronto's distillery district saw a 17-7 ratio favouring females — Young said sporting or extreme activities will draw more men.
``Sadly, men usually come out to more alcohol-related events,'' she added. ``Women will come out to just about everything and women bring friends. Guys, not so much ... they don't want the competition.''
The 42-year-old — who is dating a man 14 years her junior — suggests taking that route as another option. While she didn't meet her man through work, Young notes clients often tell her they're very much attracted by the maturity and confidence of an older woman.
As for women, she says with a laugh, they're ``dating the younger men because frankly — hot!''
Online dating websites Lavalife and Plenty of Fish say one place men actually outnumber women is in cyberspace, where the split is 60-40.
``I think women tend to like meeting people in person more than men do,'' said Plenty of Fish founder Markus Frind, noting off-line events organized by members tend to sign up more women.
Lavalife's Lori Miller said men are looking for quantity and like the one-stop shopping style of online dating where they can be very specific in terms of what they're looking for.
Women, she added, are more interested in quality and are likely to pay close attention to people's profiles and find a few men they can really connect with.
One of the most active dating groups right now, Miller said, are baby boomers who find themselves divorced or widowed and are looking for companionship.
Just last month, Lavalife launched PRIME, a new matchmaking site dedicated to those over 45.
Miller said thousands have already signed up, most of them between the ages of 45 and 55, and that the sex ratio appears to be equal right across the board.
While there aren't too many senior citizens, Miller said the oldest male signed in at 79, the oldest female at 73.
Top 10 mysteries of the mind
Much of what we don't understand about being human is simply in our heads. The brain is a befuddling organ, as are the very questions of life and death, consciousness, sleep, and much more. Here's a heads-up on what's known and what's not understood about your noggin.
# 10) Sweet Dreams:
If you were to ask 10 people what dreams are made of, you'd probably get 10 different answers. That's because scientists are still unraveling this mystery. One possibility: Dreaming exercises brain by stimulating the trafficking of synapses between brain cells. Another theory is that people dream about tasks and emotions that they didn't take care of during the day, and that the process can help solidify thoughts and memories. In general, scientists agree that dreaming happens during your deepest sleep, called Rapid Eye Movement (REM).
# 9) Slumber Sleuth:
Fruit flies do it. Tigers do it. And humans can't seem to get enough of it. No, not that. We're talking about shut-eye, so crucial we spend more than a quarter of our lives at it. Yet the underlying reasons for sleep remain as puzzling as a rambling dream. One thing scientists do know: Sleep is crucial for survival in mammals. Extended sleeplessness can lead to mood swings, hallucination, and in extreme cases, death. There are two states of sleep--non-rapid eye movement (NREM), during which the brain exhibits low metabolic activity, and rapid eye movement (REM), during which the brain is very active. Some scientists think NREM sleep gives your body a break, and in turn conserves energy, similar to hibernation. REM sleep could help to organize memories. However, this idea isn't proven, and dreams during REM sleep don't always correlate with memories.
# 8) Phantom Feelings:
It's estimated that about 80 percent of amputees experience sensations, including warmth, itching, pressure and pain, coming from the missing limb. People who experience this phenomenon, known as "phantom limb," feel sensations as if the missing limb were part of their bodies. One explanation says that the nerves area where the limb severed create new connections to the spinal cord and continue to send signals to the brain as if the missing limb was still there. Another possibility is that the brain is "hard-wired" to operate as if the body were fully intact--meaning the brain holds a blueprint of the body with all parts attached.
#7) Mission Control:
Residing in the hypothalamus of the brain, the suprachiasmatic nucleus, or biological clock, programs the body to follow a 24-hour rhythm. The most evident effect of circadian rhythm is the sleep-wake cycle, but the biological clock also impacts digestion, body temperature, blood pressure, and hormone production. Researchers have found that light intensity can adjust the clock forward or backward by regulating the hormone melatonin. The latest debate is whether or not melatonin supplements could help prevent jet lag--the drowsy, achy feeling you get when "jetting" across time zones.
# 6) Memory Lane:
Some experiences are hard to forget, like perhaps your first kiss. But how does a person hold onto these personal movies? Using brain-imaging techniques, scientists are unraveling the mechanism responsible for creating and storing memories. They are finding that the hippocampus, within the brain's gray matter, could act as a memory box. But this storage area isn't so discriminatory. It turns out that both true and false memories activate similar brain regions. To pull out the real memory, some researchers ask a subject to recall the memory in context, something that's much more difficult when the event didn't actually occur.
# 5) Brain Teaser:
Laughter is one of the least understood of human behaviors. Scientists have found that during a good laugh three parts of the brain light up: a thinking part that helps you get the joke, a movement area that tells your muscles to move, and an emotional region that elicits the "giddy" feeling. But it remains unknown why one person laughs at your brother's foolish jokes while another chuckles while watching a horror movie. John Morreall, who is a pioneer of humor research at the College of William and Mary, has found that laughter is a playful response to incongruities--stories that disobey conventional expectations. Others in the humor field point to laughter as a way of signaling to another person that this action is meant "in fun." One thing is clear: Laughter makes us feel better.
# 5) Brain Teaser:
Laughter is one of the least understood of human behaviors. Scientists have found that during a good laugh three parts of the brain light up: a thinking part that helps you get the joke, a movement area that tells your muscles to move, and an emotional region that elicits the "giddy" feeling. But it remains unknown why one person laughs at your brother's foolish jokes while another chuckles while watching a horror movie. John Morreall, who is a pioneer of humor research at the College of William and Mary, has found that laughter is a playful response to incongruities--stories that disobey conventional expectations. Others in the humor field point to laughter as a way of signaling to another person that this action is meant "in fun." One thing is clear: Laughter makes us feel better.
# 3) Mortal Mystery:
Living forever is just for Hollywood. But why do humans age? You are born with a robust toolbox full of mechanisms to fight disease and injury, which you might think should arm you against stiff joints and other ailments. But as we age, the body's repair mechanisms get out of shape. In effect, your resilience to physical injury and stress declines. Theories for why people age can be divided into two categories: 1) Like other human characteristics, aging could just be a part of human genetics and is somehow beneficial. 2) In the less optimistic view, aging has no purpose and results from cellular damage that occurs over a person's lifetime. A handful of researchers, however, think science will ultimately delay aging at least long enough to double life spans.
# 2) Deep Freeze:
Living forever may not be a reality. But a pioneering field called cryonics could give some people two lives. Cryonics centers like Alcor Life Extension Foundation, in Arizona, store posthumous bodies in vats filled with liquid nitrogen at bone-chilling temperatures of minus 320 degrees Fahrenheit (78 Kelvin). The idea is that a person who dies from a presently incurable disease could be thawed and revived in the future when a cure has been found. The body of the late baseball legend Ted Williams is stored in one of Alcor's freezers. Like the other human popsicles, Williams is positioned head down. That way, if there were ever a leak in the tank, the brain would stay submerged in the cold liquid. Not one of the cryopreserved bodies has been revived, because that technology doesn't exist. For one, if the body isn't thawed at exactly the right temperature, the person's cells could turn to ice and blast into pieces.
# 1) Consciousness:
When you wake up in the morning, you might perceive that the Sun is just rising, hear a few birds chirping, and maybe even feel a flash of happiness as the fresh morning air hits your face. In other words, you are conscious. This complex topic has plagued the scientific community since antiquity. Only recently have neuroscientists considered consciousness a realistic research topic. The greatest brainteaser in this field has been to explain how processes in the brain give rise to subjective experiences. So far, scientists have managed to develop a great list of questions.
Lets Just Be Friends...
"You say you just want to be my friend .I know that you mean you want to relate to my mind but not to my body .I can understand that and will not ask you to relate to me in any way that you don't want , or talk to me about subjects you find uncomfortable .But likewise I refuse to castrate myself for you by pretending not to have feeling I have .I f you want me as your friend you will have to accept my penis along with me "
Hugh Prather (Notes to Myself)
Any comments women ? men ?
Top Reasons why ladies today are still Single !
From the heart of an anonymous woman...
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
Top reasons why ladies today are still single...
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
Girls who constantly talk about their problems face higher depression, anxiety risk
Girls really should stop complaining about their problems with their pals, for a new study has found that those who do so, are at a greater risk of developing anxiety and depression.
Amanda Rose, associate professor of psychological sciences in the College of Arts and Science conducted the study, which was carried out over a period of six months.
The study, which included 813 third, fifth, seventh and ninth grade students - boys and girls - examined the effects of co-rumination - excessively talking with friends about problems and concerns.
Rose found that girls co-ruminate more than boys, especially in their teens, and that they are also the ones who are most likely to be more depressed and anxious.
"When girls co-ruminate, they're spending such a high percentage of their time dwelling on problems and concerns that it probably makes them feel sad and more hopeless about the problems because those problems are in the forefront of their minds. Those are symptoms of depression," Rose said.
"In terms of anxiety, co-ruminating likely makes them feel more worried about the problems, including about their consequences. Co-rumination also may lead to depression and anxiety because it takes so much time - time that could be used to engage in other, more positive activities that could help distract youth from their problems.
"This is especially true for problems that girls can't control, such as whether a particular boy likes them, or whether they get invited to a party that all of the popular kids are attending," she added.
The participants answered questionnaires that assessed co-rumination, depression, anxiety and the quality of their best friendship in the fall and spring of the school year.
Rose also noted that though co-rumination was related to increased depression and anxiety, it was also associated with positive friendship quality, including feelings of closeness between friends.
Boys who co-ruminated also developed closer friendships across the school year but did not develop greater depressive and anxiety symptoms over time.
"For years, we have encouraged kids to find friends who they can talk to about their problems, and with whom they can give and receive social support. In general, talking about problems and getting social support is linked with being healthy. What's intriguing about theses findings is that co-rumination likely represents too much of a good thing. Some kids, especially girls, are taking talking about problems to an extreme. When that happens, the balance tips, and talking about problems with friends can become emotionally unhealthy," she said.
Rose said adolescents should be encouraged to talk about their problems, but only in moderation and without co-ruminating.
"They also should engage in other activities, like sports, which can help them take their minds off their problems, especially problems that they can't control," she said.
The study, "Prospective Associations of Co-Rumination With Friendship and Emotional Adjustment: Considering the Socioemotional Trade-Offs of Co-rumination," will be published in the July issue of Development Psychology. (ANI)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Bad Things to Hear On an Airplane
| Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane | ||
 | ||
| 10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore. 9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know. 8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does? 7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding. 6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming! 5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory. 4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you? 3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks! 2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on? 1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another. | ||
The 10 Greatest Advancements in Fast Food
10. McDonald's Monopoly
How do you combine the ruthless consumerism of the fast food industry with a board game about ruthless consumerism? Easily. You put "game pieces" on whatever you're looking to move (large fries and drinks, Big Macs), and then you advertise the holy hell out of it. People like fast food, but people love fast food plus a chance to win a million dollars, or, as was more often the case, "1 sm. fry." Over the years, McDonald's has given out enough prizes to choke an asthmatic baby (read: 1 sm. fry) because, as it turns out, someone high on the game piece totem was siphoning off the rare pieces, giving them to his friends, and sharing in the winnings. Ah, to be possessed by the spirit of Monopoly.
9. Angus Beef
It's delicious and, by now, this high quality meat is an option on everyone's menu. But it wasn't until 1994 that any fast food chain dove head first into Angus. It was Arctic Circle, the Utah-based-and-therefore-little-known burger joint, who first went Angus-only back in 1994; they remain the only fast food restaurant to deal exclusively in Angus Beef today. Though they are alone in the refusal to carry lesser meats, Arctic Circle deserves a sliver of recognition for putting enough regional pressure on the big chains to get them to step up their respective games.
8. McDonald's introduces supersize it
Are you (or have you ever been) fat? You can thank David Wallerstein for that. He was the McDonald's executive who came up with the Supersize idea for McDonalds. Mickey D's "founder" Ray Kroc was an old fashioned guy and fired back at Wallerstein's suggestion that people, if they wanted more soda or more fries, would simply purchase a second helping. But Wallerstein pushed and pushed and the Supersize campaign went into affect. It was a soaring success. Why did people fall for the Supersize trickery when, at the time it was introduced, it wasn't even that much of a value in price? Because people believed if they ate one larger portion they were still not eating as much as two portions, therefore convincing themselves they weren't the helpless wads of fat they really were. Thanks mostly to "Super Size Me," McDonalds has dropped their Supersize campaign, but while it was in effect it inspired several other fast food chains, most notably Wendy's, with their "Biggie" size. But nothing beats a eating a pound of McDoanald's fries.
7. Taco Bell stays open late and encourages drunks to eat their "fourth meal"
Even though it's totally counterintuitive to all logic, nothing makes a drunk person feel better like a meal right before bed. Usually these meals were limited to bar food or all night diners. But those places took too long and if you wanted to grab a hot load of food to quell your queasiness right before bedding a hot slut, you'd be shit out of luck. Taco Bell changed all that. They opened their restaurants late (first, until 11, then all the way to 1...and now, in select locations, all night). Then they started their "4th Meal" campaign. Now, in the ads, they never once mention alcohol. But their repeated campaigns depicting 20-somethings franticly searching various cities for their late night snack clearly is courting the drunk and high crowd. And God bless them--now, most other fast food places stay open late as well (or at the very least, keep the drive -thru open). Wendy's seems to take the drunken crowd almost as seriously as Taco Bell. It seems like if there's a bandwagon to be jumped on, Wendy's is chasing that wagon at full speed, jumping shoes and all.
6. Subway successfully tricks people into thinking they make healthy fast food
By the time I graduated high school, I was getting close to being borderline obese. I ballooned from a size 40 to a size 44 pants size within my senior year. Things were looking grim. Then I got a summer job that required I be on my feet at all time and an internship that was seven miles from my house that required a 45 minute long bike ride there and back. Oh, also, I barely had any time to eat and ended up quickly making two hot dogs for lunch and two for dinner. Needless to say, by the time I entered college, I was down to a size 36 and I had lost almost 50 pounds (in under three months). I suppose you could say I lost weight thanks to hot dogs in addition to exercise. That'd be a fib...the kind of fib Jared, from Subway, tells every day (his, as you probably know, is that he lost nearly 100 pounds). But it's the kind of fib lazy people who don't want to ride bikes and run and exercise want to believe. Thanks to Jared and his perfect "aw shucks" delivery, Subway is now the fastest growing fast food chain in America (in fact, there are more Subway restaurants in Manhattan than there are McDonalds). Thanks to Jared, every fast food chain (save Popeye's) has "healthy" food items on their menu now. And thanks to Jared, people will continue to believe they can lose weight by not exercising and eating shitty ham sandwiches. And here's something, guys: even if you do lose weight, the sandwiches are still not "healthy" for you. They still don't contain vegetables or nutrients that your body needs and are still mostly packed with bullshit and you'll still die of a coronary. But you'd never know that...because a guy who used to be fat told you he lost weight.
5. Wendy's 99 Cent Menu
The main attraction of fast food was that it was fast. But people kept coming back in droves for another reason. No, not because it was delicious. Are you serious? You're gonna get your ass kicked even suggesting that one. No...not because it was so gosh darned healthy for you. Look in the mirror--do you look healthy? Do you even look alive? No...people kept coming back because fast food was CHEAP. That, unfortunately, stopped being the case. With the advent of McDonald's meal menu and steady inflation during the 1980s, fast food quietly got more expensive, sort of like a whore who handcuffs you, gives you a blow job and then takes your wallet. By 1988, you couldn't get a full meal at a fast food spot for under three bucks, unless you were an anorexic girl or a two year old. Enter Wendy's 99 Cent Value Menu. From 1988 until a few years ago, all items on the 99 Cent Menu were...99 cents. The choices on the menu varied--sometimes a baked potato, sometimes some strange desert item, often times a weird cheeseburger with bacon that changed its name weekly--but from then on, you knew you could get full for very cheap. McDonalds soon followed suit with their dollar menu and Taco Bell and KFC recently introduced their own versions--but you can thank Dave Thomas for keeping your cheap eats intact.
4. The Drive-Through (or: The Drive-Thru)
Drive-through service was pioneered by banks who rightly assumed that their customers hated to stand up under any circumstance. But it was long after the frontier had been blazed by banks that fast food restaurants finally took up the standard of the drive-through window. The first drive-through window opened in an Arizona McDonald's in 1975 to help serve a nearby military base, but its popularity was not limited to the army, and so the concept took root and spread. The drive-through is beautiful not only because it allows you to stand up roughly one-less time per trip to a fast food restaurant, it also seriously reduces the amount of interpersonal contract necessary, and excises almost all direct contact. Talk into the speaker, give money, take food, leave. The drive-through is quick and clean and leaves very little opportunity to ruin your day, except when you drive home and realize that your order is so wrong that it makes you want to open up your own fast food place just to see if it's really that hard, Well, guess what? I did, and it isn't.
3. Pizza is Delivered
Sometime after World War Two, soldiers returning from the Italian front opened pizzerias. There were so many, though, that competition was tense, and that competition resulted in one of the finest consumer conveniences ever imagined: hot food brought directly to your door, ready to be served and immediately eaten. I want you to think back, now, on all the nights you've had in which a delivered pizza has saved your lazy ass from actually working to feed yourself in any way. This is nothing to be trivialized. Think about what it must have been like before World War II. You'd call up your local pizza place and ask if you could get a pizza delivered only to be informed that there are no pizzeria's yet -- they largely weren't opened until after the war, remember? -- and you're talking to a guy at the lead paint store and, "Would you like some lead paint?" And, also, your kids act all crazy from the lead paint. Aren't you glad you can get a pizza delivered?
2. Ray Kroc Supersizes McDonald's
Ray Kroc was a 50-something-year-old milkshake machine salesman when he first set foot in a McDonald's restaurant, so he knew he didn't have any more time to waste. He was interested by the quantity of machines the McDonald's wanted (8), and immediately went into business with them setting up a series of their quick-serve burger stops across the state of California. He bought out the McDonald brothers in 1961 and pushed his fast food empire global. Finally, in a move that surprised no one, the McDonald's magnate died of heart trouble. Live by the burger, die by the burger.
1. The Earl of Sandwich puts meat between two pieces of bread
John Montagu was not destined to be a great man. He lived his life as the Earl of a small area of England rather uneventfully and though he was born of noble birth, he was really an average guy. Which makes it rather fitting that he singlehandedly invented fast food. You might already know the legend--that the Earl was looking a quick way to eat his steak while gambling and quickly improvised and put the meat between two pieces of bread (hah! he invented it while gambling...sounds like a pretty cool guy actually). This story has been disputed by party poopers who claim he probably invented the "Sandwich" while working, at his desk. But whether the Earl was busy with work or with a hearty round of gambling...he needed his food...FAST. And thus John Montagu, the Earl of Sandwich, jump-started the whole fast food movement. What a saint.
Pick Up lines For Geeks
-Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
When a Kiss is a Kiss is a Kiss
Kissing Explained
A first kiss should always be done while the two of you are alone. This will help to avoid any unnecessary nervousness and embarrassing situations.
The best type of kiss is one that uses different variations...
such as starting with a small kiss, working into a French Kiss, maybe sucking on your partner's upper or lower lip...
And don't just leave kisses to the lips.
Kiss their cheeks, their chin or their eyelids.
This can be very seductive and romantic.
Basic Kissing Tips
Great Breath - This is very important. Make sure you brush your teeth before going out on your date. There is nothing worse than kissing someone with bad breath.
If your date consists of having something to eat before the actual kiss, make sure you have a mint on hand to take right after you finish eating. Don't take the mint just before the kiss or chew on gum. You don't want to have something in your mouth when you kiss.
Moist Lips - You want your lips to be slightly moist when you kiss. Run your tongue over your lips once before you kiss. Don't wear lip gloss because that tends to make the kiss too gooey.
And don't wear a lot of lipstick unless you want your partner to wear it too after the kiss. Slightly moist lips makes it easier to move your lips over your partner's and gives both you and your partner a more pleasant experience.
Positioning - Stand close to your partner. As the two of you move closer together tilt your head slightly. If you can see which way your partner's head is tilting, tilt your head slightly in the opposite direction.
Close Eyes - Just before your lips meet, close your eyes. Some people prefer to leave their eyes open during the kiss. But until you know what your partner prefers, it is best to close your eyes.
Open Lips - Open your mouth slightly and place your lips over your partner's lips. Do not hold your breath! Breath through your nose. As your lips meet, press them gently over your partner's. You may wish to move your lips in a slow, circular motion or just leave them still over your partners.
Closed Lips - This is like the type of kiss you'd give your grandma or aunt. Instead of opening your mouth when your lips meet, keep them closed. This is also a good way of letting your partner know this is as far as it goes. It also makes a great hello/good-bye kiss or a great first time kiss if you're nervous.
French Kissing
This is the most popular type of kiss. This involves touching your tongue with your partner's and it can be quite a pleasant experience. There are a few tips to create a great french kiss.
Open Lips - Open your lips over your partner's slightly more than you would during a regular kiss. This makes it easier to place your tongue in your partner's mouth.
Tongue - Place the tip of your tongue on the tip of your partner's tongue. Do not force your tongue too far into their mouth. If you wish, you can play with their tongue by circling theirs with your own. Have fun with it. Explore.
Lips - You may explore different ways of using your tongue. Try running the tip of your tongue over your partner's lips. Do this slowly and gently, just using the tip of your tongue.
Suck Kissing
This can be a very seductive type of kiss. Instead of French Kissing with your mouth open, while your partner's lips are parted suck on their top our bottom lip with your own, just for a second or two. Then go back to another type of kiss or try the other lip.
Nip Kissing
This type of kiss has to be done carefully, but when done correctly can create a wonderful effect on your date. While suck kissing, gently bite their lip, but be VERY gentle so as not to hurt your date / partner. This kiss should only be done with someone that you've kissed a few times before, otherwise you may shock your partner.
Surprise Kissing
This type of kiss is done when your partner is lying down on a sofa or the ground, either asleep or just lying with their eyes closed. Quietly approach your partner and place a small, very gentle kiss on their lips. Intensify the kiss until your partner opens their eyes or awakens.
Learn to Kiss with these 5 Random Tips
1) Practice on your hand
Sure, this might sound a little freakish, but everyone has done it, and it's a great way to practice your lip movement. Put your upper lip over you index finger (hand should be flat and facing you...like you're about to do a karate chop). Put your lower lip just below the bottom of your middle finger. Slowly glide your lower lip over the middle finger and stop
when it gets to the bottom of your index finger (your two lips should come close but never touch).
Repeat this motion over and over. Occasionally, take your tongue and glide it from the middle of your middle finger to the middle of your index finger. Every few strokes gently push your tongue between your index finger and middle finger. Remember, move your tongue slowly.
2) Practice in the mirror
This is a great way to fine tune your approach. Watch for your facial expressions and look for two key things:
the point at which you close your eyes and when you open your mouth. Wait until your lips are about an inch away (from the lips in the mirror) before you open up. At nearly the same time (or a half second earlier), start to close your eyes.
3) Watch the Movies & TV
It's hard to flip through the channels without seeing people making out...especially on MTV. Use this sex-saturated resource to your advantage. You can really learn a lot by watching people kiss on the big screen. Bear in mind, though, that not all kisses are realistic (Top Gun) or practical in everyday life.
Instead, look at how normal kisses are done. Watch for body positioning, placement of hands, and the point at which people close their eyes and open their mouths. Rent a movie or two...this way you'll have the ability to hit rewind and watch the proper technique over and over.
4) Watch other people
Look at how couples at your school do it. Watch for details like the approach, the way they look at each other right before they kiss, etc.
5) Ask your friends
This can provide you with invaluable insights.Yup , You can ask me anytime and I'll be glad to help ;)
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