I , Azra Shaukat Rahman , am the only child of Late.Shaukat rahman and Nasreen.
I have introduce myself sometime , otherwise , you'll end up listening to a story by a nameless face, a ghost.Ghosts have no power , and I don't want to be a ghost.I'm alive.
A hazy recollection of my past reveals broken memories-scattered events , shattered conversations and battered images.
Mom would often say "I wish I was never born a woman" or "I wish you were never born" .Those days I thought she hated me.No , she didn't .She hated being a woman, bound by her religion and bound by her country.
I wish I could understand , but we never talked about it.
Didn't she love me ? Yes she did.
She made sure that I grew up a boy.I didn't ask why , though I wish I did.No dolls , no earrings , no necklaces or anything girly.Instead of skirts and salwars, I was made to wear T-shirts and loose pyjamas.Does this have anything to do with the story ? No . I had to say this to someone who is listening to me , Thats all.
So , for all practical purposes , I was a boy.
But there were signs that I was not going to remain a boy for long.
"Azra's getting a butt on her just like a girl" remarked Meher , my thirteen year old cousin , when were being bathed together.
"Next thing you know, she'll be mooning in the mirror and wanting to pluck her eyebrows and colour her lips "
"No way" I said defiantly , yet a bit unsure.
I grew up outside the kitchen , playing with plastic guns with other boys.Yet after thirteen , after the first time I bled , I was no longer allowed to be with the boys.
I was not a boy.
Then what was I?
"You're your mama's boy , big and strong, and always dependable" mom would reassure.Sadly the oe person who could save this from happening to me , dad , was too consumed by maintaining a struggling business and coping with alcoholism.
Shaukat Rahman, my dad , was in my life , mostly invisible and tragically irrelevant.
But now I knew.I was a woman.
I would have balked at the Idea that pregnancy would make me complete and hence I was a "Complete Woman"
But at least , I was a woman.
I loathe this "to be continued" thing. that is the reason I never watch soap operas or reality shows or american idol. grrrr.
ReplyDeleteSoaps are worse. There're those never-ending commercials in between. Everytime I'd walk away and forget to return. But it seems I never miss much.
ReplyDeleteAs for Azra, I see promise of a good storyline. Don't sail away yet, Vik.
ReplyDeleteSorry abt the to be continued,
, I wrote this on a very hot night .
I suffer from insomnia , And couldnt sleep one night.
So I started out at 12:30 am and finished around 04:00 am .
It was 10 pages long.
This is the edited version, for the notoriously attention defiecient internet community.
another extremely patient writer. seems like i'm the only one who posts first drafts. i admire you guys. i truly do. i wish i have an ounce of your virtues.
ReplyDelete