| Rating: | ★★★ |
| Category: | Movies |
| Genre: | Mystery & Suspense |
| Rating: | ★★★★ |
| Category: | Movies |
| Genre: | Comedy |
Fact :Yellow Monkey exists in reality .It is a small bar situated in Yosu , South Korea.Try Googling it sometime.
No yellow monkeys were harmed during the making of this post.
Fact: The Author does not smoke.Hates it amongst other things.
Fact:The Author is a self confessed compulsive liar.This is true, If you choose to believe it.
Fact:All the above are true ,
depending on what reality you choose to accept.
It's your drug of choice.
The blue pill or the red pill.
It's your drug of choice, your choice of reality.
So here we go again ...
The thing I most hate about alcohol is the company I have to endure.
Give a drunk a sympathetic ear and he'll tear it off and keep it for himself , my uncle used to say.
No , not really . My uncle said something in the lines of ' give a drunk a sympathetic ear and he'll bore you to tears'.
My uncle wasn't much of a writer, or a thinker .
Not much of anything really.
He died recently.
I hate him for what he did to his family.
As I was saying 'give a drunk a sympathetic ear and he'll tear it off and keep it for himself'.
(I may not be much of a writer or a thinker or much of anything , but I wont be dying of liver cirrhosis and abandoning my family,at least).
Open the inebriated pandora's box at your own risk.
The outpour results in a ridiculous deluge.
Accomplishments-real and imagined , regrets-for things done and not done , usually not done , rage against slights and offences when there were none, empty boasts stacked upon a pack of lies- all come out of the previously constipated , now alcohol laxated sphincter of the mind .
But this is where real male bonding takes place.
But this is where macho men break down and weep , hug each other and exchange' I love you man' s with each other and mean it .
As the old joke goes , drinking makes you talk more , weep , feel bloated , drive badly, argue pointlessly etc....
i.e it makes you a woman.
So why do men enjoy such routine emasculation ?
I don't know.But I hate the entire experience.
What I hate about alcohol is the loss of control: physical and mental.I hate not being in control of myself and being under someone else's influence.
So I do what I best know.
I fight .
I fight really hard to regain control over my motor system , my senses and my impulses - effectively ruining the intended effect of intoxication.
So there we are , me and him , in the Yellow Monkey.
That's the name of the lounge bar .It was the strange name that made us venture into this place.It is slightly upmarket.(No yellow monkeys to be found anywhere.)The clientele are wearing buisiness suits and stylish blazers and everyone looks like he or she has had a facial , manicure and pedicure recently.
We on the other hand are wearing our standard jeans & T-shirt combos, are un-shaven , un-combed , possibly smelling bad: like the bourgeois crap we are.
We are the only foriegners there , the odd couple - a self professed teetotaler and a self confessed alcohol abuser , seated on a comfy lounging sofa overlooking the busy streets , busy smoking and drinking ~ imbibing one poison after the other and spitting out pure venom tinged with bittersweet nostalgia.
The world has betrayed , hurt and deceived us many times and therefore we imbibe large amounts of noxious fermented liquids that make us giddy .
This is how we get back at the unjust and uncaring world.
Up yours Universe ! Yeah !
Its cold.
My hands are so cold and numb that I wince and fumble every time I urinate.
I notice I've got goosebumps all over.Dotted for pleasure ;)
My life is a transient one , in a constant state of flux.A few days ago it was so hot , humid and sticky that you had peel your dick off your balls(if you had one) before taking a leak.But here it is so cold that it has been many days since my last hard-on and then there's that famous shrinkage...No one will believe what a whopper I've got thanks to shrinkage !
George Costanza was right .
You never want to get caught with your pants down when you've got shrinkage.
Yet we see brave (vain ? fashion conscious?) young women in impossibly short skirts and almost nothing else (with that I mean 'No stockings').Here we are wearing three layers of winter wear and still shivering miserably and there they are : unflinching and unusually comfortable.
The drunk mind is the devil's workshop .Also an idle mind ,the crazy mind, the overly ambitious mind and so on.
It seems that the devils sets up her workshop everywhere possible.
(What ? You think the devil is a man ?Think Again. God on the other hand is a man.If he were a woman , all the men in the world would have been destroyed long long ago , leaving only asexually reproducing women , using mitosis and meiosis to proliferate)
I have to remind you ,my friend and I are LUI.( Lounging Under Influence).
(I'm also WUI, i.e Writing ...)
It is certainly not a crime , but sometimes the devils workshop in the intoxicated mind creates strange concoctions of weird hormones and chemicals that tend to give to imbiber what they call ' liquid courage'.
My friend is almost out of control and I am fighting to gain some of it.
He's staring at her bare thighs while shivering.
She is wearing an impossibly high skirt , has an anime doll face that looks deadly cute.She's sitting in a corner drinking what I believe to be Steaming Hot Cocoa and minding her own business .
My friends eyes were following her all the way from outside .She is not even wearing a coat , he remarks .
An evil grin creeps slowly across his face .(No doubt , he's under the influence of the devil).He whispers to methat he has some questions for her and that he will go to her and feel her thighs and find out if those yummy thighs are generating any unusual amount of heat which enables her to be comfortably warm in such cold climes.
I'm afraid he'll actually do it.
And get beaten .
Korea's national sport is Tae-Kwon-Do.
The last thing he'd want is to molest a tae-kwon-do expert and get knocked out by a roundhouse kick to his alcohol soaked head...
But lucky for him,he wont feel a thing for he's comfortably numb.(and dumb ?)
But he'll get me beaten up too , I'm afraid.
I'm not that numb that I wont feel a thing.
And I don't want to be beaten up nothing.
I didn't eve tease nobody.
Atleast let me feel her warm thighs if you are going to beat me up.(She does have a great pair of legs , worthy of showing off in whatever weather she feels like showing it off) (Atleast Give me something if your'e going to beat me up !)
So I'd rather run away and live another day.Die a hero , or live as a coward...many men have come across this rubicon that decided their self worth , character , their future , their everything...
A 100 watt bulb flashes on top of my head. TING !
That's not the sound of the bulb.That's actually a toaster I'm using to make my toast .It's smeared with peanut butter and jelly fish.mmmmmm.....yummy.
As the bulb flashed , I knew what I had to do to avert a potential disaster.
"Quick ! Yellow Monkey ! " I said pointing nowhere in particular.
Alcohol is a depressant.It took him some time to follow what I said.
He slowly turned his head towards where I pointed .
"Huh ! Wh-What , where...?!" he said.
"You gotta be quick man .You just missed it."
"Huh , You shitting me man ?, I'm nosh thasshh drunk "
"Yeah sure ...Whoa , look at that !, There it is ! " I pointed elsewhere...
He turned slowly"Wh-where...?!?!"
While his eyes were off her , I had to do something to avert the crisis.
I knew I'd hate myself for what I was going to do next,but it was for everyone's best.I'm sure she'd forgive me if she knew the circumstances.I'm sure she knows I'm a decent man acting under unusual & dire circumstances .
I'm sure she'll like for who I really am.(Tell me , who's more drunk , me or my friend ?)
l positioned myself in her line of sight and locked my eyes onto hers.(It was the devil making me do it, I swear).
I made a clucking sound , grabbing her attention.
She saw me see her .
I had to act fast.
I clucked again , making sure I got her full attention.
I gave her an exaggerated wink , and mouthed silently " YOU AND ME GIRL ,YOU AND ME " and made silly pouty smooching faces at her as I took a huge swig of beer and grinned lasciviously.
Please God (Devil?) , let this work ...Let this work...
Sure enough , she got up , her face filled with disgust , left in a huff.
Whew !
"Hey, hey She's leaving , she's leaving ..." My friend said ,"I had sho-o-o-o many quessshuns" he slurred.
"I'm sure you did .Hey ! Want another beer ? Its on me !"
"Hey , where's the yellow monkey ?" he asked , still remembering.
"I think it was the Yellow monkey which made her leave " I said trying hard not to smile.
Flaccid Length : Measure immediately after undressing, since a cold or warm room can cause shrinkage or expansion .( Remember George in "Seinfeld" in that swimming pool episode ?)
Do it while standing, and use a tape measure or flexible ruler .POsition the tip of the ruler gently against the point where the shaft meets the abdomen.Then bend the ruler along the shaft and read the length.Average: 3.43 inches
Erect Length : Immediately after you become fully hard , measure along the shaft and read the length along the top of your erection from the base of the shaft to the tip.Average: 5.03 inches
Girth: While erect , wrap the tape measure around your penis at its base .Average : 5.14 inches around , 1.67 inches diameter.
Erection Angle: Stand with your back against a wall and estimate your angle.A 0 degree erection (an oxymoron if we've heard one) would point at your feet ; 90 degrees would point out in front , and 180 degrees would aim at your chin .Average: 105.7 degrees.
Disclaimer : This information is intended for educational purposes only.Conservatives and moralist bigots are free to hate and condemn me , but I will sue for slander, if it crosses a line .
Also , this information is obviously applicable "only " for men.Therefore no complaints from women will be entertained.(But women will be entertained , on request only , and only by author's discretion)
Finally , men I'm not interested in any of the above data which you might feel like sharing with me.So if you feel the urge to share it , I suggest you climb on top of a BUILDING and start screaming.
"But Dad , " I used to say " Popeye eats spinach from a can"
"Well," Dad would say " where he lives , they don't get fresh spinach ....so He is forced to eat canned spinach "
Dad would convince me.
We are a family of Lacto-vegetarians.We consume diary products , but nothing non-vegetarian.
It was dad , who insisted right from childhood , the following of healthy practices of eating.
Even to this day , our family eats more fruit and vegetables than rice and processed food like bread.No pizzas , no burgers , no colas , no cakes ...and yes , No Regrets for restricting ourselves.
Dad and mom , both inculcated in me a very healthy attitude towards eating.I hate sweet stuff and oily food and love fresh fruits and raw vegetables.My vices are chocolate and cheese , which I indulge in very rarely and prudently.
Whats more , Research points a finger at the dad for obesity in kids.
Fat children are more likely to have their father to blame for their weight problem than their mother, a new study shows.
Research by Australian child health experts has revealed that fathers who are disengaged or do not set clear limits for their kids are more likely to have heavier children.
Dads who did lay down boundaries generally had children with a lower body mass index (BMI), the study of almost 5,000 youngsters found.
Surprisingly, a mother's parenting behaviour or style apparently had no impact on whether a child was overweight or obese, according to research by Murdoch Children's Research Institute and The Royal Children's Hospital, Melbourne.
Hospital specialist Professor Melissa Wake said the large study was the first to suggest that men could be at the front line in preventing early childhood obesity.
"Mothers are often blamed for their children's obesity, but this study suggests that for more effective prevention perhaps we should focus on the whole family," Prof Wake said.
The results also showed that 40 per cent of these young mothers and more than 60 per cent of the young fathers were themselves overweight or obese.
The research, to be presented at a paediatrics conference in Toronto this week, compared the BMIs of four- and five-year-olds with their parents' parenting styles.
The specialists said it was vital to study early parenting because home life often established patterns for life-long obesity.
Earlier research had shown that childhood obesity was highly stable during the primary school years, right from school entry, Prof Wake said.
"For instance, the BMI of a prep grade child has an 85 per cent correlation with their BMI three years later," she said.
"Obese school children are very likely to become obese adults."
Childhood obesity is growing at an alarming rate in Australia, with more than 20 per cent of preschool children either overweight or obese.
Extra weight is a precursor to serious childhood and adult diseases like asthma, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and cancer.
SO , Thanks Dad .
 | How to remove difficult clothing in a jiffy ? Guys , you've always wanted to know how Joey Tribbiani does it ... Now , you get to learn it , step by step. Back-Clasping Bra (with One Hand) 1. Move your date forward. If your date is lying on her back or leaning against a sofa, you will not have the necessary space to attempt this maneuver. Use a gentle embrace to guide her into a position so that you have access to her back. 2. Visualize the clasp. You are most likely dealing with a hook-and-eye closure. The hooks are generally on her right side; the eyes will be on her left side. 3. Reach your right hand around to the clasp. Bend your index finger over the bra clasp and place it between the fabric and her skin. 4. Brace your thumb against the eyes of the clasp. 5. Holding your index finger down, push the hook-side of the bra with your thumb. It may take a few attempts before you get good at this, so do not be discouraged—try again. 6. Slide the now-open bra off her arms. Be Aware The bigger the breasts, the bigger the challenge, since the closure on her bra is bearing more weight and is likely to be more taut. Front-Clasping Bra 1. Determine the type of clasp. There are two different varieties: a pin-in-slot clasp, which has a pin inserted vertically in a slot, and a clicker clasp. Clicker clasps, when closed, often look like a circle or an oval. 2. For a pin-in-slot clasp, pull the pin upward. This will free the two cups, and you can proceed to step 4. 3. For a clicker clasp, push both ends away from you. Place your thumbs at the center of the clasp and, using a motion similar to snapping a small wafer in half, apply pressure until it unclicks. Then lift up and separate the two halves of the closure. Depending on the clasp, you will need to raise either the left side or the right side first; try it one way, then the other. 4. Slide the now-open bra off her arms. Be Aware To maximize intimacy, maintain eye contact throughout the entire process. Do not look away unless you need to take a quick glance at the closure. Tight Boots 1. Sprinkle powder down the shaft of the boots. Talcum powder or baking powder will reduce the sweat and humidity inside the boots, making them easier to remove. 2. Position your date on the edge of a bed or couch. 3. Position yourself opposite your date. Sit in a chair braced against a wall, or rest one knee on the floor with the other foot flat on the floor. 4. Cup the heel of the boot in your right hand. Place your left hand on the area of the boot that covers the front of the leg/shin. Instruct your date to relax the foot in the boot. 5. Pull firmly and steadily with your right hand. You should feel some give in the heel. When you cannot move the boot any more, gently rock the boot back and forth. Your date should point the foot only slightly. To avoid injuring the wearer, do not jerk the boot. 6. Slide the boot off slowly. Caress the newly released foot. |
A few days ago I was arrested by the Fashion Police.They cited their reasons for arrest as that my present ensemble of Apple green T-shirt and Coffee-brown flared jeans was a major fashion faux-pas.
They proceeded to explain to me the intricacies of fashion and the importance of colour co-ordination and changing fashion trends with changing seasons.
It was a balmy afternoon , just after my Fire Fighting class.I was standing alone in a bus stand , waiting for Bus No 11 to take me to my flat .The damn bus was late...
They appeared out of nowhere: Two nubile nymphets , self proclaimed and self -empowered fashion police.
Let's just say they were not so nubile and they weren't nymphets either, but they took it upon themselves to teach me the basics of fashion.
But let me digress a little.
My fashion sense (or the lack of it ) was largely due to mom choosing all my clothes in my formative years till the time I left my house to earn a living.She always bought all my clothes(except my boxers , which I preferred over briefs ).Mom was the one who took all the decisions , weighing in options , taking into account factors like rough use and Growth spurts in the teenage years , so there was simply no need to understanding anything apart from remembering to zip your pants before going out.
As a tween , I used to watch FTV .All those years of secretly watching Fashion T.V didn't really help me with developing my fashion sense either.All I did was wait for wardrobe malfunctions and nipple-slips .Occasionally I did watch Midnight Hot in which scantily clad anorexic models displayed their flesh(but mostly bones) in various poses.It was stimulating , but sadly I did not have a skeletor-fetish.
I did learn a few useless French words "Haute Couture "and "Pret-a-porter" and countless brands with funny names (and funnier pronunciations) like Gucci (Pronounced as Gooshy ), Versace and Dolce & Gabbana.
I also learnt a few names of super models which I promptly forgot .The requirement for these models was to be 'boys with breasts' i.e . , these models should have the bodies of 12 year old boys and have a pair of breasts on them (from what I saw , size didn't matter ).
Sadly the Indian Information and Broadcasting ministry has banned FTV for promoting indecency and obscenity in India.
Ok , enough digression , lets get back on track.
The fashion police , a couple of first year girls from National Institute of Fashion Technology(NIFT) , were embarking on their first out of campus challenge.To educate a straight man on the nuances of fashion.Easier said than done.
They started telling me how apple green and baby blue weren't actually Indian colours.Here I was thinking that I was wearing a green tee and brown jeans but these girls corrected me that my ensemble (ensemble? WTF? I'm wearing a tee and a jeans , for pete's s
Then , because the bus was late , I decided to stay there , but blank out.I think they were telling me something about baby blue T-shirts and Maria Sharapova and thanks to that I promptly got lost in myself imagining Ms.Sharapova in a baby blue bikini.
P.S. I still have a T-shirt in the same colour as that of sharapova's dresss, but its a manly Muscle-tee OK, so I don't want to hear anymore about it.
P.P.S. I still don't get fashion.And today , I'm wearing the same green T-shirt and Brown jeans combo defiant of the warnings by the fashion police.
We are doing a small one week course called Advanced Fire Fighting (AFF).Here we learn about fire , its hazards and ways to tackle and extinguish fire.
It is a week long course with boring lectures on Theory of Fire , Structure of the Fire Fighting Organisation Team and blah blah blah...followed by gruelling fire drills.
Fire Drills are where a team wearing oxygen tanks (called a Self Contained Breathing Apparatus) must enter a mock ship like structure and rescue a dummy or perform other drills.Today , we had the Smoke test.
Imagine a three-storey metal building.Now imagine it baking continuously under the relentless Indian sun at a god-forsaken temperature of 40 deg c.Now imagine a fire in this metal building.All the doors of this building have been closed.All the windows are sealed.
As I have written earlier , there is a live fire going on inside.
The entire class was divided into 5 teams of 4 members each.Team A, B,C, D, E.
I was in Team C.We were to enter the building teamwise and come out safely .The instructor told us to go from the Bridge deck entrance and come out of the Starboard side exit.' Simple Enough !' One might think...
The purpose of this drill is to make you understand what goes on in the minds of the victims trapped inside a fire .So everyone would enter without any protection other than a simple safety helmet.
The first two teams went in and took ages to come out.They came out coughing , panting and gasping for air.They had lost their way as the interiors were totally dark and they had feel their way out.They nearly gave up before sounding their alaarm ringer calling for assistance.
After Team B , we were the next ones.Four of us were given one small battery operated torch and one alarm ringer .The torch gave out a weak yellow beam that barely went four feet ahead of us.The alarm ringer was given so that if anyone had an injury , or an unbearable feeling of asphyxiation or simply panicked , he could raise an alarm and the instructors would rush to his aid.At least in theory , they would rush to our aid .Reality as a whole different ball-game.
Team C , including me , offered silent prayers to God before entering the building.We promised each other that we would not leave behind anyone.And then , armed with one torch and one alarm ringer four of us entered into the Bridge Wing.
The Door slammed shut behind us.We were given five minutes the previous day to explore the whole structure and layout.No one took it seriously, and we all goofed off.
Now we all wished we hadn't.
It was eerily quiet inside .We all had remembered to take a large gulp o fresh air before going in.The only sound inside was that of the crackling of the burning wood and our own breathing.And of our hearts beating crazily .
We had to compete this test compulsorily , or else fail the entire course.And being the best amongst all the teams , we had set a goal of Three minutes or under to get out.We started going inside another entrance which could lead us from the third storey (the Bridge Deck) to the second storey.
Here , in the second storey , things were different.The heat was intense.Thick smoke had reduced visibility to zero and worse of all -we couldn't breathe.Oxygen was a precious commodity here.
Our small weak torch was virtually ineffective in the smoky confines of the second storey.We made a human chain , grabbing onto each other's overalls and started inching forward.We shuffled our feet to find if there were any obstacles in the ground , or if there were any holes in which we could fall.We felt the hot bulkheads of the building and moved ahead very slowly and carefully.Soon , we were out of breath.Our eyes were burning and watering profusely due to the fire and smoke.We had found the crucial railing that could lead us down.But one of us started panicking.He started coughing , heaving and retching violently.We decided to call for help.But panic overtook us here too.The guy with the alarm device could not activate it.Somehow , I was pushed ahead.I had no torch or alarm with me.But I groped ahead of me, trying to feel and find the raiking that would lead us to the lower deck.As a result , my head hit a bulkhead and right then I found the step ladder which would lead us down.
I screamed at the rest of the team to follow me.I had a hard time breathing , but I had to move on.And as we came down the steps and very close to the exit , the alarm was somehow activated.
The instructor opened the door only to find our team right next to it.We came out coughing and gasping.People started laughing at us .Apparently my face had become black where my head had banged the bulkhead.All our eyes were red and we spat out expletives and smoky phlegm as we came out.
We were happy to be the fastest team that day , finishing the entire drill in 2 minutes 28 seconds.
P.S. After e came out we all agreed that we had inhaled smoke equivalent to 20 marlboro cartons.Some resolved never to smoke again ,and out of those , a few went ahead and smoke 20 minutes later , saying that the new smoke from the cigarettes would displace the old firesmoke in their lungs.Idiots !
