Let me come out and finally tell you what really happened.
Often , it is a single event in your life that will steer your life in a new direction .Something dramatic , something which makes a huge impact , something Big...In my case , none of these happened.
As usual with many men , it was a heartbreak that triggered my change.
It was a very undramatic heartbreak , now that I think of it.
Very understated, so insignificant , like an unnoticed fart ,that no one would ever know if I didn't scream on top of my lungs every now and then lamenting the state of my broken heart.
As usual , I was in love .
She wasn't.
Later , when my mind sobered up , I began a journey of self discovery and cynicism .
I used to think there are riddles in this world not meant to be solved. But I cannot walk away from a riddle.
And what better riddle is there but woman?
It ended up blossoming into studying sexuality itself, and how it transcends the sex act itself.
You will find it in art, business, politics, society in general.
Oddly, I could never define woman. Nothing was there.
The more time progressed, the more it became clear to me that I was trying to define a mirror.
In my mind, it seemed I posted an article on femininity but it ends up being on masculinity instead!
The more I looked into the core of woman, the more I saw the spirit of man. Women seem more like a touchstone, who streaks men and see if they are gold or not.
How many men had their lives transformed by not obtaining the love of a woman they wanted?
And they were transformed not in the sexual way, but into something more.
Almost every biography I've seen of world changing men always contain the fact that they fell in love with a woman and did not get her. Washington, Adams, Dante (he turns Beautrice into heaven in his immortal epic), Beethoven, practically all poets, practically all famous generals, etc.
It is as if these guys saw their own wimpish worthless reflections in the women they sought, and changed their ways.
I believe it was Kierkegaard who says, "It is true that behind every great man there is a woman. But it is always the woman he DID NOT marry."
Sappy poems , romantic comedies and valentine's day cards all be damned...they had led me astray for too long.I wanted to learn all that was clinically true about love, life and relationships.It was not enough to just learn everything about these subjects , but I had to chronicle my journey in my own way , so one day I in the future I could see that I too had spent too much time on frivolous feelings like love.
There were many things out there (and still are ) that matter much more than love .
But it's all our fault.We have placed Romanticism on a very high pedestal , far too high to reach anymore.
Everyone believes they are super special.
We've raised romanticism so much that its taken to be a personal and cultural panacea, a solve for everything.
But not one thing solves everything.
So people suffer the permanent disappointment of these excessive expectations. Twenty years of affection, caring, friendship, the small favors husbands and wives do for each other, is seen as 'boring' to many today.
But in my opinion, it is far more and greater than their stupid expectations. An obituary ought to be written. It'll be its tombstone when we bury this out of control romanticism for good.
Romanticism is an article of faith.
We know what it's stuffed with: love at first sight, the carriage of frolicking courtships, prancing couples, dialogue consisting of fanstastical banquets, violins and flutes, of ballroom weddings, chandeliers, strangled poetry that converts her every part into some bizzarre infinitude, and of happy homes flowing with enchanting music with kids, cars, garage, and dogs.
All in all, the fountain that bubbles this vaperous romanticism is the phrase: star-crossed.
Romanticism is not something considered to be 'controlled'. Rather, it seen as something to submit to.
This 'star-crossed' love is elevated to the esteemed level known as destiny!
And so this faith makes the man stuffed. These stuffed men float airily through the world.
Some pop to fall in the abyss... (and they wonder why suicide is at its highest rate for young men!).
Others just stuff themselves more and more so that no matter what is said to them, they are so stuffed that even the sharpest most blatant facts bounce against their rubbery infatuated shells. Some realized that they were stuffed and turned themselves inside out. These unfortunate few shrivel with bitterness and seek revenge with getting laid everywhere and anywhere. But the rest spew out this poison and recover into the Men they were.
Oh forgive me, Hallmark! If I am to doubt Romanticism, I may incur the wrath of all women.
But make no mistake: I war with Cupid. The way to victory is not to stab the infected with the truth... they pop and fall or increase their fantasy shell even more!
Therefore, let us hold up a mirror to the infected so they see all their maladies and so will cleanse themselves of this rot.
This hyped up romanticism can be traced to Rousseau. Disgusted with bourgeois love (he saw it as an empty emotional center of restrained, law-bound societies), he wanted to replace it with something more passionate. Before (especially in aristocracy), the passion of people was set for truth, honor, and power.
"This is dangerous," said the Rousseau. "It must be replaced with something else. Something that is just as absorbing.
" Therefore: "Love will now be the soul-saving experience!
How did Rousseau get to this?
His childhood as he describes: "To fall on my knees before a masterful mistress, to obey her commands, to have to beg for her forgiveness, have been to me the most delicate of pleasures.
" Thus, in love he is entirely passive; woman must make the first move.
Paglia says, "Rousseau ends the sexual scheme of the great chain of being, where male was sovereign over female... Rousseau feminizes the European male persona" and "gives the ideal man a womanlike sensitivity."
Ever since Rousseau, the culture has become increasingly romanticized.
Music revolves around 'love'.
The highest grossing movies are romantic 'epics' like Gone with the Wind and Titanic (where the ship sinking provides merely a backdrop for the 'priority' of the movie: the romance).
Hyped-Romanticism has ravaged religions; priests becoming 'servants of love' rather than pursuers and warriors of 'wisdom and truth'.
Politicians speak of how much 'love' they have and strive to make themselves 'lovable'.
Romanticism has gone beserk!
The Infection Many women march on through their life, stuffed with dreams of hyped-up romanticism. They are filled to the brim with excessive expectations. The high rate of divorce is not due to some moral collapse. It is due to this bizzare and absurd religion of romance. In many ways, romance is the FEMALE RELIGION.
'Anniversary' dates are their religious festivals. The bed becomes their altar, and sex becomes the holy sacrament.
For fun, I told the women, "Romance... True love... None of it exists."
And the women, nonsurprisingly, protested bitterly. But one thing that puzzled me was this one woman who told the me: "I'm never going to get married. Seems so boring."
I thought she would agree with this idea of romance not existing (which I do think DOES exist, but is misapplied to the point of absurdity).
Yet, she was one of the biggest protesters of it. I figured almost all young women wanted to get married (at least SOMETIME).
This one didn't yet was the BIGGEST believer in romance.
A contradiction? Perhaps. In any age past, her life would be scorned at.
It is this hyper-romanticism at work.
Without this 'romance', there would be no license for her life-long 'romance' outside of marriage. It is well known that if you get the women to think that 'you love them', she is well more likely to sleep with you. All the gifts and 'dates' the Average guy gives to get his sex are not some form of Neo-Prostitution; it is merely the exercise of this hyped up romanticism.
This explains why women, who have no desire for marriage, will be the BIGGEST believers in romance. Their religion of Romance grants license and prettifies their sometimes dangerous and reckless behavior.
Believe me , despite what all songs say ,love is NOT all you need.
So I became a cynic, a skeptic, almost a misanthrope.
Practical lessons are the best ones .All theory goes out of the window when it come to the real world.So I began experimenting with varoius theories.I've learnt a lot from them.
As a deconstructionist , I like to break down and analyse things.The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.The thrill is in finding the latent part that makes one whole , not just a sum of his own parts.So here goes another futile attempt:
Love is a complicated process. At the first hint of finding the perfect woman, men go into an excited,passionate obsession-- a feeling like floating on air, or speeding through a fascinating tunnel, with no need for food, drink, or rest. The men become blind to all imperfections in the women. They “put their partner on a pedestal” envisioning her as perfect. Their passion also makes the men's emotions extremely sensitive to the women. Minor words or deeds on the part of the women will produce euphoria or depression in the men.
Once a man establishes a stable relationship with a woman, things go “back to normal.” The man acts considerably less “romantic.” He has established his emotional security blanket so there seems to be no need for further action.
If, while the man is still in love, the woman rejects him, he will experience a painful and depressing heartbreak, and then fall bitterly out of love in about two years.(Its been two years now) If, while the man is in love, the woman moves away or is otherwise taken from him, the man will never truly fall out of love, and his grief may last for years. If the relationship lasts, then in about four years the man will naturally “fall out of love.” Then his hormonal levels will go back to normal, and the relationship will depend more on long-term mutual feelings than on “magic” or passion. That’s why people make public marriage vows- - to bolster the relationship, knowing that the feeling of being in love will one day fade.
Marriage is forever; it’s not just until the feeling is gone.
For women, on the other hand, love is a much more material and logical process. Based on height( a minimum of 5 ft 6 in. in caucasian dominated countries), status,physical attraction, and financial security, women select a partner from a batch of available suitors. Women do fall in love, but not to the same degree, not with the single minded obsession that men do. They hope that the partner will supply them with status within the community, enough material wealth for a reasonable standard of living, and support (usually financial) for the children. The women also seek control over the men, using intimacy as leverage, instead of controlling by physical power.
Personally I think men need to be more understanding of women; men need to share more of their power with women, instead of being macho, patronizing, overly chivalrous, and pedestalizing. On the other hand, I also think women need to understand that men are emotionally much more sensitive than women. Thus, it is much more humane
to be firm and break a man's heart early than to let him get his hopes up only to waste away in anguish or vindictiveness.
Because women control intimacy, they need to realize the extraordinary emotional power they have over men-- and that with this power comes a responsibility to steer men in the right direction.
The game of love is a lot more complicated than sex.
Do men only want one thing- - sex? No. If it were true that men only wanted one thing, then all men would be visiting prostitutes.
Do all women want one thing-- sex? If that were true then all women would be visiting gigolos. Men and *women are two completely different creatures that must come together in a relationship.
In The Canterbury Tales, (specifically “The Wife of Bath”) Chaucer implies that what women want is power over men. The reason why some girls at dance clubs dress in attractive outfits yet don't dance with anyone (instead, they reject all the men who ask) is because they like the feeling of power that goes along with beauty. They want to feel like princesses. The reason why my old friend Ms._ accepted gifts, dinner invitations, and theater dates from men whom she had no intention of ever loving was to stoke her ego, and to feed her curiosity. She never loved these guys; she saw them more like a fan club. After all, people shower celebrities with dinners and gifts, and the celebrities feel no obligation to give anything to their fans in return. And who knows? She was hoping some day she might actually meet someone interesting.
Girls want to be seen as nice. They are raised to be nice.The reason why many girls in dance clubs say, “Maybe later” when they actually mean, “no” is because they don't want to sound cruel. At the same time, men are seriously misled by these actions.
Girls want to feel secure. One reason why many girls treasure tall men is because they want to feel physically secure. One reason why beautiful young women go after ugly, old rich men is because they want to feel financially secure. One reason why high school girls fall in love with stereotypical jocks is because they want to feel socially secure; they want to lock themselves in a position of status.
The disproportionate amount of women in poor countries who fall in love with rich foreigners is probably due to a subconscious desire for physical, financial, and status security. Sometimes women are even willing to marry people they don't love, especially if the man is a good provider, and the women are aging.
Men, on the other hand, are obsessive, optimistic idealists. Traditionally, men have been raised on romance stories and movies, and every time they feel lonely, somebody is sure to advise them, “you need a girlfriend.”
Hormone driven, they spend a large portion of their young lives obsessed with female beauty and looking for somebody to fall in love with. They will spend, stalk and spy if they have to.
Their attraction to women is not only physical. It’s psychological; they want a beautiful woman to have faith in them. As children men could always go back to Mom for moral support when the going got rough, and as adults they believe that the perfect relationship will be a shelter from all problems and a support for all goals. As a result, the perfect wife, aside from being beautiful to satisfy physical cravings,is someone to come home to after battling the world. In addition to being pretty, the perfect wife is a “mommy figure,” who will lovingly steer their husband in the right direction, a direction which is good for the man, but too daunting for him to accomplish alone without emotional support from her.(I always told her that only she could save me)
An interesting side note to the “mommy figure” who lovingly steers them in the right direction is that men will love and respect any woman who acts this role, regardless of the relationship- - girlfriend, grandmother, friend, boss, employee, or wife. For example, a beautiful woman who is straightforward with a man during rejection and steers him in the right direction is respected unconditionally. But a beautiful woman who presents mixed signals is considered a “tease” and is disrespected.
In sum, men and women each want something out of a relationship; they each have their own agenda. Men have their “perfect object” and “mommy” complex. Women have the four criteria (height, social status, physical attraction, and security) in addition to the psychological baggage of always trying to appear kind, and the temptation to use intimacy for
control. These hidden needs drive our search for the perfect partner.
It’s very important to understand these needs, to know what’s going on in this game. If you’re a woman, you could be the nicest person in the world, but if you’re overweight, you’re not the “perfect object” men are looking for and may be treated cruelly. Or, you could be beautiful, but if you don’t know how to steer the men around you wisely, you’ll soon be disrespected and treated like an object or even hated by embittered, rejected men. If you’re a man,and you don’t have height, status, good looks, or money, you could end up lonely. In addition, women could unwittingly be playing cruel head games with you, by seeming “kind”and allowing you to do things for them that feed their own egos, with no intention of going out with you.
She seemed perfect in every way .Her imperfections didn't matter then.I wanted her to save me , from myself, like I always told her.Always.
The heartbreak was undramatic...with a simple sentence , she nudged me from a 'Potential Mate' to 'in your dreams , Mate! '.
It was a pre-emptive strike...much before I could do anything stupid and humiliate myself and her.
I hopelessly return to the same subject...over and over again.Its seems I'm powerless not to...
No.I haven't stopped grieving, and yes I'm still healing.
I dont love her anymore, I still respect her , but I also have lost my ability to fall in love with anyone .
I only hope that time proves me wrong.
Happy Valentine's Day Everyone....May you not be as tormented as I am.
