Mad Mad World

Its a mad mad world out there.

To be a part of it , you have to be mad as well.We all live in our own reality bubbles.We all suffer from tunnel vision where we see the closest approximation of our own realities.It is not the eyes that see lies but the mind's eye that conjures fantasies.

Its a mad mad world out there.

To function, you have to be insane to a degree as well.

I don't agree with the 'Fake it till you make it' dogma.This new age philosotainment is nothing but wishful thinking...where we are willingly hallucinating .Suppose you are a soldier stationed in Iraq (pronounced Eye-rack by yankees worldwide), and you have a deep gash across your chest thanks to an exploding shell, then thinking that you have no gash will not stop you from dying.Miracle stories abound everywhere tell you otherwise...but somewhere down the line you know that they are lying, that they have lied by omission or distortion.

Everything in this world is distorted by our perceptions.

Its a mad mad world out there and Its a crime not be mad as well.

(To all loners.)

You see the madness as it is.Which is why you choose to distance yourself.But that is madness too.Sometimes you don't understand it.The madness and the general blindness and the conspiratorial complicity bewilder you.

Here is a possible solution.

Immerse yourslef in the madness, if for no other reason but to simply understand it.Don't worry.You will retain your objectivity,You will retain your unfiltered vision.You will retain your loathing for the smoke and mirrors,all the bells and whistles.You will not be swept away by the madness.

But if you are,then who will know better? 

Its a Mirror Neuron Thing.

 I can't watch people kissing.

Especially when someone gets kissed in the neck.

It feels ticklish down my neck.

I immediately close my eyes and recite the multiplication tables of 13.

I'm very ticklish.My achilles heel is stupid.

Its a mirror neuron thing.

Best Intentions

Sometimes best intentions can fail us.

When you try to help someone with the best intentions in your heart, and it fails,then wait for the backlash.

They will blame you for trying to help.

Sometimes it feels like it isn't even worth it.

My relatives had a pet tortoise.In winters it gets really cold there...so I expalined the concept of cold blooded animals and their need to depend on external sources of heat.

They somehow interpreted it as 'Keep the tortoise out of water'

It died due to dehydration.

They blamed it on my advice.

I didn't ask them to abandon common sense.

Every animal needs water, especially aquatic ones.

Now, I'm just worried about another problem and its possible backlash.

I probably won't be asked this question but...

What are you wearing right now?

'Nothing', she said, and a naughty smile crept across her face when she imagined what he was doing as he was talking right now...

A short piece of fiction that makes sense,doesn't it?

I probably won't be asked this question but my answer is the same.

Nothing.

It's so frickin hot in mangalore, it is impossible to function with your clothes on.

Nelly's old song 'It's gettin hot in here' comes to mind.

So I've shed my clothes and my inhibitions, and I'm comfortably numb.(Pink Floyd Rocks!)

 

 

Undue Advantage

You probably ask your friends advice don't you?

But what if that advice pertains to the friends expertise...and usually they get paid for dispensing that advice?

Would you still do it?

Would you still do it in a non-professional setting?

Would you still do it in a casual setting knowing that they will not ask for remuneration?

Would you feel guilty?

I feel very guilty.It feels like I'm taking undue advantage of them.

But as friends who want the best for you and  have no monetary gain...they usually offer the best advice.I think.

What would you do if you saw Buddha today?

 

Clarification

I just want to clarify to my readers that I'm not writing about them...I've decided to keep what I write separate from my readers to whatever extent it is possible.

Although the themes and events might seem to echo with recent events in your life,my blog is not about you.

If it is about you, I will tell you about it.

So don't get pissed off at me.

 

Billu Barbarian

Rating:	★
Category:	Movies
Genre:	Comedy

Show me the Funny!

Let me confess...I'm not a fan of Priyadarshan's movies.So this review will be biased.
But tell me what isn't?
Billu Barber...Oh Wait! I might have upset a few hairstylists who charge ridiculous amount of moolah to snip at the hair tips.
Political Correctness has risen to the level of absurdity.
Billu can no longer be called a barber.It is derogatory...Hence the movie is rechristened 'Billu ke bak bak' or in many places simply 'Billu'

Show me the funny Mr.Priyadarshan.I expected a comedy.What I got was a bland movie with pointless sequences.

Yes! I agree.Sharuck Khan/Sahir Khan is a superstar.
He is perfect for the role,
But Mr.Priyadarshan, why do you have to hammer the point so repeatedly that I now suffer from blunt force trauma?
The helicopter sequence,the 3 pointless item songs, the in-your-face-unsubtle-loudness...why oh why do you have to shove sahir khan 's superstardom in our faces so often?I know Bollywood can afford to waste more money, but was that stupid space-man fight sequence really needed?

Billu is a story that is as old as Mahabharat itself , I'm told.
The story of Kuchela and Krishna, two friends -one rich and one poor, both who had the same humble beginnings and a rock solid friendship is being revisited by Billu and Sahir Khan.

Fortuity has no logic.When it shines, it does not decide.Such is movie (il)logic

In the story,Sahir Khan decides on a whim that they will shoot their movie in the sleepy village of Budbuda (U.P), where somehow Billu , his old friend lives now as an impoverished barber too proud (or too smart) for handouts.
Chaos ensues as people find out about the friendship between the humble Hair Artist and the super-duper-mega-star.
And that is the story,my friends.

Show me the funny , Mr.Priyadarshan.I was eagerly waiting for the funnies to roll in, for laughter to flow
...and I waited...

and I waited...

and I waited...

Arrgh!

This is getting frustrating!

The funniest sequence in this sad movie is when the inspector messes up his lines in all permutations and combinations.In all other places one is forced to laugh at people getting slapped in the head or billu's misfortune or billu getting insulted.
Rajpal yadav was nauseating as usual.Om puri was sleepwalking throughout, asrani needs to go back to his Angrezon-ki-zamane-ka-jailer act-Aha!
Lara Dutta is ok..Sharuck Khan and Irrfan Khan are good,especially in the very contrived tear-jerker climax...but the movie itself is so dull and dreary that you wish to run away from it.
Frankly speaking, a few gags and a bit of toilet humour would have done the movie some good.Even the classic all-out- Helter-Skelter Priyadarshan climax with all his cast embroiled in a huge mess is sorely missed.

The movie has no entertainment value and you should not waste your time watching it.(Go Ahead, watch it...Don't trust me!)

Crazy Communication

We're playing the waiting game.

I'm waiting for her to call.

And she's probably pissed off that I haven't called yet.

Well, the truth is, I took you literally.(when you said you'll call)

I'm new to these Unwritten Rules of Social Intercourse.

I just realized that the guy is always supposed to call.I'm a bit slow...it took me four days of waiting to realize that.

And I hate phones...I can call only after I build up a certain amount of momentum.I make easy calls first and gradually build momentum to make those difficult ones.

I now have to make up a good excuse for not calling all these days,which you and I both know is a lie.

Alcohol is not as good a social lubricant as a lie is.

Sure! 18:30 will be fine...I have nothing else to do anyways!

I love your taste in clothes...Its so refreshing!

I agree...This tastes much better than paneer Mughlai

What!? You like Pandit Chaurasia too?

Frankly...Its getting a bit tiring these days.

Dev D

Rating:	★★★★
Category:	Movies
Genre:	Comedy

Remember Anurag Kashyap?He does not make movies that pander to the lowest common denominator.He makes it for himself.
No Smoking was a high concept horror-comedy mess.It left movie goers nauseated.I frankly enjoyed the experience.
Dev D, is Abhay Deol's concept, but has Anurag Kashyap all over it.
A Modern reinterpretation of Sarat Chandra's Devdas has Abhay Deol playing Dev D(Devendra Dhillon), Mahie Gill playing Paro(Parminder) and Kalki Koechlin playing Lenis a.k.a Chanda.

What can I say.You will laugh at all the dark humour in the movie.Dev says in hindi what he meant in english 'Paro, Mein aaraha hoon' after looking at her 'bina kapdon wali' photo on his laptop.All the boys started laughing.One clueless girl sitting next to her boyfriend started asking what the joke actually meant and the dude was totally tongue tied and blabbering.Ha Ha! I wouldn't want to be in his place.


Dev D is a brilliant movie.Within the first few minutes it would have managed to grab your attentiion by its surreal screenplay and wacky dialogues.

The soundtrack is brilliant, especially the Indian Elvises and their Emotional Atyachar.
Abhay Deol is great...you will want to hate his character Dev D for his inherent self-destructiveness,Mahie shines as Paro,who instead of pining for her lover, quickly sizes up the situation and moves away.
Kalki...weird looking gori girl...sorry, but the accepted stereotypes are beautiful gori mems with prefereably long blonde locks and beak like nostrils.
Chunni played by Dibyendu Bhattacharya is starkly funny.
The movie incorporates new scandals like the MMS scandal and the Drunken Driving Accident scandal into the story as a way of reinventing the story.
All in all watch the movie...but if you are a prude, like one of my friends, you just might walk out mid way through the movie!

Are you a man or a mouse? (Check out hitler cat!)

Its downright humiliating when you are being taught lessons about Manhood by a woman.

Apparently apart from cockroaches I'm petrified of dead animals.

Strangely enough,dead people don't faze me.I have a morbid fascination with death in human beings.In fact I experience cognitive dissociation and dispassion.When I see a dead body My mind is immediately off the dead body and upon imponderables pertaining to the soul,karma and other heavenly concepts.

Overfed cats pose a significant problem in urban areas.

A cat is a cat is a cat.

And that is that. (sorry I have a compulsion to make words rhyme, often for no reason)

No one or nothing can change their feline nature.Their keenly honed senses and instincts cannot be denied.Their feral nature cannot be denied.Even when fed, they have to hunt simply for the thrill of the hunt itself.

Our cats usually bring in dead mice and rats and on one occasion a dead bat!

Remember Hitler Cat?

 

Yeah! All cats are Hitler cats...

What I mean to say is, all cats are sadistic in nature.Believe me, I've had 8 cats so far.

My cats usually bring a mouse half-dead and then toy with it till death.Chubby, one of my cats,is usually the one with the brightest disposition amongst all,but when she catches something, then she gets transformed into a bloodthirsty monster!

The torture has to be made into a spectacle.She will wait with the half dead victim until we arrive and then she will lead us towards it.What happens next is a very grim danse macabre.She will repeatedly toy around with the captive and inflict just enough pain to keep it alive, and then finally when bored, simply eat its head(so that its really dead?), crunching and munching all the way leaving the rest of the body to us.

You should witness the twinkle in her eyes when she has caught something.She is proud, and she wants to show it.She usually stashes her victim in some prominent part of the house where it is easy to be found and then she'll lead us there.She has left dead mice on my bed,the kitchen table,the living room sofa and on every carpet of the house.

Of course, I cry for Mommy every time,

I'm scared of the mangled bodies, the headless corpses of rats and mice and other dead creatures.Stephen King's 'Pet Sematary' comes to mind.                                                What if the apparently dead mouse springs back alive for one last hurrah with yours truly?

Brrr!

Today, I found another dead mouse...but Mommy wouldn't help.She said that it was time I became a man.

I tried to explain genetics...Mom...an 'x' chromosome and a 'y' chromosome combines and results in a man...and then cultural and gender stereotypes are imposed unfairly on the child during vital stages of development and the child's true potential is lost...OH MOMMY MOMMY I DON'T WANNA DO IT...PLEASE MOMMY...PLEASE!

Nope! Didn't work.I can't melt her heart like I used to when I was ten.

Since it was in my room , I had to clean the mess...she said

...like a man, she added at the end.

Yes I did it.

It was scary but I threw the mouse out after poking it several times to confirm its death.

I was a man.

Yay! (is it manly to say Yay?)

But minutes later  I was screaming like a girl when Chubby carried the same dead mouse inside the house once again.

Its ok to say No.

Really.

It is ok.

Sometimes you have to say NO to people...when you are tired,when you are sick,when you don't feel like it,when you are busy and when you don't want to go any further.

What I feel is not important.

To you, You are more important.

Learn to be selfish with your personal time.You don't need to be a people pleaser.Your life is not a popularity contest.

Life will become hell if you decide to make it a popularity contest.

I realize now that  I cornered you into making a commitment.I should have given you an option to walk out...

I may have gotten angry if you'd have said NO, but that is really unimportant.People get angry at others for the silliest of the reasons...I've been angry at people for the silliest of the reasons.Anger is an ego thing.You bruise the ego, the ego will then retaliate by flashing anger.Then the ego will justify it.The ego can justify many unfair things.Anger is one of them.

You have my permission to say NO.

Now all You  have to do is give yourself the permission.

Valkyrie

Rating:	★★★
Category:	Movies
Genre:	Drama

If you know me, you'll know that I don't write movie reviews in the strictest sense.The review is only a smokescreen for me to slip in a few of my philosophies.

Now wikipedia tells me that a valkyrie in norse mythology is one of a host of female figures who choose those who die in battle. The valkyries bring their chosen who have died bravely in battle to the afterlife hall of the slain, Valhalla, ruled over by the god Odin, where the deceased warriors become einherjar. There, when the einherjar are not preparing for the events of Ragnarök, the valkyries bear them mead. Valkyries also appear as lovers of heroes and other mortals, where they are sometimes described as the daughters of royalty, sometimes accompanied by ravens, and sometimes connected to swans.

When you watch the movie, you will also remember that Die Walküre (The Valkyrie) is the second of the four operas that comprise Der Ring des Nibelungen (The Ring of the Nibelung), by Richard Wagner. It is the source of the famous piece Ride of the Valkyries.You've probably heard it many times in your childhood, while watching cartoons or war movies even without realizing it.

In the movie, Valkyrie is an operation where Hitler's own Reserve Army is deceptively used against the him.

Moving on with the review...It is a movie where Cruise plays Col. Claus von Stauffenberg, a Good German famous to his countrymen for his resistance to the Nazi mandate. Trained as a loyal soldier, the well-bred officer's disgust at his Führer's leadership deepened following severe wounds suffered during battle in Tunisia, where he lost a hand and an eye. And the assassination plan and subsequent government transition that Stauffenberg devised, with help from a network of dissident army officers and political leaders, was an audacious blend of suspenseful daring and wonkish political strategy.

History confirms, of course, that the July 20, 1944, operation failed when a bomb planted in Hitler's presence did too little damage; the Nazi leader survived with minor scratches, army loyalists quelled the coup, and Stauffenberg suffered the consequences, along with scores of others.

History has always shown us that we crave for strong leaders.Not necessarily right or wrong, but simply strong.
If a leader is strong, he will lead his men to death and beyond...Alexander,Napoleon,Hitler...they epitomised strength and conviction.They could sway entire masses by the sheer force of their will and conviction.People would gladly give their life for them.

Ultimately, it was Hitler's demonic charisma that caused the defeat of operation Valkyrie.

The movie moves you.You earnestly wish that Col. Claus von Stauffenberg be successful in his endeavours,even though you know that is not possible.If you know WW2 history, you will know right from the beginning that the good colonel is bound to lose.
It is not fate that determines the outcome of the movie, but history.

The ensemble cast is terrific, although I wish the British actors would have lost their British Accents.
Tom Cruise received a lot of flak for following scientology while playing the role of the good colonel, but is as usual good.I wish that the characters were a bit more developed than being so one-dimensional.
Bryan Singer's credentials and previous movies were played up more than usual to counter all the negative publicity Tom Cruise gave it...but I guess the movie is worth watching once.

Which brings me to the question...What Is History?
What qualifies as history?

I cringed at the fact that Mangal Pandey was being telecast on the history channel.Ketan Mehta's mangal Pandey is rife with errors and wild guesses.
Would that qualify as history?
The answer is clear.History basically turns into fiction given enough time and more often than not, fiction becomes a part of the history.
This is the process of myth making.
This is how gods are born.
This is how mere mortals rise as demigods.
This is how one attains immortality.

And maybe someday Valkyrie too would be showcased on the History Channel

The Girl from Yesterday

Lyrics | Eagles lyrics - The Girl From Yesterday lyrics

Its a Boy!

I got my haircut yesterday after being pestered by mom for a whole week.

I was trying for the Farhan Akthar's pre-interval 'Rock On' look , but mom hates long curly hair...

So I'm back after the haircut and she asks whether I've gotten my eyebrows done too, because they look symmetrical and neat...So I tell her that I had my eybrows done, got a manicure and pedicure , and she gives me the look....you know the strange 'Are ya crazy?' look..

'Mom'! I say, ' I'm joking mom!'

I went to a barber...He doesn't do eyebrows.He chops off hair and then gives you a shave if you want one.That's all...and why would I do my eyebrows...are ya crazy?'

Years ago, when the nurse told mom 'It's a Boy! ' , she chose to forget it ....

Mom , I'm a boy...Male...Non-Metrosexual male.

Please remember that.

Reality Check

I'm not as bad as I think I am.

I'm not as good as I think I am either.

Baz Luhrmann-Everybody's free to wear sunscreen

Clipper Sun Pics

Women Decoded !

Read your woman like a book!
Lol!

Dyscalculia

Dyscalculia is a specific learning disability in mathematics. Dyscalculia is a word you use to describe when people have significant problems with numbers - but still have a normal or above normal IQ. It seems that no dyscalculic has problems with math alone, but also struggle with problems being able to learn to tell time, left/right orientation, rules in games and much more. See the list of symptoms. Also, there are more types of dyscalculia, and all types demand specific learning methods aimed at the specific problem.

Is Dyscalculia Real?
Dyscalculics say it is. Teachers say it is. WHO and DSM say it is.

Dammit, I was not lazy or stupid...I simply couldn't.


How Common Is Dyscalculia?
According to UK studies done by Gross-Tsur, Manor and Shalev in 1996, 6.5% are dyscalculic. According to studies done by Lewis, Hitch and Walker in 1994, 1.3% are dyscalculic while 2.3% are dyscalculic AND dyslexic - that means that according to this study 3.6% of the World's population are dyscalculic.

That gives a total of between 3.6 and 6.5% of the World's population. And again: That means, according to these two studies, that between 216.000.000 (two hundred and sixteen million) and 390.000.000 (three hundred and ninety million) people are dyscalculic - if we say that there are 600.000.000.000 (six billion) people in the world. No international study has been done on how common it is.

I'm glad I know now.

I need others to know it too.

For more info visit: http://dyscalculiaforum.com/news.php

Incisors are your Friends

Hello kiddies!

Let me tell you a story.It's about incisors.Yours,mine and everyone Else's.

Incisors are your friends.Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I realized it once I lost them.

Without my incisors, life was suddenly not so colourful, not so wonderful.

I could no longer bite onto an apple,flash my 1000 watt smile or even talk properly.

Yes,Incisors help you enunciate clearly.Without them I can no longer speak clearly.My sibilants suck and my fricatives are all f*cked up.

I was never afraid of dentists.In fact many dentists are my good friends.

There is a good reason for that.My dad had more stringent rules than Willy Wonka's.

I never got to eat chocolates till I was five.These days I have to ask for his permission before I eat one.No I didn't end up running away or befriending oompa-loompas or building a psychedelic chocolate factory.

I ended up never visiting a dentist.

Now things have changed.I have to go to the dentist regularly, and get painful procedures done such as root canals and what-nots.I'm still not afraid.

But kiddies, I'm now a social pariah.Or at least I feel that way.

I feel embarassed to go out.I feel embarassed to talk to people, to smile, to look them in the eye.

I'm so embarrassed that no one knows I'm back home.

I don't have the courage to face my friends.

I have good friends.I know that.

I also know that they will not judge me solely based on my looks.(Boy! If they ever did, I'd end up with no friends at all)

I've got great friends.One of them called up just to ask me how I was doing.She was concerned.

It felt real nice, because she didn't know that I was back, but she still tried.

Hey , who needs incisors when you've got friends like these!

 

Have You Told Her How You Feel?

Have you told her how you feel ?

I hate this question.
The answer is
No.

I haven't told her how I feel.

I don't trust my feelings.

Why is it so important that I have to tell her my feelings ?
Isn't it  too early ?
Or Is it too late ?

Will somebody tell me?

I dont trust the volatility of my feelings(or hers).

Sometimes I'm a lusty animal,
and sometimes I feel like worshipping her.
Sometimes I hate her,
and sometimes I just don't care.

There's a constant circus in my pants.
but that's just my head playing mind games with me.

So , have I told her how I feel ?

No.

Not really.

Frankly speaking, I don't know how I feel.

 

Don't ask me why I don't smile or talk these days.

I'm coming home.

I think.



I had a nasty fall today.

I fell face first.

I think.


A total blackout after which I realized that.

I had broken both my incisors.

Had to be rushed to the doctor.

Who shook his head and sent me to the dentist.

Who yanked out both my front teeth.

She had exceptionally strong forearms.

Her kids were inside the clinic hovering around the chair and peering curiously.

My driver told me that I looked like Dracula.

I hissed at him and said 'I weel dreenk your blaad'

He laughed and clapped his hands in glee.

I look hideous.

I took my extracted teeth in a plastic bag  to be kept as mementos.

I guess my new year's resolution of getting a girlfriend will not be unfulfilled this year.

But I'm coming home.

With a few missing teeth.

Now Don't ask me why I don't smile or talk these days.

This is why.

Valentine Rant

I hate februarys...

Just like garfield hates mondays,like calvin hates rosalyn...Well you get
the picture.

It's good to be on the ship.

There's no pressure on me to express my feelings...

I thought I'll begin feb by watching Rab De Banadi Jodi...

I sucks.

I don't know how you even liked it!

Or why?



This is a movie that I watched entirely in fast forward.

Lets get out the rant.



What The Fuchsia ?



Is the scriptwriter braindead? Is the audience stupid?



Is the heroine blind?

Can't she even recognise her own husband when he shaves off his mushtache?

Is the hero a masochist?



Are we the audience Masochists?



Story:(with a finger firmly placed on the FF button)



The hero apologises to the guests for his wife's absence...



SKIPFASTFORWARD...



The hero gets his mush shaved and screams like Macaulay Culkin ...AAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAH!...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



The hero looks like sharuck khan with a KKHH hangover...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



The hero miraculously becomes the dance partner of the heroine, who does not
recognise that it is actually her dorky husband with no facial hair and very
very tight garish clothes.How in the world did they meet again as strangers?
Perhaps it was fate,destiny...even love.At this point I control my urge to
puke...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



Bike ride in the rain.

'Aapka dil chahta hain ki uska dard kam ho jaaye'

BARF!...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



Golgappa competition...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



Bike race...WTF??? Why is Yashraj trying to claim lost glory with Dhoom
Spoofs?...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP



Yeh Maacho Kya hain Ji?...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



Ek ladki aakhir chahti kya hain?...I'm glued to the seat, I don't dare to
skip, and what do I get? Pure BullShit.



Ek ladki sirf itna hi chahti hain ke woh usse itna pyaar kare jitna kisine
kisise na kiya ho'



Dude, girls are selfish!She wants to hog all your love...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP..



Song sequence in a bike in a mustard  field...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP x 10



Raj uses entire Amritsar to express his love to Dhaani, and then tells her
that he loves her like a friend only...STUPIDIDIOTNINCOMPOOP...if you are
just a friend, don't ever ever do that mistake...she'll suspect you
forever(even if you were telling the truth)...Trust me.



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



Silly sumo fight and a sardar wearing a kimono...Yes , now this is
confirmed to be a bollywood movie!

Mr.Dork wins against the sumo, but makes dhaani cry.Waaah!...My friend is
right.All women are crazy.



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



Aap kuch chahen bina mujhe pyaar kaise kar sakte hain?...



SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



Baagh jayiye mere saath....Aaj raat hamari amritsar mein aakhri raat
hogi.Tan Tana!



Grand Finale!

Yes, it ends with a dance!But the dork comes instead of Raj! Yay !Its a
dance of where all secrets are revealed! It has Flashbacks!It has unfocussed visuals and
voiceovers!It has flashy moves!And I hate it!...

SKIPFASTFORWARDSKIP...



It's a happy ending ! Yay !

I'm barfing all the way!



Rab ne banadi hogi yeh jodi, but kis gadhe ne yeh banayi yeh movie?



Also watched Aryan,Jodhaa Akbar and namastey london which crammed into 49
min in a DVD.

Viva La pirated dvd !