The Greatest Dysfunctional Family In the World (and yet we love them )

IN THE SPIRIT OF THE CARTOON THE SIMPSONS, IN WHICH most of society's rules get bent if not broken, we're chucking out all thought of privacy legislation and publishing psychiatric case notes for the Simpson family.

A few years ago, Springfield psychiatrist Dr. Marvin Munro met the Simpsons for a stint of family therapy that he guaranteed would work or "double your money back!" The session ended with Dr. Munro running the Simpsons out of his office. After years of therapy with his psychoanalyst, Dr. Munro decided to finally dictate his diagnoses of the Simpsons in a symbolic attempt to get them out of his mind.

Homer Simpson

Axis I: Alcohol Dependency, Nicotine Dependency, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder *, Tic Disorder NOS (DOH syndrome), Eating Disorder NOS (binge without purge) Parent-Child Relational Problem (Strangle-Bart Syndrome r/o physical abuse of child) Axis II: r/o Borderline Intellectual Functioning

Axis III: Ischemic Heart Disease, numerous head injuries with loss of consciousness

Axis IV: Chronic occupational, financial, familial, spiritual ...

Axis V: 65

* In latency age childhood, found a dead body in a sewer pipe, which resulted in repressed memories and avoidance of triggering settings.

Marge Simpson

Axis I: Pathological Gambling (in remission), prior Situational-Type Phobia (fear of airplanes and steward(esses) *, Tic Disorder NOS (Hrrmmmm Disorder)

Axis II: Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder traits

Axis III: Stiff hair (? genetic abnormality expressed onset due to stress of marriage to Homer)

Axis IV: Marital concerns, family concerns, financial stress ...

Axis V: 70

* Resulted from finding out her father was a male flight steward rather than a pilot. Treated with a course of psychodynamic psychotherapy.

Bart Simpson

Axis I: Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder combined type, Conduct Disorder, Tic Disorder NOS (Aye Karumba Syndrome), Parent-Child Relational Problem, Sibling Relational Problem

Axis II: deferred due to age

Axis III: Numerous brain insults due to strangulation by father, numerous head injuries with loss of consciousness

Axis IV: Bullying at school, financial stress, school difficulties ...

Axis V: 68

NB: Enjoys sensation-seeking. Unclear whether "Eat my shorts" repetitive comments are another form of tic or part of conduct disorder.

Lisa Simpson

Axis I: Sibling Relational Problem, academic problem (over-achiever/ gifted) *

Axis II: deferred due to age **

Axis III: Stubby fingers ***

Axis IV: Bullying at school, financial stress

Axis V: 73

* Often runs into psychosocial difficulties due to advanced intellectual gifts and not gauging their effect. Being the smart kid may have manifested in anxiety symptoms, although she has never manifested social anxiety.

** Lisa seems to have had many adjustment disorders with mixed mood, anxiety and conduct disorder due to various stresses (including turning "criminal" after the results of a career test).

*** This abnormality resulted in an adjustment disorder where Lisa felt she could not play the saxophone to the level she wished.

Maggie Simpson

Axis I: r/o Selective Mutism *, Tic Disorder NOS (suck-suck-suck) r/o possible Child or Adolescent Antisocial Behaviour**

Axis II: deferred due to age

Axis III: possibly has alien DNA ***

Axis IV: Living with the other family members

Axis V: 75

* She can say "daddy" but never in public. In a flash-forward to the future, at Lisa's almost-wedding, Maggie never said a word.

** She shot Mr. Burns!!!

*** At least in one alternate reality, her father may have been Kudos, the one-eyed, drooling, laughing xenomorph from space.

Dr. Munro's licence was temporally suspended when colleagues realized he was practising pet psychotherapy without any evidence of competency. He attempted diagnosing Santa's Little Helper (the Simpsons' dog) with Communication Disorder NOS and Pica (eating non-food items). He also diagnosed Snowball VIII (the cat) with catatonia when in fact it had been run over by a vehicle and was dead.

Dr. Bruce Ballon is HEAD OF YOUTH ADDICTION SERVICES AT THE CENTRE FOR ADDICTION AND MENTAL HEALTH IN TORONTO