Welcome to my World, welcome to my parlour

Here's a lie that will cheer you up...You're single only because of your  insanely high standards that no  person can possibly match.

Yeah...right.

Please keep saying that to yourself.

It takes the edge off being lonely.

But don't worry...you are not alone...(snicker)...millions more are alone just like you.

But relax.

 Here's a great myth that everyone, amazingly, believes: that everyone else is happy, having fun, living life, and you, all alone, are miserable. That everyone is out there, having amazing glorious sex, while you must content yourself with internet porn. 

        This isn’t true. Most people are in the exact same spot as you are. And those ‘glorious unions’ you see everywhere? Most of them are simply scared of being alone, so they go off and grab the nearest available person. The others are 'lying' together with vanity. 

        The big secret is that happy people aren’t as happy as they appear. Many happy people are actually covering up their real problems. But what do you do? You see one of these ‘happy’ people and then you get unhappy at them! You make yourselves miserable as you arrow nasty thoughts from your mind at them, and they don’t even know you. 

            You think, “It must be nice to be happy. They were born to the right parents, to the right environment. I wish I was like them. I wish I grew up where they did.” You think, “I have all these great qualities about myself. Why can’t someone see it?” Well, no one sees it because they are too worried about themselves.People are not ignoring you; they too are worried about themselves.

I say this because I used to know this girl, who appeared deliriously happy all the time, whenever I was there.

I later came to know that it was an act she used to put up for me.

(Why? I don't know)

She'd break down and crumble as soon as I left.Apparently, she confessed later, that it took a lot of effort and energy to keep up the act.

The strange thing was she wasn't doing this to impress me.

She didn't even like me in the first place.

Her world was a lie.

SO WHAT?

I've changed a lot.

Once upon a time, I was so busy caught up in playing the role of misunderstood loner that I forgot that it was just a role, a make believe persona.

I was caught up in the web of my world, the world of my construct, and no one else was allowed in.

It caused many misunderstandings.People thought I was stuck up...one person even told me that I was arrogant.

I was not.

I was only masking my shyness the best way I could.

People tell me I've changed each time I meet them.

Apparently, people try to define everyone else they meet.We do it all the time.

 We try to place people in nicely cut slots to mark where they go. 

Most people are static. A year from now, they will probably look the same, act the same, and be the same. But if you are in a state of flux, easily done through a self-improvement (or self-discovery if you will), every slot they try to stick you in will fail.

This is what one girl told me.

She told me that I elude definition.

She tried to put me in a slot and I wouldn't fit there, rather I'd seem to fit there only at certain times and not always...she told me that she eventually gave up.

BTW, she likes me...I mean I've seen girls, and I've seen her...she's the only one who willingly spends a lot of money on international calls.That's right she calls me.

A lot.

Interestingly she has a boyfriend.(or HAD...as she sometimes tells me...I don't know when she's telling the truth any more, and I don't care)

I don't understand her.

But I've stopped trying to understand women.

To me understanding women was a competition based on a fallacy.

A fallacy that women understand men.

A fallacy that women have a better understanding of people all the time.

What a crock of bullshit!

A girl scoffed at me once.

She said men can never understand women the way women understand men.

She told me that she understood men very well.Her tone was sarcastic and bitter.

Remember this.When a woman tells you that she understands men,she's telling you that she understands how to manipulate them.

She was a beautiful girl once, and I assume had many  men after her,but I bet that to her surprise she failed!

 She failed miserably in attracting a man she fell in love with. I suspect she fell in love with him in the first place because she could not get his attention.That drove her vanity to the edge and she fell in love.

(I confirmed it later...she did fall in love with an older man who acted as if she did not exist)

She woke me up.

Or rather her shattered self worth and self confidence woke me up.

If she , who claimed to know all men could fail, then she knew nothing.

I no longer believe that either sexes know anything about each other.

At least not in the way they want to.

These days I'm no longer worried about what people think about me.

You've read my posts...Do you think I would have written what I have if I was afraid of people?

If I've said that I have changed a lot that would be a lie too.

My core, my essence has not changed much.

I still inhabit a world of my own... for it is of my own construct and liking.The only difference is I let more people into my world.I let them decide.

For example, I tell I show people what I write...because what I write is reality-revised and rewritten...it is my world, reconstructed.

I let them explore my world and let them decide whether to immerse themselves more  or simply disengage.

But If they want to enter my world,then it would be at my terms...for my world is my sanctuary, my safe haven, it is hallowed grounds, and meant to be treated that way.

I like to engage people in my world...I call all my friends to my home...meet my family,see my place,get a feel of it, and enter my world. 

But I'm selfish.I demand equality.Other worlds and elsewheres are interesting.

So the principle of Quid Pro Quo applies.

I show you mine, you show me yours...so as to speak.

Most of my friendships have broken because of inequality.

So with that I invite you officially...

Welcome to my world...welcome to my parlour...take a look around......feel free to browse...but no touching the merchandise...and if you break it , you buy it...and I'll let you know when the closing time is...and if I like you, you might just get to stay a little longer.

Thank You.

Come Again.

Great Expectations

There is no humanly comprehensible absolute truth out there, only differing viewpoints and theories.

 

George Carlin had his take and Scott Adams has his own. 

No matter how tongue-in-cheek or scientifically grounded something is it can never be the entire truth, but only a simplified model of reality.

It is a good model of reality only if it is of any use to you, if you can successfully apply it. Only you can decide whether anything is a good model.

 

So here we go again...From Scott Adams.

 

"Women believe that men are, in a sense, defective versions of women; Men believe that women are defective versions of men.

 (Although I don’t believe that either is defective)

 

Both genders are trapped in a delusion that their personal viewpoints are universal.

 

That viewpoint—that each gender is a defective version of the other—is the root of all misunderstandings.

 

Women define themselves by their relationships and men define themselves by whom they are helping.

Women believe value is created by sacrifice. If you are willing to give up your favorite activities to be with her, she will trust you.

 

If being with her is too easy for you, she will not trust you. You can accomplish your sacrifices symbolically at first, by leaving work early to buy flowers, canceling your softball game to make a date, that sort of thing.

 

Why does it seem like the rich and famous guys get all the women?

It is partly because the rich and famous are capable of making larger sacrifices. The average man might be sacrificing a night of television to be with a woman. The rich and famous man could be sacrificing a week in Tahiti. There is much to be said about the attraction of power and confidence exuded by a rich and powerful man, but capacity for sacrifice is the most important thing.

 

(I may not be rich or famous but Oh! I’ve sacrificed a lot- a lot of time and effort ...even money! More that I’d ever admit. But it was only because I believed she was worth every bit of it. 

I’d be ashamed if I did it for myself,if I had selfish reasons, but honestly I did it for her.)

 

Men believe value is created by accomplishment, and they have objectives for the women in their lives. If a woman meets the objectives, he assumes she loves him. If she fails to meet the objectives, he will assume she does not love him. The man assumes that if the woman loved him she would have tried harder and he always believes his objectives for her are reasonable.

 

What objectives?

The objectives are different for each man. Men rarely share these objectives because doing so is a recipe for disaster.

 

(Elsewhere in my blog I have used the term expectations instead of objectives. They both mean the same in the given context.  

Unfulfilled  or broken expectations (objectives), in my opinion, cause most of the heartbreaks. I may have been guilty of thinking that my expectations could be easily met by her, because others have met it often without much effort and often without my wanting or asking)

 

No woman would tolerate being given a set of goals.

 

(I know that because I've tried that. Never give a woman a list of things that you expect from her.She'll find it demeaning.

 Scott Adams tells you that women wouldn't tolerate it.

Of course that's true...Once you have told her…then...It is the loss of innocence…it is finally facing the naked truth …that things could have been better…but once acknowledged the knowledge hangs prominently like an ugly stain –an ugly stain of truth…which we all had pretended that it did not exist in the first place. There is a saying in Sanskrit which goes “Say the truth, or say what is sweet to hear. Do not say the truth that is bitter to swallow.”)

 

So what should a guy do if the woman in his life doesn’t meet these secret objectives? How can he get her to change?

 

He can’t.(Deep resounding evil maniacal laughter)

 

People don’t change to meet the objectives of other people. Men can be molded in small ways—clothing and haircuts and manners—because those things are not important to most men. Women can’t be changed at all!   

(Is Scott Adams implying that women value their individuality more than men? BUT I'm so glad to know that! It means that I don't have to wait anymore; because I know people are incapable of change .

Not just women, even Men cannot be changed where it matters to them.Try to make a chain smoker quit smoking and you’ll know)

 

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations!

 

(At the end of the day, I’d choose someone with whom I can comfortably talk to for hours than a beautiful yet dumb bimbo who'd make me yawn after five minutes. in it for the long term.After years, beauty may fade, but the comfort factor can only increase between two people. I want to get old comfortably but not bored.)

 

Kenton Knepper, a world famous mentalist writes "There is a main difference between the way men and women face life: Men choose, but women decide.

Men concentrate on options. Women focus on the act of actually deciding. Since the role of men in society has been primarily the same, the role of a provider, men tend to walk straight paths, even when there is doubt or failure. Women face now the possibility of becoming providers and by doing so they usually reject their traditional role as mothers and supporters of men.

When men choose, they are choosing between one option and the other one, in a forward motion. Women always have the feeling of being forced to decide a completely different path in each choice, not options on the path. This generates a lot of tension and worry. Contemporary women are often wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Different from men, that "other side of the fence" is not another job or venture, but an entirely different way of life.

Women also tend to feel that they give too much and that their partners do not always reciprocate their investment. This is especially true in matters of communication and emotion.

 

And back to Scott Adams…

 

A woman needs to be told that you would sacrifice anything for her. A man needs to be told he is being useful. 

(It’s true…the worst you can make any man feel is to make him feel inconsequential.I remember a scene from the movie Young Victoria, where Prince Albert makes an earnest confession when he says “I wish to be of use to you”. 

That is how men show they love you…by being useful to you. Young Queen Victoria replies that she understands ,but not yet. Here they are candid about it and understand each other)

 

When the man or woman strays from that formula, the other loses trust. When trust is lost, communication falls apart.

Without trust, you can communicate only trivial things. If you try to communicate something important without a foundation of trust, you will be suspected of having a secret agenda. Your words will be analyzed for hidden meaning and your simple message will be clouded by suspicions.

 

How can I be more trusted?

You should lie about your talents and accomplishments, describing your victories in dismissive terms as if they were the result of luck. And you should exaggerate your flaws.

(I believe that being able to lie to a certain extent is necessary for a good relationship, especially if it is about not hurting them with insensitive honesty….No honey, you look fabulous in that dress, Of course , you can repair that engine all by yourself, No son…you are not a weirdo)

 

Isn't’t it better to be honest?

Honesty is like food. Both are necessary, but too much of either creates discomfort. When you downplay your accomplishments, you make people feel better about their own accomplishments. It is dishonest, but it is kind.

 

(My friend does that. He is incredibly talented and has accomplished a lot when you compare him to the rest of his peers. Yet no one is ever jealous of him. In all my years, I would be at awe at his towering intellect and genius, but never even once was jealous of him. He never allowed it to happen! He would constantly attribute his successes to luck than his efforts. He is kind and considerate in that way that he doesn’t rub his success in our collective faces. In many ways, I'm proud to have him as my friend and value his opinions.)

 

What about small talk?

You think casual conversation is a waste of time. Your problem is that you view conversation as a way to exchange information.

Conversation is more than the sum of the words. It is also a way of signaling the importance of another person by showing your willingness to give that person your rarest resource: time. It is a way of conveying respect. Conversation reminds us that we are part of a greater whole, connected in some way that transcends duty or bloodline or commerce.

Conversation can be many things, but it can never be useless.

 

(I always remember what Raknax wrote. He nailed it on the head when he wrote “Conversation is the King”. I remember that reading it made me think that I should have friends like him.)

 

A few other ingredients for successful social living:

Express gratitude. (Check)

Give more than is expected 

(I always give more than I receive. Why? Volume! Volume! Volume! )

Speak optimistically (check). 

Touch people (ok, this will be hard. I’m a little touchy on that issue). 

Remember names (check).

Don’t confuse flexibility with weakness

(This ones hard.When does flexibility become weakness? Is bending backwards a sign of flexibility or a weak spine?).

Don’t judge people by their mistakes; rather, judge them by how they respond to their mistakes (Ok, I’ll wait and watch).

Remember that your physical appearance is for the benefit of others (check).

Attend to your own basic needs first; otherwise you will not be useful to anyone else. (Check)

 

-heavily paraphrased from Scott Adams’  ‘God’s Debris’.

(Finally I’d like to add that I don’t want anyone to be compelled to fall in love with me, just because I love her.

It doesn’t matter whether I’ve loved you for 7 years or seventy.

 If you don’t love me, IT’S OK. 

It was just something that was not meant to be.

Who knows…maybe by not falling in love with me, you might have done me a favour.

I don’t want anyone to fall in love with me because I’ve blackmailed her…or because she’s the only one I’ve ever loved. Love is sometimes a one-way street.)

Shall We Dance?

Some stories have to be told many a times to others before you finally tell them to yourselves.
This is one of those.

Male bonding is funny..We guys do some really girly stuff when we think no one is watching.

In one ship,my friend and I used to bond in ways we wouldn't acknowledge publicly.

Yes I'm ashamed to admit it, but we watched Rom-coms and chick flicks together.

(They are easy on the brain and it doesn't matter if you follow the plot or storyline and as such are excellent at the end of a tiring day)

                           One of our favourite movies was 'Shall We Dance', starring Richard Gere and Jennifer Lo-Pants(Lopez) and the ever beautiful Susan Sarandon.(I'm not overlooking very memorable performances by Stanley Tucci and Bobby Cannavale, whose histrionics were more entertaining than that of the rest of the cast)

                   Much as I hate to admit it, it was my fantasy to actually go through the same experiences, to stumble and learn how to dance,and magically undergo a life altering transformation and become a Dancing God!  (I'm stumbling a lot)

I'm told Men who dance well are considered sexy, desirable or gay.
Hey I'd like to be sexy and desirable and happy too !   (just not gay)

But there was a problem...my own past.
Once as a kid, I took dancing lessons...but just one class.

My body did not listen to me.I couldn't do a single step my instructor taught me.The longer I was in the class, the more ashamed I felt about myself .

Humiliated and Disgusted at myself, I quit, never to return.

Years later,when I took Public Speaking lessons ,one of my shortcomings that everyone pointed out was my stiff and mechanical body .My nickname was 'The Soldier !

Attention !

Stand Hut!

The solution offered by my teacher was ...yes you guessed right...Dance Lessons!

It was Nietzsche who said "What I am not,that for me is God and virtue'

I surround myself with friends who are better than me (yes you too!), for you have something in you that I admire and aspire to be.

           Similarly I have a cousin who is gifted with the ability to dance...I'm fond of her,and admire her for what she could and I lacked.I used to listen to her talk about dancing and her love for the art with rapt attention.(I must confess;I couldn't understand much of what she said, but was endlessly fascinated)

In my mind, my biggest weakness was my inability to coordinate my body in a graceful manner.

So when I found that my friend had joined a dance class,I decided to join myself...after all misery loves company.(my friend professed to be equally bad at dancing)

But what if I was a miserable failure like before?

What if I disgusted myself once again?

What if I make a fool of myself?

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread"

                     As always, I go by the following adage...and I wouldn't want to rush in like a fool without actually knowing what I was getting into.

Thanks to the internet, I found a few videos and tutorials that supposedly would aid me in some way.

Here is my favourite one...

 

and another...

Boy,Was I wrong!

                Videos cannot substitute real live tutors and active feedback...also, the dancers in the video were too good and their natural ease and comfort made me depressed about my own lack of grace and coordination.

But guess what...I was not the same old boy anymore,I had changed.

   We had joined for a crash course in salsa and jive.

               The term crash course has omnious connotations but I had made up my mind to succeed where once I had failed.

                        In my research, I came to know that Salsa is a very popular dance form in Latin America, U.S and Europe. The word is the same as the salsa meaning sauce, metaphorically referring the music and dance being "saucy","Spicy" and "tasty".

Yumm!

                There are different styles that developed in different regions: New York style salsa, Puerto Rican salsa, Cuban style, California style.(I seem to be learning the Manglorean Salsa with a healthy helping of fish curry )

                          Normally Salsa is a partner dance, danced in a handhold.In partner dancing, the two partners are labelled as the lead and the follow, or leader and follower. Traditionally, the male partner leads and the female partner follows.

Now read this carefully...A lead controls the way the dance will go. He decides which moves or figures will be danced, and how to move the follow. The follow does what the name implies, and follows the lead. For the lead and follow to interact with each other, a connection must be established.

One goal of partner dancing is to move in ways that one dancer alone cannot.

                   I took up dance to unlearn stiffness and rigidity and to learn the art of gracefulness.However grace seems to be innate or maybe it is inherited -an elusive quality embedded in the chromosomes-passed on from generation to generation onto select offspring by divine providence.

                  I say that because when I look at myself dance in the mirror, I see a boxer looking for a street fight, a MMA fighter getting ready for a sparring session, a bull charging in a china shop...I don't like to look when I dance.Period.

But here was the crucial difference.

Once upon a time, I had gone to learn a solo style of dance.The entire emphasis was on me and also the pressure to perform.

I hated it.

This time it was a partner dance.I genuinly felt I could learn more than just dancing from this endeavor.

            A popular joke goes something like this...Dancing is a wonderful training for girls;its the first way to learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it.

                             It's not entirely true...The partner that follows and the one that leads both have to possess an inner drive to follow the soul of the dance and rhythm.

                              It's true that the lead controls the way the dance will go. He decides which moves or figures will be danced, and how to move the follow. The follow does what the name implies, and follows the lead.

                         Beginning leads try to control 99% of the dance. Advanced leads try to control 51% of the dance. The follow styles her own moves as she likes within the parameters communicated by the lead.

                 Learning to lead or to follow forces upon you a sensitivity and receptivity to subtle signals.

               I'm an ogre by all standards, lacking sensitivity but now I'm forced to gently lead my partner with pushes,pulls and gentle nudges.Dance teaches you the subtle art of non-verbal communication...to talk without words.

You learn to deal with diferent partners with different personalities:the stiff, the tender,the soft,the nervous,the light,the innocent and the unyielding.

                          I'm afraid to extend the metphor of dance to life,even though many claim that it is so.One word -"Feminists" and then two more words-"Political Correctness"make me queasy and uneasy.

                          If I say Dance is Life...that the world is a ballroom and we are the dancers...just as once Shakespeare did with the stage ,then the issue of man taking a lead and the female following might seem offensive and regressive and politically incorrect to many feminists and pseudo-feminists(I'm looking at you guys who act like broad minded feminists to impress women.You are truly snakes in the grass)

Dance is an art form,where the art should be highlighted above the artists.It is a form of expression and it should transcend  gender politics.

(wikipedia tells me that promenade-style dancing has no lead or follow, and that homosexuals in various parts of the world dance in exclusive venues making the gender politics partly redundant)

It is true though...Some women don't like to be led.They simply cannot follow.Maybe they are not accustomed to it.So they march to the beat of their own drummer,much to everyones chagrin.

"If the leader cannot lead, or if the follower cannot follow, it no longer remains a dance;it becomes a wrestling match" says my teacher .

I agree.

Sometimes we fight when we dance.

It ain't pretty.

What Do You Say After You Say Hello?

One more marriage!

This was hilarious because I've never seen the bride before in my life.She is supposedly a distant cousin...which brings me to a philosophical question"Aren't we all distant cousins to each other ?"

This time I followed KCG's trick and surprised quite a few of my relatives!

"Of course I remember You, Uncle...How can I ever forget you?"

Usually I carry  a lifeline(more like a boreline) to weddings...like a book,my iPod or even a newspaper.This is to ensure that I'm not bored even for a minute.But this time, I went commando (No, I always wear boxers), with no lifelines in hand.

This is a brave new phase for me.

Things you notice:

There is an insidious and nefarious nexus of people in a marriage who come there for totally different reasons:Schmoozing, networking, matchmaking,flaunting,information exchange(gossip) and last but not the least...the saddest variety of  people  come here to have a grand wedding feast.

We had a few caucasians...they were from Netherlands.They were simply curious about all the weird and colurful and noisy rituals and wonderfully arcane customs of the wedding.They asked what it all meant.I simply shook my head and said "F#%$ knows"

Mom, as ever ,forced me to meet a few girls...and then surreptiously asked me if I liked any of them.The girls acted coy.I acted confident and charming.We exchanged perfunctory pleasantries.

It was all over within a minute.

Next!

As I've said before, I don't enjoy family gatherings.Once I go there, I meet people who I've categorized into these groups.

1)People I vaguely know.

2)People I don't know, but who know me (and ask me inane questions like "Hey , Remember Me?"

3)People who I am mutually strangers with.

4)People who I know but will avoid at all costs.(like that creepy old lady who likes to be touchy feely a lot)

5)Lastly...the Invisibles (these are people who are there but are not of any concern to you.For all practical purposes, they are invisible)

Group 1) and 2) pose the most problem.The problem being...What do you say after you say Hello?

Hello Aunty...nice seeing you here...Umm...er...excuse me, I've left my defibrillator in the parking lot!

Hello uncle! ...How are you...I'm fine...Hot day isn't it?...Umm...er...excuse me, my cat is getting a divorce, and I'm her lawyer...

What do you say after you say Hello? There's dead air between us...no history,no chemistry,and absolutely no interest in keeping the conversation alive...and that's when you come up with some brilliant excuses!

In any marriage you see, the females are there with a purpose, and men are there clutching their female's purse.

                                           Look at the females...aren't they social creatures?                      They are there for a reason...the old aunties are there to revive the 'Old Girls Network' .The young aunties are there to flaunt their new jewellry and saris.Mothers are on the lookout for eligible bachelors.Unmarried Daughters are there to be noticed.

I'm there because mom dragged me.Her greatest thrill these days is to show me to other people.Predictable reactions ensue "WHAT! DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG SON! YOU LOOK SO YOUNG!"

I'm adopted...I grumble.

In looking at women's clothes in a wedding, one can always tell who's next in line, who's ready to be married off, by the degree of well dressedness.The bride is by default the best dressed female in the wedding.I think that's her only incentive to get married...to be princess for a day, and be envied by all others.

The second best dressed girl is usually next in line for marriage.She's there for a reason.It's her interview with all the people.She's smiling,nodding, and graciously answering everyone's questions.All this for a boy? Honey, he ain't worth all that effort.(But I am)

I met the second best dressed girl today...What do you say after you say Hello?

Apparently we knew each other once upon a time.I apologised and confessed that I didn't know who the hell she was, but spoke to her on the assumption of past chemistry(I used to pull at her pigtails and she used to beat me up when we were six)

What do you say after you say Hello?  Its no longer a problem.I talk about everything as if I've known them for years.

I found out that Me and M/s Pig Tail had a lot to talk about...

Things You Notice

I was very frustrated the day before yesterday.

Me and my friends had made plans to go out, and it got cancelled the last minute.

(that's another post in itself)

As soon as it was cancelled I was forced to attend a Threading Ceremony(Brahmopadesham) of a distant cousin.

I don't like family get togethers.You have to meet a bunch of people you don't know and then renew acquaintances with them.

Son, I'd like you to meet Mr.Chandrashekar...He is your aunt's second cousin and that his long lost step sister found in the Kumbh Mela.

Hello Uncle! (In India everyone is an uncle or an aunty to someone)

Son, this is Saroja...we are related to her in a slightly more complicated manner.Let me get out the Venn Diagrams and the scientific calculator to explain it to you.

Hello Aunty!

This is Veena,Damodar,Prabhakar and Lalitha...Remember Anu's wedding? Well they are all Anu's relatives.This will require more than just a venn diagram, a family tree chart and a logarithm table.By the way, do you still remember fundamental quantum physics?

Sure Mom, introduce them all...Five minutes later I'll have forgotten most of it!

Ah! The joys of a family get together!

On top of it, these get-togethers have a hidden agenda.People come there with ulterior motives.Match-Making is one of them.The sea of relatives have hidden in them Match-makers and other sharks and killer whales.

Have you noticed that when you have some self-perceived flaw you tend to notice other people with the same flaw?

I mean, a bald guy in a group will always know the follicular status of every other person, like hairlines(receding or not),follicular density,scalp condition etc.

I see dead people.

Ever since I'm wearing dentures , I've acquired a sixth sense about other people wearing dentures.I can spot these people a mile away.

Ok...I see a sign...I see the light...I see that your first 4 teeth are fake!

It is scary, but I see people with dentures everywhere.

Now, since I've kept it a secret that I had an accident and lost my teeth, I'm worried that other denture wearing people have the same psychic powers and can see through my fake removable teeth.

Coming back to the subject of family get-togethers and match-making...a shark approaches my mom and tells her 'Hey! Your son is ready to get married isn't he?...Why else would you bring him to family-get-togethers?'

'No! He can't get married! He's too young...He's just a baby!'

'Mom! I'm not a baby!'

'So, does that mean you want to get married?'

'No! That's not what I meant...I don't want to get married either...I'm too young!'

'You are just a baby!'

'No I'm not! No I'm not! No I'm not! ...Now If you'll excuse me ...I seem to be missing my pacifier'

It's true...Mom is trying to find a girl for me.

Me? Why?

But she didn't think anyone in that group was suitable for me.

'Mom! Why didn't you tell me about this before?'

'Then you wouldn't have come'

I explain to mom that I'm not on the market.I have zero market value...

Now someone like my friend KCG will have a huge market value.

One word.

IIM Graduate.(ok... make that two words)

IIM Grad sums it all.

Smart (make that frighteningly smart...he'll literally blow you away),

handsome (not all IIM grads are handsome, but believe me...this dude is),

funny (hey! He is funnier than me...nuff said),

all round good boy( we were bonafide good boys in our childhood...we would self-censor all expletives by adding a bleep to it...we thought it was funny...we'd say you bleeping bleep...bleep off!)

In short, a good catch.I'm sure his parents have been approached a million times by match makers and other sharks and dangerous creatures.

I imagine girls throwing themselves on him everywhere he goes.( I have a wild imagination, sorry dude)

Of course...I've had a few crushes to contend with too.

As soon as I entered the get-together, I noticed a few stares.Mostly from parents and a few match makers and a few sharks.

There was an orbiter too.She was too shy to actually come up to me, so she wound up showing up conspicuously wherever I went.It was kinda cute!

She was in seventh grade.

I didn't have to do the math to know that she was jail-bait.

Of course, I wanted to have nothing to do with it, so I pulled out my iPod Touch and started playing games in it.This creted its own unique problems.A group of young boys became my orbiters because no one else had an iPod touch.

That wasn't the problem.

These kids were calling me Uncle.

That was the problem,

My memories will haunt you

Those familiar footfalls that echo,
resound and reverberate,
quickening your pulse
are not mine, but they once were



My memories will haunt you...



Those endless susurrus of sweet nothings whispered,
as soft lips brush lightly
against your earlobes
are not mine, but they once were



My memories will haunt you
like a cold winter's breeze...
but I am your creation,
just a figment my dear!

a fragmented figment of your imagination



And those nimble fingers that trail
and trace your curves
and linger, so longingly linger
are not mine, but they once were



My memories will haunt you
like a cold winter's breeze
that touched you in places,
long forgotten out of existence



You reach out, arms outstretched
to touch, to hold,to surrender
But I fade away, rendered to wisps of past memories
and imaginings long forgotten



And My memories will haunt you
like a cold winter's breeze
that touched you in places, long forgotten out of existence
and surprise you with a shiver and a smile



And those caresses that tickle and make you blush,
those gentle tweaks that makes you flush
and shudder, Ah! Those wonderful guilty pleasures
memories that you still treasure
dissolve and crumble as you wake up...

and all you are left is with my memories

and my memories will haunt you
like a cold winter's breeze









p.s. I miss you too.

Acne Away !

Oh my God ! You've got acne ! she says.

I've not only got acne, it makes me look so ugly that right now I'd rather
be the inbred love child of frankenstein and a sasquatch, I say.

A standard garden variety comeback.

Nothing fancy.

Why don't you do something about it ? she asks.

I know where this is going and don't like it one bit, but I'm not exempt
from following social convention...so I ask.

Like what?

More water , one suggests. At least two litres a day.

Lady , I once got the units wrong to this particular piece of
advice, and was drinking two gallons a day. It didn't do one bit good. But
my days were endlessly fascinating as a result. I'd never know when my
bladder would burst and whether I could reach the restroom in time or not.

How about roughage ? Are you getting enough ? another chimes in.

Roughage madam? I practically live on recycled cardboard and
linen. The fibres from my excrement are harvested to make fake currency
that fund a third world country dictator.

Finally the most authoritative figure gives her view.

It's body heat, she says gravely.

The movie ? I ask puzzled.


No , too much of it.


Yes, I particularly enjoyed Kathleen Turner's portrayal of...


She cuts me off with a dismissive wave...She has something more important to
say.


You've got what they call in ayurveda as ushna. All you need is to lower
your body heat...


All you need is an enema, she says as she goes for her enema kit.


I immediately go into 'fight or flight ' mode...


The lady is brandishing an enema kit at my face while asking me
if I'd like a saltwater enema or a soapwater one.

Er, I prefer soap. Its cleaner, and smells nice too...hey , I'm just kidding!


She's not. She goes for the soap solution...Would you like lavender or
chamomile ?

Yikes ! I prepare to scream like a girl and run for my life.


But madam, I'm a homeotherm...I like my body heat.

Ah ,So you know what it feels like to get an enema don't you ? she says
winking at me...

No madam, You're mistaken...ho-meooo-ther-rrm not a homo...

Let me explain...I'm a homeotherm madam, like the
rest of the mammals. Unlike some reptile that has crawled out of a burrow, I
can independently regulate my body temperature. That's what homeotherms do.


And No madam, I do not want anything forced inside my rectum.
Its a one way route. Things go out , not in. That's how things will stay as
far as I'm concerned, I say hotly.

(I still remember my doctor ramming in a rectal thermometer in my tushy when
I was little. It was very traumatic.)

And madam, acne is a sign of extreme masculinity. Let me
explain. You see, with higher levels of testosterone production, one's sebum
production goes haywire. It is the increased sebum that causes acne. So I
carry my acne proudly , for it declares the elevated levels of testosterone,
ergo extreme masculinity.What you see in front of you , madam, is someone
who is more than a man !

Excuse me but have you tried medicated soaps ?...


ARRGGHHHH !


In the end ,after much heated debate and argument, we decide to call it the
quits.


I buy an expensive miracle cream from her to remove acne, and
she agrees not to threaten me anymore with enemas. And though we both are at
odds, we both decide to call it even.

Waiting

                       (NOT !)

Its been a running gag for almost a month now...I've told all my friends that I'll be leaving soon... sailing soon.
We've exchanged goodbyes and forget-me-nots and we-will-meets-agains and so on and so forth...

But I'm still here.

Waiting...waiting to be called.

My documents are with my office.I'm half packed and mentally fully prepared.

I'm waiting.

They have changed three ships so far...Lavender Passage, Oriental Queen, and now I'm supposed to go to Mill Reef.Formalities and paper work will take a few hours.Mandatory medical testing will take half a day.

But I'm still waiting.

I feel the same as I felt the first two weeks after signing off and coming ashore.

Un moored.

Afloat without direction and purpose.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop , they say. (Don't ask me who!)

I feel the same...I shy away from human contact, don't make calls, don't interact

too much with people...It's begun again...

I want to go .I hate living in uncertainty .I hate living in a suitcase.
What I hate the most is the waiting.

I'm not able to make any long term plans.I don't know when I'm leaving.

I'm sorry I couldn't , but I wanted to spend some more time with you.

You are a very interesting person.

Yes, this is how I communicate...

I don't know if this a goodbye now or another extension of the current running gag.

Goodbye !

Should I ?

 

August is the break-up month of the year!

Planning a vacation with your partner in the month of August? Well, in that case, better watch out, or you could come home with your love life in ruins.

According to a new research, August is the month when you are most likely to be dumped by your partner.

Researchers have found we make crunch decisions on our romantic life while lying on the beach or by the pool.

During the rest of the year, say the researchers, people are so stressed by work and caring for the children they don't have time to stop and think.

But during their summer holidays, many couples spending time together realise they have nothing in common and are trapped in a duff relationship.

"We frequently receive feedback from customers asking for a 'you're dumped' card," The Daily Star quoted Andrew Gibson of The Card and Gift Company which carried out the research, as saying.

"The number getting in touch has shot up, suggesting August is the time when they consider ending their relationship," Gibson added.

A volley of SMSs is all you get.

I confess(like I've done before)
Every time....every single time
I get afraid, very afraid
But there you go expecting and get disappointed
And then you expect to be disappointed
Its not you , its me its true
I feel unworthy , even to be next to you
But you wield the power , to transmute
To heal and make forget
And having done all that
You expect and get disappointed
and then you expect to be disappointed
But forgive this heart
It pounds the drums of doom,
wildly, shaking me up
The more I think of it the weaker I get
I'm afraid I can't call you...because I'm afraid
Please consider my heart and what it goes through
The more I think of it , the weaker I get ,

So don't wait for me to call ,
Because In the end,
           A volley of SMSs is all you get.

FriendsForever

"There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me ... We spend our lives doing nothing for each other."
                                                                                                           - Bing Crosby

Its late to celebrate friendship day...but I'm really tired that you've never kept any of your promises.

Not honouring your promises is as good as breaking them.

Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks.

I see the cracks now...

Men kick friendship around like a football and it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it falls to pieces.

It doesn't matter whether you kick it or mollycoddle it now...the cracks are real.Everything's eventual ...even this.

"Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other."
- Honore Debalazac

                                       I wasn't superior ...You weren't either .
                                                   We were equals.
                                                              Or
                                                               So
                                                                  I
                                                                   Thought...

When I needed you most
when I needed a friend,
you let me down now like
I let you down then

If so...it wasn't intentional... Forgive me.

Envy-Not Me !

"Whenever a friend suceeds, a little something in me dies."
- Gore Vidal

I have to disagree.

When my friend told me she had gotten a job I was happy for her.

In fact , I was overjoyed.

I wanted to hug and congratulate her.
Realizing that such a gesture would not be appropriate and may not be tolerated (I might actually get slapped !) , I settled for a vigorous handshake sprinkled profusely with blabbering words of congratulations.

But I was so happy for her, that it wasn't enough for me...So I had to satisfy myself with another round of vigorous handshake-ala-congrats.
( She didn't share my enthusiasm though...for her it was a mixture of fear , nervousness apprehension, uncertainity  and elation which is normal for a first timer like her )

                         I've got another friend who I consider one of best friends who I think is already very successful.He will soon be out of India's most prestigious institution , and he will be big as they all predict, even bigger I hope.
I'm damn proud to be his friend.


To me , both are successful in their own rights...equally so , even though they might be far apart by a more worldly standard of measuring success.

Strangely I've never felt jealous of them...Their success hasn't come in between our friendship.

In fact I admire them and respect them in my own small and insignificant way.

There are other people who I'm proud to be associated with too(including you ,my dear reader )...but today I'd like to end here , saying that envy was never a problem, never will be.

Rather , I'm strutting proudly even though I had no part in their success.