The Ethics of Being an Evil Villain

The first thing you need to do is be informed of any and all activity going on in the evil villain community. You can’t threaten the earth with a laser if Doctor No-good and his band of illegal underpaid Mexican midget henchmen have already delivered their demands to the UN and have a request pending. Not only does it show no consideration at all towards your fellow bad guys it also makes you look like an ass in the hero community as well. To them it is a waste of time dealing with copycats, and when Batman feels you have wasted his time he makes you pay for it with broken teeth.

Another important point to being an ethical villain is equal opportunity employment. This week you may have a tribe of toothless illiterate South American farm migrants to do your bidding. Next week you may want to try out a gang of drunken Irish thugs. The key here is diversity. Remember, everyone is equally worthless and expendable in the eyes of the ethical villain.

Also, don’t even think of getting married. Other villains have tried this and failed… miserably. Trust me, your wife WILL call and embarrass you in the middle of a life and death battle with Captain Super Justice Asshole by insisting that you leave early to pick up the kids because her hair appointment went long. This is NOT a legitimate excuse and don’t be surprised if heroes everywhere stop taking you seriously, make jokes about you behind your back, point, laugh, and begin to send the regular cops to deal with your shenanigans instead of getting out of bed themselves.

One area where many villains fall short when it comes to ethics is personal hygiene. If you are going to choose fangs as part of your gimmick please be sure to brush them three times a day. Even the rottenest of bastards should be good to his teeth. You also shouldn’t have empty Wendy’s bags lying all over your lair. It only takes five minutes to clean up and projects an air of comfortable cleanliness to any captives unfortunate enough to be taken back to your hideout and chopped up for shark food. Besides, if you are going to try to take over the world, at least make sure you got all your shit off the floor first.

Grammar is another big concern in many circles of evil. If you know you are a little shoddy with the kidnap notes, hire a proofreader to go over it for you. No one takes demands seriously when they look like they were written by a third grader. And for fucks sake, don’t get angry and kill the damn proofreader because he constantly points out the fact that you don’t know how to spell the word “millennium”. Unless you have a lava pit. Burning people in a lava pit is always great fun for all involved except the one getting burned, but fuck that guys feelings…

The final piece of advice for those who strive to be ethical in their villainous endeavors is this: always flush when in another villain’s lair. Or even when in the heroes’ secret hideout. Never leave a log floating beneath another man’s throne. Not only is it unhygienic, foul-smelling, and quite frankly rude to the next person in line for the shitter, it shows no class on your part. Skeletor flushed in Castle Grey Skull without fail no matter how much he hated He Man’s Naziness. Sometimes he even lit a match out of courtesy. However, there is no rule against using the last bit of toilet paper and keeping quiet about it. That’s just good villainy right there.

Since it doesn’t get any better than the image of He Man cursing Skeletor at the top of his lungs while sitting on the old poop wagon with an ass full of yesterdays chimichangas and an empty roll of toilet paper crumpled up in his outstretched fist… I leave you with that