Disney's Twisted Morality

Walt Disney created some of the greatest children’s films in cinematic history, only the main thing Disney did was put in terribly frightening images and premises to scare the shit out of children so they grew up all moral. Below is a reinvention of some of the favourite Disney films with the actual positive and negative outcomes of doing, what Disney makes out we should or shouldn’t do.


Snow White

Moral of The Story: If you become prettier than your mother she will kill you

Negative Reality: It is pretty much impossible not to become prettier than your mother and if you piss her off with it she won’t order a hit on you at all. The more likely scenario is that your mother will kick you out of your house; you will then become a junkie and be forced into prostitution to pay for your habit. The end of your life will come when you find yourself in a drug den shooting up, only to OD and slump in a heap on the floor; something akin to a certain Rammstein video.

Positive Reality: Your mother will understand that her looks were never going to last forever and she nurtures your own beauty and is proud of it. You are encouraged to look how you want and end up with a great relationship ending up in a happy marriage with kids.


Beauty and the Beast

Moral of The Story: If you’re a narcissist an evil witch will come along and curse you so that only someone who can look past your furry looks will be able to love you.

Negative Reality: Well it’s obvious that no witch is going to come along and turn you into a beefcake version of a werewolf. If you are a narcissist you will only end up being self obsessed only attracting like self obsessed people. Your relationships will simply consist of two people saying how beautiful they are meaning you never really connect, and are looked down upon by everyone around you that has a sense of self decency. Your life will end alone in a bed-sit with no friends due to the fact that when your looks abandoned you, so did all of your so called ‘friends’.

Positive Reality: You are in such the realms of narcissism that you end up in Hollywood acting in blockbuster movies getting paid ridiculous amounts of money. You marry an absolutely gorgeous spouse and have equally as gorgeous children, solidifying your family’s history in the entertainment business and setting up future generations for simple lives in the same business.


A Bugs Life

Moral of The Story: If you are being used by others then standing up to them will turn out ok even though you have no fighting skills.

Negative Reality: Ok these people picked you for the reason that they wish to take advantage of your fear of physical pain. If you stand up to them with no viable muscle whatsoever you will simply ended up pounded into the mud and be made to look even more like a bitch. You will spend the rest of your life being walked over by anyone that comes across you, especially those that know your history. Your relationships will consist of being made a bitch and you will die sad and used like a condom after a five hour sex session.

Positive Reality: The bullies underestimated that you would stand up to them, and through fear of having it repeated again just dump using you for the next joke that will be easier prey. This gives you an explosion of self confidence so you know when people will be using you in future, enabling you to settle down into a secure trusting relationship and your children do not have the same self confidence problems you had when young, due to your nurturing and understanding nature created by your past.


Pinocchio

Moral of The Story: If you lie and don’t listen to your parents you will end up with a dildo on your face and your parents will end up swallowed by a whale. Fear not though as admission to all of your foibles will make everything fine, and your deepest wishes will come true.

Negative Reality: Every kid lies and doesn’t listen to their parents and a lot of them turn out absolutely ok. The ones that go to the extremes like binge drinking and lying as shown in Pinocchio though will end up losing their virginity at twelve in a park drunk on cider, have an ASBO by the time they are 18, and only be able to get gopher jobs while living in council house accommodation with regular confrontations with the neighbours

Positive Reality: The binge drinking and virginity losing are the same except this gives you such a sense of self loathing that you vow never to do such naïve acts again. You build yourself up a respectable life and reputation and pass on the wisdom of binge drinking and lying to your children in the hope that they don’t make the same stupid mistakes that you did.


Dumbo



Moral of The Story: If you have a laughable physical disfigurement, after taking all the shit you can you attack all the people around you. This causes them to all become your friends and everything to stay happily ever after. Pink elephants are also fucking scary.

Negative Reality: If you have a laughable physical disfigurement people are going to laugh and ridicule you all they want, especially among the less intelligent population. You will take shit for as long as possible until it either results in you going postal killing everyone around you and then yourself, or you end up with such psychological trauma that you end up committed and living in a padded room for the rest of your life. Pink elephants are also fucking scary.


Positive Reality: You ignore everyone’s joking at your physical appearance and only surround yourself with those that see people for their inner personality. In turn you find someone with the same respect for personality as yourself and you live happily ever after, creating children with various physical deformities, who you never look down upon due to you living your whole life looking like the elephant man yourself.


So there we have it, in response to Disney’s extremist propaganda we have the more correct facts put before us. What the hell happened to fluffy bunnies and happy goings on in kids movies eh? More importantly, what the fuck was Walt Disney on when he came up with the pink elephants scene in Dumbo?