Horoscope ?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.