Oh! The fun they must have!

(Rejected Title:Scenes from a Torture Rack Too!)

Oh ! The fun they must have!

Dentists must get the funniest patients.Their patients are always lying prone in weird facial postures, and they always start the babbling-baby talk after the anaesthetic...

WhooHoo! A barrel full of monkeys!

The only other doctors who can possibly have more fun than dentists are Gay Proctologists and Foot Fethisist-Podiatrists.I bet these guys are permanently stationed on the seventh heaven!

Of course, psychiatrists get their fair share of crazy-funny -loonies, but we've all seen 'Sixth Sense' to know that it ain't always a barrel full of monkeys.

My dentist is a nice guy, but not really known for his gentleness.I mean, he made me wear these ridiculously bright white temporary crowns for a week.These crowns were so white , so humongous, that it looked like piano keys instead of teeth.And worst of it all, I was required to go in the public, and make a few speeches to students!

The busiest social week in my life with piano keys stuck in my mouth! Talk about social awkwardness! Now don't ask me why I don't flirt these days!

But that wasn't really it either.It was the way he removed those temporary crowns that revealed his lack of gentleness.He used a hammer and a drill! My mouth felt like a kitchen sink being repaired by a plumber!

But that was not it either.Whenever he drilled in my mouth, he would pry my jaws open(even though I could keep them open myself)...and also place his palm squarely on my nose.I couldn't breathe.Ha Ha...I had to stop him many times in between so that I could breathe.

But the results were excellent.He matched the shades of the fake to the natural teeth precisely.My slight overbite is gone, and my smile has improved.Today, after the restorationI just saw a girl swoon after I smiled at her! I'm Baaaaack ! He he he!

I am no longer  a Gap Toothed Idiot.Alfred E Neuman can take his rightful place at any time.I humbly relinquish my throne to its rightful heir.

As I was nearing the end of my Dental-Restoration saga, a sense of foreboding overcame me.

I would soon be normal again.

No more excuses.No more privileged treatment.No more sense of entitlement.

I'd have to own up to my actions.

And tomorrow, I have another speech to give...to nearly 300 students, and I'm not a bit prepared!

Scenes from a Torture Rack

(Rejected Title:Blood,Pain and Random thoughts on a dentist's chair)

Pain is good.It reassures you that you are alive.

I'm not afraid of pain.I've inherited the thick-buffalo-skinned high pain threshold gene from my dad's side.Me and my dad are often unfazed after a session of bumping and banging into things.As a kid, I used to poke needles into my skin just to show off!

Whirrrr!    The dental drill drones menacingly.

The masked dentist stops and tells" I'll have to go deeper into your gums.This might pain a little.Do you want an anaesthetic?"

"Not necessary Doc! " I reply

But you could've told this to me earlier when you were actually drilling into my tender and sensitive gums!

"Nope! I can bear it"

Whirrrrrr!    He continues.

This is the final stage of my dental restoration saga.Going against my friend's advice, I chose to have a Dental Bridge instead of a Dental Implant.Reason? Time Constraints.I simply could not wait for another two months.

Also, another friend had told me that the upper jaw has more porous bone structure than the lower jaw making it an un-viable and unreliable site for an implant.

Whirrrrrr! The drill drones.

My dentist is supposed to reduce my teeth by a millimeter...Now that doesn't seem like much, but believe me, the end result was that my pearly whites were reduced to mere stubs!

What you don't know cannot hurt you.

While sitting on the chair, I just realized that I had disproved the above saying.

While the dentist was cutting into my gums without informing me, it hurt a lot.

He then asked me to choose between numbness and pain, between feeling and un-feeling.The choice was obvious.Numbness would lose again.I'd always choose to feel.

But the pain was not as intense when I knew it would hurt.My mouth was open and a steady stream of blood,saliva & water dribbled on the apron, and all I could think was that the anticipation of pain had somehow numbed it down.

In life, it was only the pain that came out of nowhere and blindsided you that hurt you the most.For everything else,the coping mechanisms inside your head had ways of making you 'Comfortably Numb"

(The included picture is for humorous purposes only and does not intend to undermine my dentist's expertise or professionalism.BTW, my dentist's drill is much smaller, but equally effective in inflicting pain! Ha ha)

Is currently writing a story about...

A ladies man, who has the power to seduce any women he wants.

He was born on March 8th.

He has a secret technique up his sleeve called the 'soul gaze of seduction', wherein he can look into your soul and make it stir deep within and hold you in a thrall.

Obviously, the story is a fantasy targeting male readers who have had the same level of success with women as the author.

The story is not autobiographical in any way.(but the author wishes it was)

(The picture of Homer Simpson is for illustrative purposes only.Niether Matt Groening nor Fox Broadcasting Company are affiliated with the aforementioned fictional story)

 

How far would you go for love?(and other random observations)

Only thoughts can be random...the very act of penning down your thoughts destroys the randomness that was originally present...thus making this title a lie.

Holy Shit!

How would you react if I told you that somewhere in this world, shit is holy,

You'd go (quite predictably) 'Holy Shit!'

But in India, cows are holy, and most things from a cow are equally holy.Thus we have the holy cow, the holy cow's holy milk (and all other milk derivatives like holy butter,holy ghee,holy paneer), holy cow's holy piss, holy cow's holy shit (which we like to call cowdung).

But elsewhere, holy cows make tasty hamburgers!

I wish you all a Happy Holy.(coming soon to a store near you on march 11th)

How far would you go for love?

A: 48 +- 5 km.

God requires topless men!

             There are a few temples in india, where if you are a man, you have to go topless to gain entrance(I find it sexist that women are exempted).As a shy boy once upon a time, I had refused to risrobe in front of total strangers.I wanted a valid reason for stripping myself.Mom told me that it was so that god could know that you were literally pure.I bet she didn't know the real reason.

Without a shirt, in India, anyone can know your religion and caste and your general heirarchy in matters of divinity.Brahmins and Kshatriyas wear a holy thread called janiwu and it denotes their upper ranks to the rest of the world.

On that fateful day, I steadfastly refused to take off my shirt.I was no longer shy...rather simply too stubborn.

Disinhibition

I spoke to my ex-neighbour today...we were chatting via IM.

In alll the years we were next to each other, I don't remember talking to her for more than five minutes.Those talks were filled with awkward pauses and silences.Today though, we spoke for two whole hours, and shared things we never would dream of sharing when facing each other.We now know more about each other more than what we knew from the past eleven years that we lived next to each other.

It was possible because we weren't actually talking to each other.We were staring at the monitor and responding to a string of sentences and coded textual information instead of flesh and blood.

Complic8ed

Trying to simplify certain actions tend to over-complicate it...take for instance the act of shaving and break it down into minute steps.(I'll keep it simple)

1)Apply a detergent based foam on face and aerate it with a shaving brush or fingers.

2)Let an approximate time interval pass by so that hair follicles are sufficiently softened and the skin well lubricated.

3)Take a very sharp blade and ritualistically drag it across the skin in an attempt to cut hair follicles and abrade the skin.

4)Rinse and Repeat if necessary (or if required results are not obtained)

5)Your instruments sometimes resemble heat seeking missiles with multiple projectiles.

Lofty claims such as 'The best a man can get' are made.Other lofty claims include cavorting suprmodels who are attracted to a follicularly challenged man.

Sick men are big babies.

Moti bit me.

I took full advantage of it by telling it to anyone who cared to listen and gathered as much sympathy as I could.I also shamelessly let mom pamper me for the last 3 days.

Social Value

I've noticed that it is very easy to approach other girls if you are already with a girl.If you go alone, there is a chance that you'll be labeled a creep.A girl on your side gives you full access to shameless flirting without any negative repercussions.

The presence of a woman by your side also softens up other men...makes them more suggestible and compliant.

Ok...Now I need a girl by my side (preferably smart and beautiful) to rule the world.First , we get all the women to follow us, and then the men will automatically follow.

Practice your BWAHAHAHA well.It'll come in handy.

Different Tastes

I didn't get to watch dilli 6.Now I don't know if it is a bad movie, because I don't believe in what others say.I neither listen to critics nor to the masses.

Tomorrow, I have to go to a movie with a Abhishek Bacchan hating Anglophobe who also hates horror movies and Anurag Kashyap.

The only choice as of now...Dhoondte Reh Jaaoge!

Let me ask you again...

How far would you go for love?

A: Reviews will be posted soon!

Losing Your Virginity - Guide for Male Virgins

http://www.virgins-guide.com/
Bwa-ahahahahahahaha!

Internet...there's something for everyone.

So how much do you really know about anyone?

Moti my dog bit me today.

He panicked.

He was always afraid of those big trucks...and one was parked right around the corner near the place we go every evening for our daily walk.

A car came and was about to run over moti.I stopped the car and tried to pull moti towards my side.My hand went to his collar and the truck revved its engine.

He panicked.He bit my right hand ...he literally gnawed on it.

I had to hold my cool and calmly lead moti to safety, which I did, in spite of the throbbing pain and profuse bleeding in my right palm.

Of course, I had to rush to get an anti-rabies shot.With my hand still hurting, mom had to drive.If you seen mom drive, you'll think she's speed racer on a scooter.

She rushed to the store where she knows they are stored in refrigerated conditions(+2  to +8 deg c) and then broke a red light and took me to the clinic.She justified it by telling me that the traffic cop was looking the other way,and that my treatment was first priority.

The nurses couldn't teasing me.

They insisted that they give the intra-muscular injection to the buttocks.Their reason was that it hurt a lot less.

Sure! Gluteus Maximus is the largest muscle but hey! I'm in pain! And I'm in no mood to strip!

I told them that my shoulder would have to do...

Finally they complied and jabbed it deep into my left shoulder.

Wow! More than the pain, I'm hurt that Moti would actually bite me so hard.Oh Yes...My hand has a few deep punctures, and it is throbbing like a  (insert appropriate simile).

I don't know , but I'm feeling really low after getting bitten.Its a combination of physical pain and mental, I guess.

Things You Notice

I was very frustrated the day before yesterday.

Me and my friends had made plans to go out, and it got cancelled the last minute.

(that's another post in itself)

As soon as it was cancelled I was forced to attend a Threading Ceremony(Brahmopadesham) of a distant cousin.

I don't like family get togethers.You have to meet a bunch of people you don't know and then renew acquaintances with them.

Son, I'd like you to meet Mr.Chandrashekar...He is your aunt's second cousin and that his long lost step sister found in the Kumbh Mela.

Hello Uncle! (In India everyone is an uncle or an aunty to someone)

Son, this is Saroja...we are related to her in a slightly more complicated manner.Let me get out the Venn Diagrams and the scientific calculator to explain it to you.

Hello Aunty!

This is Veena,Damodar,Prabhakar and Lalitha...Remember Anu's wedding? Well they are all Anu's relatives.This will require more than just a venn diagram, a family tree chart and a logarithm table.By the way, do you still remember fundamental quantum physics?

Sure Mom, introduce them all...Five minutes later I'll have forgotten most of it!

Ah! The joys of a family get together!

On top of it, these get-togethers have a hidden agenda.People come there with ulterior motives.Match-Making is one of them.The sea of relatives have hidden in them Match-makers and other sharks and killer whales.

Have you noticed that when you have some self-perceived flaw you tend to notice other people with the same flaw?

I mean, a bald guy in a group will always know the follicular status of every other person, like hairlines(receding or not),follicular density,scalp condition etc.

I see dead people.

Ever since I'm wearing dentures , I've acquired a sixth sense about other people wearing dentures.I can spot these people a mile away.

Ok...I see a sign...I see the light...I see that your first 4 teeth are fake!

It is scary, but I see people with dentures everywhere.

Now, since I've kept it a secret that I had an accident and lost my teeth, I'm worried that other denture wearing people have the same psychic powers and can see through my fake removable teeth.

Coming back to the subject of family get-togethers and match-making...a shark approaches my mom and tells her 'Hey! Your son is ready to get married isn't he?...Why else would you bring him to family-get-togethers?'

'No! He can't get married! He's too young...He's just a baby!'

'Mom! I'm not a baby!'

'So, does that mean you want to get married?'

'No! That's not what I meant...I don't want to get married either...I'm too young!'

'You are just a baby!'

'No I'm not! No I'm not! No I'm not! ...Now If you'll excuse me ...I seem to be missing my pacifier'

It's true...Mom is trying to find a girl for me.

Me? Why?

But she didn't think anyone in that group was suitable for me.

'Mom! Why didn't you tell me about this before?'

'Then you wouldn't have come'

I explain to mom that I'm not on the market.I have zero market value...

Now someone like my friend KCG will have a huge market value.

One word.

IIM Graduate.(ok... make that two words)

IIM Grad sums it all.

Smart (make that frighteningly smart...he'll literally blow you away),

handsome (not all IIM grads are handsome, but believe me...this dude is),

funny (hey! He is funnier than me...nuff said),

all round good boy( we were bonafide good boys in our childhood...we would self-censor all expletives by adding a bleep to it...we thought it was funny...we'd say you bleeping bleep...bleep off!)

In short, a good catch.I'm sure his parents have been approached a million times by match makers and other sharks and dangerous creatures.

I imagine girls throwing themselves on him everywhere he goes.( I have a wild imagination, sorry dude)

Of course...I've had a few crushes to contend with too.

As soon as I entered the get-together, I noticed a few stares.Mostly from parents and a few match makers and a few sharks.

There was an orbiter too.She was too shy to actually come up to me, so she wound up showing up conspicuously wherever I went.It was kinda cute!

She was in seventh grade.

I didn't have to do the math to know that she was jail-bait.

Of course, I wanted to have nothing to do with it, so I pulled out my iPod Touch and started playing games in it.This creted its own unique problems.A group of young boys became my orbiters because no one else had an iPod touch.

That wasn't the problem.

These kids were calling me Uncle.

That was the problem,