Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Gym Jesus

As you all know, I'm a fitness freak...

I have  helped my colleagues on the ship wherever they have required it.Many are thankful.
A funny thing happened on this ship.
I would work out quietly without disturbing or socializing with anyone.But then I noticed that all the other guys are following my exercise regime, studying and copying my moves!
Even without preaching , I had converted them.
I was Gym Jesus!
 
I have in the past written about fitness or weightloss.There I have written from an exclusively male perspective.

Finally I have come up with a broader perspective.

Simplest thing about fitness is :Most Men want big muscles.Most Women don't.

All the other goals are the same.Lesser body fat, more lean muscle,better body strength and coordination, enhanced immunity,better cognition skills, overall mental improvement etc.

After extensive research of some really big fat boring books (I even read the Merck Manual and several physiology textbooks that I borrowed from my cousin), I have developed a sureproof fitness program.
The only problem is that it canot be put down in a book.
Well, It can be, but then it will lose its efficacy.
So no dvds or infomercials either.(Thank god for that!)

This will be something like a intense five day course.
It will be one person at a time.(So at this point it is not a business model that will generate money.But it is a model geared for effectiveness)

In this five day course, you will have to spend an hour every day with me in my gym.My gym is just a room upstairs.It has one stationary cycle (which I don't use), one treadmill (which I don't use), one swiss ball, a few dumbbells,a punching bag (which I recommend that you don't use) and a pull up bar.

My gym is not the expensive kind that has an exorbitant yearly fee or lots of useless exercise equipment(some of which are downright damaging to your body.For example ; the smith machine, or the leg extension which will damage your knees more than high heels).

We will meet everyday for an hour in which I will come to know more about your fitness goals, your history, diet and body structure etc. 
You will exercise for roughly 20-25 mins and spend  the rest of the time interacting with me and learning a few cutting edge facts about exercise and nutrition.You will also unlearn many harmful beliefs that the general population harbours.As an added bonus, if requested, you will be taught holistic methods of fitness- which include subconscious activation of positive habits,deep relaxation techniques and meditation.Relax.The holistic methods are non-denominational.Keep your gods to yourself.

You will also learn a few boring things like how RMR is affected by aerobics and how to optimise your TDEE, which can be supplemented with actual proof.(charges apply)
Your exercise will be customised heavily based on your lifestyle,body composition,history and diet.You might be asked to  modify your diet based on your goals.

After five days, you no longer are required to come to my gym.You can do all the exercises in a regular gym or at home.I prefer you did them at home.

If required , you can visit after a month and review progress and fine tune the practices.

Now, you might want references.
I have none.

But I have experimented (I agree...it is a poor choice of words) with a few people and have had great success.
I've successfully helped two cousins lose weight with roughly 20 minutes of instruction.But that was possible because I  already knew to some extent all their history.
My mom has a problem of maintaining weight.She's been rapidly losing weight.You might think that is good, but she is distressed that none of clothes fit her now.
Well, I changed her fitness regime and now she finds her daily exercise more exciting than her old yoga routine, and she's maintained her weight for the past  year.

My dad has a weak back.So my primary goal was to strengthen his back, build lean muscle and lose fat.So far, he too has noted improvements in his back.Let me remind you.He is in his late fifties.His results will not be dramatic or quick.


Finally, I extensively experiment and keep tabs on myself.I like to safely change my body status.One month it is bulkier, the next month it is low fat.I keep tabs on what I eat and when and how.I recently discovered that my sugar cravings correspond to the days that I've worked out.On other days, I don't even feel like I want to eat that chocolate bar or drink that cola.

I never have had a craving for fast food.Truth be told, eating fast food makes me feel sick and sluggish that entire day.
I have a star on the mound of Luna on my right palm(I've studied Palmistry).

It is supposed to be a sign that I often punish myself. As far as exercising goes, I feel it is true.
Sometimes because I'm too overenthusuastic, I overexercise to the point I get sick for the next two days.
The U.S.Marines call it Over Traning Syndrome.It is a bodily reaction when the body goes into shock because it is overwhelmed by too my stress.
I do that sometimes - without realising it.For the next two days, I usually have a mild fever that goes away with simple rest.

I was briefly interested in Palmistry - until I read several books on it and realised that it was full of crap.


One ground rule is : No drugs.I've never studied drugs, legal or otherwise and using them without a professional's supervision is not something I'd recommend.
Apart from that I try every thing that I deem to be safe for me.I've even tried Brainwave entrainment technology.(results so far are inconclusive)

Well, I invite anyone interested to my "Gym Jesus Program of getting the fitness that you want". (Kinda corny name isn't it?)

As I want to test my theories and my accumulated knowledge on a wide variety of people, it will be complimentary to anyone willing to participate.
I'm promising results with twenty minutes or less of daily exercise that will leave you fresher than a daisy by the end of it.
And this is not an infomercial.

p.s. To all my detractors who tell me that I don't look like a bodybuilder.

Yes, you are right.I don't look like a classic bodybuilder.I don't strut around with a chest that can balance a glass of water or biceps that can be compared to pythons,boa constrictors or any other snakes.My thighs don't chafe and neither do my armpits.
When I'm fully clothed, I look like any regular garden variety Joe.

Three reasons:
1)I've deliberately under worked my pectorals,biceps,quadriceps and latissmus dorsii.I avoid all kinds of muscular hypertrophy in general.I don't want to end up looking like a collection of body parts pieced together.That being said, all bets are off once I take off my clothes. I do have definition and low body fat that other bodybuilders achieve by short term semi-starvation diets,intentional dehydration and abuse of metabolism catalysts like fat burners.Mine is a result of my exercise,diet and genetics.

2)I take no supplements, vitamin pills,no protein shakes,creatine powder,nitro kicks,fat burners,steroids and all other crap.I eat a regular low fat,moderate carbs and proteins and high fibre diet with lots of veggies and fruits.Salad is actually my favourite dish.My diet is actually very boring, because I'm one of those people who actually find eating a chore.The quicker and more efficient my meal is the better.

3)I don't want to look like the traditional body builder.
It is overkill.
That particular look is not how I define fitness.

5 comments:

  1. http://artsyspot.com/tough-gals/

    This is not what you will become...I promise! (unless you want it)

    ReplyDelete
  2. sounds interesting.. but: i have to drink coffee. no if and buts. i have to drink coffee and am allowed to eat cheetos.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My diet modifications are minimal...I gorge on chocolates all day, so I'm not going to preach in that area...

    ReplyDelete