Carlinspeak

Ladies First

I notice a lot of this "comedy" they have on television is about relationships. Do you ever see this stuff? Relationship comedy? Well, I don't know much about relationships, but over the years I've noticed a few things about the two sexes, and I'd like to discuss them. 

Men and women:the big,hairy, noisy male creatures, and the smaller, smoother, but nonetheless also quite noisy, female creatures.

Here's all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid.

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And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. It's not the only reason, but it's a big one.

And by the way, if you don't think men are stupid, check the newspaper. Ninety-nine percent of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated, enabled or continued by men. And that includes the wave and the high five, two of history his truly low points.

But as I say, besides knowing that men are stupid, it's also important to remember that women are crazy. And if you don't think women are crazy, ask a man. That's the one thing men aren't stupid about; they know for sure, way down deep in their hearts, that women are straight-out fuckin nuts.

But it doesn't just happen; it isn't an accident. Women have good reason to be nuts, the main one being that in the course of life, compared with men, they have far more to put up with; they bear greater burdens. Think of it this way: In the Big Cosmic Cafeteria, as human beings move down the chow line of life and reach that section where the shit is being spooned out, women are given several extra portions.

And please understand, my motives here are not selfish or personal. I'm not saying all this stuff to get in good with women although an occasional blow job would be nice. But it's not a requirement. It's optional.

 BJO: Blow Job Optional. No, I just think it should be evident to

any person who's being honest and thinking clearly that women carry a lot more of life's baggage than men.

To begin with, they're smaller and weaker, so they get slapped, punched, raped, abused and, in general, get the shit beaten out of them on a rather regular basis. By men, of course, who are stronger. If women were stronger, this wouldn't be happening. Men would not raise a hand if they thought the balance was more equal; they would back down quickly. Then again, if women were stronger, they would probably be beating the shit out of men just for the fun of it. It's only fair.

APPEARANCE IS EVERYTHING

Another major problem for women: They have to look good all the time or at least they think they do. So they'll be attractive to their male protectors. "Gotta look good tonight, Joey's gonna beat the shit out of me. Maybe I can get a nice kick in the fuckin' mouth. Gotta look my best."

And looking one's female best requires a lot of things. Start with cosmetics. Just think ofall the products and procedures a woman is forced to deal with in the world of cosmetics:cleansers,toners, foundation, blush, face powder, lipstick, lip gloss, lip liner, eyeliner, eye shadow,eyebrow pencil, mascara, nail polish, nail polish remover, manicures, pedicures, fake fingernails, fake eyelashes...

GIMME SOME SKIN

... face cream, neck cream, eye cream, thigh cream, root cream, day cream, night cream, cold cream, wrinkle remover, makeup remover, hand lotions, body lotions, bath oils, bath beads, shower gels, bubble baths, scented baths, perfumes, colognes, toilet water, astringents, moisturizers, emulsions, exfoliants, peels, scrubs, depilatories, body wraps, facial masks...

HAIR HAIR!

... shampoos, conditioners, bleaches, dyes, rinses, tints, perms, straighteners, wigs, falls,rats,extensions, combs, barrettes, bobby pins, hairpins, hairnets, hair curlers, scrunchies,ribbons,bows, debacles, headbands...

PROCEDURES

... streaking, frosting, teasing, spraying, moussing, blow drying, cutting, layering, curling,eyelash curling, eyebrow plucking, armpit shaving, leg shaving, crotch shaving, crotchwaxing,leg waxing, eyebrow waxing...

And a purse! A big fuckin' purse so she can carry all this shit around with her. Especially the makeup, which must be close at hand at all times. "Gotta have my makeup. In case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit outta me. I gotta look my best. Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful.'

I NAVE NOTHING TO WEAR

And, my friend, I hope you're aware that when we talk about women looking good, we're also talking about clothing. Clothing is what generates all this shopping shit that occupies so much of a woman's time. Because the truth is, women have to buy, own and wear an unbelievably bewildering number of garments:

TAKE IT OFF!!!

Slips, half-slips, camisoles, thongs, panties, pantyhose, stockings, half hose, knee-highs,anklets,socks, leg warmers, garter belts, girdles, corsets, training bras, padded bras, sports bras,nursing bras, push-up bras, strapless bras, Wonderbras, bustiers, teddies, petticoats, peignoirs,negligees,nightgowns, shorties, muumuus, body stockings... (muumuus - don't they sound so cute? I can say 'muumuu-muumuu' all day)

TOP TO BOTTOM

... blouses, sweaters, jerseys, pullovers, halter tops, miniskirts, maxiskirts, slacks, suits, sunsuits, business suits, pants suits, culottes, capris, shorts, short shorts, hot pants, formal gowns,bridal gowns, evening gowns, street dresses, sundresses, cocktail dresses, housedresses, housecoats, winter coats, fall coats, spring coats, hats and scarves...

BAUBLES & BANGLES

... brooches, pins, necklaces, pendants, medallions, lockets, bracelets, ankle bracelets, earrings,wedding rings, engagement rings, friendship rings, thumb rings, toe rings and (optional,of course) nipple, nose and labia rings.

And let's not even begin to talk about shoes. Oh, God! Sorry girls! I take it back. But atleast let's keep it brief: tennis shoes, sandals, open-toes, slingbacks, mules, wedgies, flats,half-heels and...high heels. High heels that damage a woman's feet, ankles and knees, but make her ass and legs look great, so how can you blame a guy for the occasional rape? "Hey, the bitch was askin' for it, she was wearin' high heels."

DOWN THE AISLE

Now, generally, all this obsession with appearance has one purpose. It's supposed to lead to romance and it is devoutly wished by some a wedding. A wedding is another one of those good deals women get: The man "takes a wife," the woman is "given away," her family pays for the whole thing, and everyone stands around hoping she gets pregnant immediately.

KNOCK KNOCK!

Pregnant! Hey, another terrific treat for the gals! A chance to gain forty pounds, puke in the morning, walk like a duck, get sore tits and develop a nice case of hemorrhoids. What a deal!

And such attractive clothing. Plus, she can't get up off the couch without help. Well, it's her own fault. This wouldn't have happened if she had taken her birth control pill or used her diaphragm.

Notice: her pill, her diaphragm.

AND BABY MAKES WORK

But think of how fulfilling it can be. After all, now she has a baby; a baby she gets to raise practically alone. And if she decides to be a stay-at-home mom, she gets to cook, clean, sew, scrub, scour, wax, wash, dry, iron, do the shopping, drive the van and entertain the guests.

She's a housewife! An unpaid, in-family domestic servant. Admittedly, that description is a bit more in line with the old model. The new model is so much better: She 'gets a fuckin' job so she can be bringin' something' in." But, somehow, she still winds up being an unpaid, in-family domestic servant after she gets home from the job.

You know, the job? Where she gets paid less than men for the same work, does not rise beyond a certain level in the company and gets harassed all day long by some oversexed moron with a lump in his pants.

Probably better just to stay home where she doesn't have to be bothered with that pesky paycheck crap, and there his none of that nonsense about Social Security, pension plans and unemployment money in case of divorce. Just alimony and child support... if the ex-husband can

be located. The ex who probably thought she was looking a little used up and dumped her for someone whose milk glands hadn't sagged yet.

Can't forget those milk glands, can we, girls? Tits! Two tits, sticking straight out of your chest; in some cases sticking straight out. Well, for a few years, anyway. Yes, girls, just by virtue of being female, you get to walk around all your life with two vulnerable milk glands hanging out in front of you like lanterns. 

                And if, somehow, you should get the idea that men don't approve of the size and shape of those milk glands, you'll find plenty of social pressure to have them artificially "enhanced." Such enhancement usually will be performed and supervised by men.

Here's another physical treat for females: periods! Cramping, bloating and bleeding five days a month. Fifteen percent of the time. And you can add the time spent with premenstrual syndrome.PMS. Men gave it that name. If women had named it, it would be called My several daysof

shrieking and crying and depression, just before my several days of bleeding, cramping and bloating." Men don't quite see it from that angle. Men experience PMS as a problem for them.

"What's the matter, Joey? You don't look so good."

"Ahhhh, my wife's got the PMS."

Here are some more special female advantages in case you haven't had enough: pap smears, mammograms, hysterectomies, mastectomies, miscarriages, abortions, labor pains, childbirth pain, episiotomies, stretch marks and breast-feeding. And postpartum depression. Can't imagine why she wouldn't feel good. And just to top it all off, menopause. Menopause! More strange behavior and exciting physical sensations.

And in exchange for all this, in exchange for all this abuse from nature, what is the woman's payoff? Why, she's allowed to get into the lifeboat first. At least theoretically. How often do you think that really happens? Oh, and let's not forget, many men are quite willing to hold the door open for her. In fact, some men are quite impressed with their willingness to do this; they brag about it: 'Yeah, I beat the shit out of her a lot, but when she runs from one room to the other, I always hold the door open."

I'll tell you what a bad deal women got: They're in the majority on this planet, and they still wound up with the shitty end of the stick. That's how big a hosing they got.

Oh, and one other inequity I neglected to mention; very unequal. But this one works in women's favor: They live longer than men. And remember this happens in spite of all the shit they have to put up with. So who do you think is tougher? Men or women? Why don't you guess. And don'tforget, women have the huge added burden of having to put up with men.

Its Raining Men

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Man, Oh Man!

To my way of thinking, men have only one real problem: other men. That's where all the

troublestarts. A long time ago, men gave away their power. To other men: princes, kings,wizards,generals and high priests. They gave it away, because they believed what these other mentold them. They bought the okeydoke. The bullshit. Men always buy the okeydoke when it comes from other men.

Some stranger probably stood up at a campfire and said, "All right, boys, from now on, I'm the king. The sun is my father, the moon is my mother and they're the ones who tell me when to throw the virgins into the volcano. Til be expecting all of you to bow deeply when you see me, and give me half your crops. Plus I'm allowed to fuck your wife. And don't forget, if I want to I can concentrate real hard and make your head explode.'

And the other men around the campfire nodded their heads and said to one another, "This guy makes a lot of sense." A man will always buy the bullshit, because a man is not too bright. But I'm not suggesting a man doesn't have a great deal to put up with. He does. First of all, a man

has to make believe he knows what he's doing at all times. And while he's doing whatever it is he's doing, he has to make believe he doesn't need any help. He has to make believe he can fix anything. And if he can't fix it now, he'll fix it later. And if he can't fix it later, he has a friend who can fix it, and if not, it was no good to start with, it's not worth fixing, and besides, he knows where he can get something better, much cheaper, but they're all outta them right now, and besides, they're closed. This is the male disease. It's called

being full of shit.

The male disease includes the need to be in charge at all times. In charge, in control, in command. A "real man" sees himself as king of the hill, leader of the pack, captain of the ship.

But all the while, in order to fit in and belong, he has to act like all the other men and do what they do, so he'll be accepted. And get a good job and a promotion and a raise and a Porsche, and a wife. A wife who will immediately trade in the Porsche on a nice, sensible Dodge

van with folding seats so they can be like all the other boring families. The poor fuck. The poor stupid fuck.

His manliness also requires that he refuse to go to a doctor or a hospital unless it can be demonstrated to him that he has, in fact, been clinically dead for six months. No sense going' to the hospital, honey, I don't seem to be in a coma." Therefore, he must learn to ignore pain.

"It doesn't really hurt. Bleeding from six holes in the head doesn't really hurt. Just gimme the remote and get me a beer. And get the fuck outta here."

Most men learn this stupid shit from their fathers. Fathers teach their sons not to cry. "Don't let me hear you cryin' or I'll come up there and give you something to cry about!' Great stuff, hah?

All the problems in the world repeat, all the problems in the world can be traced to what fathers do to their sons.

So, little boys learn to hide their feelings, and society likes that because, that way, when they get to be eighteen, they'll able to go overseas and kill strangers without feeling anything. And of course, that bargain includes a certain reluctant willingness to have their balls shot off: "Honey, I have to go overseas and have my balls shot off, or else the rest of the guys will think I'm too afraid to go overseas and have my balls shot off.' The poor fucks. The poor stupid fucks.

And so, as a result of all this repression of feelings, the extent of the average man his emotional expression is the high five. Or sometimes, when really deep feelings emerge, both hands. The high ten. This is raw emotion. And that's about all they're capable of. And they have Dad

to thank. Thanks, Dad.

But wait! Don't think dads can't be fun at times, too. After all, dads introduce their sons to the Wonderful World of Menthe male subcultures. The really tough-guy, masculine, he-man stuff.

No wimps, no pussies, no softies.

There are five deadly male subcultures and they all overlap: the car and machinery culture, the police and military culture, the outdoors and gun culture, the sports and competition culture and the drug and alcohol culture. And, as a bonus, I'm gonna throw in one more: the "Let's go get some pussy and beat the shit outta queers" culture. As I say, they all overlap. Many men belong to all six.

This male universe is, of course, detectable by analyzing its combustible chemical formula:

gasoline, gunpowder, alcohol and adrenaline. 

A chemistry rendered even more lethal by that ever-present, ever-delightful accelerant: testosterone. Talk about substance abuse! If it's

chemical dependency you're interested in, you might want to look into testosterone.

TESSTAHSSTER-OWN!!the most lethal substance on earth. And it does not come from a

laboratory, it comes from the scrotum; a scrotum located, interestingly enough, not far

from the asshole. How fitting.

And, as it happens, all these male subcultures share a particular set of features: homophobia, coupled with an oddly ironic, complete, childlike trust in male authority. Men are attracted to powerful men. They also share a strong fear and dislike of women. This in spite of a

pathological obsession with pussy. TESSTAHSSTEROWN!!

So why are men like this? I think the overriding problem for men is that in life's main event, reproduction, they're left out; women do all the work. What do men contribute?

Generally, they're just looking for a quick parking space for some sperm. A couple of hits of hot jism, and the volume on the TV goes right back up. It's my belief that most of these flawed male chromosomes should not be allowed to go forward for even one more unfortunate generation.

But such is biology.

And so, excluded as they are from reproduction, men must find other ways to feel useful and worthwhile. As a result, they measure themselves by the size of their guns, the size of their cars, the size of their dicks and the size of their wallets. All contests that no man can win

consistently.

And let me tell you why all this happened. Because women are the source of all human life. The first human being came from the belly of a female. And all human fetuses begin as females. The brain itself is basically female until hormones act on it to make it structurally male.

So, in reality, all men are modified females. Where do you think those nipples came from, guys?

You're an afterthought. Maybe that's what's bothering you. Is that what's on your mind, Bunkie?

That would explain the hostility: Women got the good job, men got the shitty one.

Females create life, males end it. War, crime and violence are primarily male franchises. Man-shit.

It's nature's supreme joke. Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men, just enough. Just enough to fuck things up. And the dumbest part of it all is that not only do men accept all this shit... they do it to themselves.

By the way, I'm not letting women completely off the hook. After all, the one part of the lower anatomy that is the same in both sexes is the asshole. But women who are assholes aren't called that. They're named for a different part of their lower anatomy. They're called cunts. Isn't

it nice that cunts and assholes are next-door neighbors?

-George Carlin ,When will Jesus bring the pork chops?

(George Carlin was a womanthropologist among other things.)