Acne Away !

Oh my God ! You've got acne ! she says.

I've not only got acne, it makes me look so ugly that right now I'd rather
be the inbred love child of frankenstein and a sasquatch, I say.

A standard garden variety comeback.

Nothing fancy.

Why don't you do something about it ? she asks.

I know where this is going and don't like it one bit, but I'm not exempt
from following social convention...so I ask.

Like what?

More water , one suggests. At least two litres a day.

Lady , I once got the units wrong to this particular piece of
advice, and was drinking two gallons a day. It didn't do one bit good. But
my days were endlessly fascinating as a result. I'd never know when my
bladder would burst and whether I could reach the restroom in time or not.

How about roughage ? Are you getting enough ? another chimes in.

Roughage madam? I practically live on recycled cardboard and
linen. The fibres from my excrement are harvested to make fake currency
that fund a third world country dictator.

Finally the most authoritative figure gives her view.

It's body heat, she says gravely.

The movie ? I ask puzzled.


No , too much of it.


Yes, I particularly enjoyed Kathleen Turner's portrayal of...


She cuts me off with a dismissive wave...She has something more important to
say.


You've got what they call in ayurveda as ushna. All you need is to lower
your body heat...


All you need is an enema, she says as she goes for her enema kit.


I immediately go into 'fight or flight ' mode...


The lady is brandishing an enema kit at my face while asking me
if I'd like a saltwater enema or a soapwater one.

Er, I prefer soap. Its cleaner, and smells nice too...hey , I'm just kidding!


She's not. She goes for the soap solution...Would you like lavender or
chamomile ?

Yikes ! I prepare to scream like a girl and run for my life.


But madam, I'm a homeotherm...I like my body heat.

Ah ,So you know what it feels like to get an enema don't you ? she says
winking at me...

No madam, You're mistaken...ho-meooo-ther-rrm not a homo...

Let me explain...I'm a homeotherm madam, like the
rest of the mammals. Unlike some reptile that has crawled out of a burrow, I
can independently regulate my body temperature. That's what homeotherms do.


And No madam, I do not want anything forced inside my rectum.
Its a one way route. Things go out , not in. That's how things will stay as
far as I'm concerned, I say hotly.

(I still remember my doctor ramming in a rectal thermometer in my tushy when
I was little. It was very traumatic.)

And madam, acne is a sign of extreme masculinity. Let me
explain. You see, with higher levels of testosterone production, one's sebum
production goes haywire. It is the increased sebum that causes acne. So I
carry my acne proudly , for it declares the elevated levels of testosterone,
ergo extreme masculinity.What you see in front of you , madam, is someone
who is more than a man !

Excuse me but have you tried medicated soaps ?...


ARRGGHHHH !


In the end ,after much heated debate and argument, we decide to call it the
quits.


I buy an expensive miracle cream from her to remove acne, and
she agrees not to threaten me anymore with enemas. And though we both are at
odds, we both decide to call it even.