What did the blind, deaf, paraplegic boy get for Christmas?
Cancer
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Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your entire family was killed in a car wreck.
---
So this guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."
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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
GUSTAPO
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How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.
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What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Being shot in the head
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how do you make a mime yell?
throw a brick at his face.
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cuz he died.
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What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Nothing.
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Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken's back.
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Why was your eye itchy?
Because a spider layed its eggs in your head
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Why did you feel unwell?
You had the plague
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How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
They're both purple, except for the rabbit.
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What did Helen Keller name her dog?
oggkhknmfdsnkmnfdjznfj
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Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
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A man goes to a grocery store. While he is there, he buys:
bread
cheese
and milk.
So as he is checking out, getting ready to pay, the cashier says: "Hey, you're single, aren't you?"
The man is astonished. "Wow, that's incredible. How did you know that?"
"You're ugly."
---
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One holds groceries, the other molests children.
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He didn't. He got hit by a bus.
---
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: One is an edible substance and the other is a person who believes in Judaism.
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Q: What happened to the elderly old man who liked to play tricks on children?
A: He was stoned to death.
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Q: What did the florist do when she saw a child picking up a rubber ball outside her store?
A: She ran outside, kicked him in the ribs, and screamed maniacally until the police arrived to detain her.
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What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
Get in the car.
---
A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.
The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say willytop.
The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.
He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn't that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.
Well, the boy arrives in the principals office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willtop. The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.
Well, the boy went home, to find his parents in the living. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.
Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.
Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says "Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of willytop. what does it mean sir?" The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.
Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.
---
I was walking down the street the other day when this bum comes up to me and says he hasn't had a bite in three days.
So I stabbed him.
---
Q.What did the robot say to the child?
A.Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.
---
Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
Because he was off-duty!
---
Why did the woman lose the beauty contest?
Because she was ugly.
---
why can't the little boy go to school?
he has terminal cancer.
---
Why did Hellen Keller lose her hand?
She tried to read a road sign at 40 miles an hour.
---
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They moved the furniture.
---
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
---
Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face
---
What did the horse say when the guy started spanking his ass?
Nothing...Horses dont talk.
---
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
---
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
---
Why are black people so good at basketball?
because they PRACTICE
---
What do you call a black pilot?
A pilot.
---
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bob."
"Oh, come in."
---
How many Hindu's can you get into a Mini?
4 adults and possibly a small child.
---
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
---
A very rich man had a son. He was very proud of his son. The son was smart and diligent and did well in school.
On the son's 16th birthday, the father went to his son and said "son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you for your 16th birthday."
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 1,000 green golf balls.
The father was taken aback. "But son, that's such a strange request! Might I remind you that I'm VERY rich, and I could buy you ANYTHING your heart desires?!"
But the son was adamant, and his father, though confused, honored his son's request.
Some years later the son graduated from college at the top of his class. His father, once again beaming with pride, came to his son.
"Son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you for your college graduation."
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 2,000 green golf balls.
The father once again was confused, and a bit angry.
"Son, that's a ridiculous request! I'm offering to buy you ANYTHING you want! I'm a very rich man, and almost NOTHING is beyond my requisition! So please, reconsider, and tell me what you REALLY want!"
But the son was adamant, and his father, though bewildered and frustrated, honored his son's request.
Years later, the son, following in his father's footsteps, was a very successful businessman. He'd married a beautiful wife and borne his father many wonderful grandchildren.
One night as they ate dinner in an expensive restaurant, his father said to his son, "son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you in honor of your fantastic success and wonderful family."
Once again without blinking his son asked for 3,000 green golf balls.
Enraged, his father slammed his hands on the table and yelled, "WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY GENEROSITY SO?! FINE; YOU'LL HAVE YOUR STUPID GOLF BALLS, BUT YOU HAVE LOST YOURSELF A FATHER!"
And so the trade was made; the son's strange request for the animosity of his once-doting father.
Several years later, the father and the son not having spoken once since, the father got a call from a hospital informing him that his son had gotten into a terrible car accident and was dying. Forgetting all about his grudge against his son, the father flew down to his son's side in a flash. His son was conscious for the first time in days as his father arrived.
"Son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I'm so sorry for disowning you! I know I never should have! I'm so sorry for the years we've lost! But I must know, son, why did you want all those green golfballs; those wretched orbs that drove us apart?! Surely you had a grand design for them; you're the perfect son and I could not have asked for anything more in the world than you!"
His son, on death's door, looked into his father's eyes and said weakly, "well, father, I-"
And then he died.
---
What do you call a chicken in Antarctica?
Lost.
---
Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?
Because she was an abusive drunk.
---
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was blind, deaf and mute.
---
What's grosser than 10 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Having your skin peeled off.
---
Three women are on an airplane. One's a blonde, ones a red head, one's a brunette. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and their was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety. So the captain said to each of the three ladies, "You can only take one of you're possessions when you parachute out of the plane." The blonde says "I will take my watch becau-" But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.
---
What do you call a hispanic working at pizza hut?
An employee.
---
Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.
---
What was the pirate movie rated?
PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
---
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
---
What do you call a black guy in a convience store?
A customer.
---
Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Which one hits the ground first?
A: It depends on their weight and drag coefficient.
---
Q: How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on a bed?
A: Politely ask him to stop.
---
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they practice.
---
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
Lenny
Oh, ok, come right in, I've been expecting you for hours.
---
One time a boy came home from school and he said to his dad 'Dad I had sex with my teacher.' His dad was like 'Good job.' A few months later the boy died of STDs.
---
Your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.
---
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she lost her arms in a car accident.
---
Why couldn't Sally ride a bike?
Because Sally had Cerebral Palsy.
---
Why did the little boy say his prayers every night?
Because every night at 2A.M. when his dad comes home drunk he hears him beat his mom and wonders when he will be next.
---
Three men walk into a bar. They're all alcoholics, and they beat their wives.
---
Two men were walking along when they came across a set of tracks. The first man said "Deer Tracks!" the second said "Rabbit Tracks!".
While they stood there arguing, the train ran both men over.
---
How do you kill a fox?
Beat it with a stick until its heart stops beating from all the trauma. Death will soon follow.
---
So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.
---
What do you call two blonde girls playing catch?
Softball practice.
---
Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: *Confused expression*
Person 1: Oh thats right your deaf...never mind
---
Why did the child cross the road?
An arsonist set his house ablaze, causing his paraplegic family to die a slow painful fiery death. Their death screams consequently drove the child to madness. A truck hit him, showering the pavement with entrails.
---
Once there was a man who lived with his family in Africa. They were very poor, and never had enough to eat. One day the man said "I'll run in the Olympics and when I win the gold medal, I'll be able to feed my family!"
He practiced and practiced, but then one day he lost both his legs in a lawnmower accident and never walked again.
---
A young man named Bob moves out of his mothers house. He doesn't have much money to make it own his own so he decides to rob a gas station. The manager
of the store has a gun. Bob takes a shotgun blast to the face. He dies.
---
Why is the sky blue?
Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.
---
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It died.
---
Why did the puppy eat rat poison?
Because he was blind.
---
Ask me if I'm an orange.
Are you an orange?
No.
---
Q: How do you know it's bed time at Michael Jaskson's house?
A: When Michael Jackson is tired.
---
Q: What is hard, lasts forever, and is something girls love to have on their body?
A: A diamond.
---
Q: What did the hooker say to the priest?
A: That was a wonderful sermon. I look forward to next Sunday's church service.
---
Your momma's so fat, she bought an issue of Cosmo for an article on breast self-exams but became deeply depressed when bombarded by page after page of images perpetuating an impossible standard of beauty. That night she skipped dinner and cried herself to sleep.
---
Your momma's so fat, she tried to go on the Atkins diet but couldn't make it through the induction phase because her cravings for sweets and complex carbohydrates proved too powerful to overcome.
---
A man is in a car accident, and his genitals are horribly mutilated. When he awakes, the doctor tells him that they can create a new one for him, but it is an expensive operation. The operation costs ?1000 an inch. He is urged to go home and discuss the matter with his wife. The next day, the man comes back looking miserable. The doctor looks at him and asks him what the problem is. "I discussed the matter with my wife and she said she'd prefer a fitted kitchen. So I killed her."
---
Q: Why do women have boobs?
A: To provide milk to feed their offspring.
---
One day, Little Timmy asked his mother this question, "Mommy, why are boys and girls different?" She responded, "You're adopted and Santa Claus is dead."
---
Q: Why didn't the boy want to go home after school?
A: Because his dad beats him.
---
Q: What do you call a black person with a white belt?
A: A beginner at karate.
---
Q: Why did the soldier cry himself to sleep?
A: Because he had bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails every day for a year in a POW camp
---
Q: Why did the young boy touch himself at night?
A: He was shot in his stomach and was trying in vain to stop the bleeding.
---
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
---
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road screaming?
A: Because she had accidentally swallowed napalm, there was a hospital on the other side of the road, and her insides was burning, causing the worst pain she had ever felt.
---
Q: What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?
A: Carbon, because it forms the backbones of many energy rich sugars.
---
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar.
A bar fight ensues, and the blonde is killed in the midst of gunfire.
It was a horrible tragedy.
---
Q: What did Hellen Keller do when she fell off a cliff?
A: She screamed her hands off.
You’re likely familiar with the Disney version of the Little Mermaid story, in which Ariel and her sassy crab friend, Sebastian, overcome the wicked sea witch, and Ariel swims off to marry the man of her dreams. In Hans Christian Andersen’s original tale, however, the title character can only come on land to be with the handsome prince if she drinks a potion that makes it feel like she is walking on knives at all times. She does, and you would expect her selfless act to end with the two of them getting married. Nope. The prince marries a different woman, and the Little Mermaid throws herself into the sea, where her body dissolves into seam foam.
Muddled Thinking ?
Happy Birthday to yourself Dude !
