"I'm writing this new story in which the hero shaves off his pubic hair"
"But"
"Hush ! I'm talking.For many days his dick..."
"Penis !"
"Penis , dick,whatever looks entirely alien to him.Not that he hasn't seen aliens , but his dick looks like a hybrid chimera of a baby elephant trunk and a turkey neck with wattles"
"But"
"I'm still talking.
So , He is very proud of his new accomplishment.Everyday he stands in front of the mirror and jumps up and down.He imagines that he is now a porn star like TT Boy or Peter North who have steel peckers that can ram endlessly into any orifice"
"But"
"Okay , go ahead, but you are very rude to be interrupting me this way "
"But , I thought angels didn't have any .."
"That's where you are wrong.Angels were built with precision and perfection.God did not build us out of his own image.That's a fallacy.In fact God first built the angels, sort of prototypes, who were perfect in every way .They have all the organs in perfect proportions"
"Hey ! I once saw about an angel with eight vaginas in HBO"
"Shut Up ! There are no angels with eight vaginas.After all we are talking about god here.He's not some mad scientist "
"But, I've heard of these girls in thailand with 'Vagina Dentata'.You know teeth inside their...you know what ...they can slice cucumbers, break razor blades and reduce cigars to mere stubs in three puffs with their you know whats.
Hey ! I remember a joke once I heard a friend say.You know , there is this man who is convinced of that his wifey's you know what has teeth and they will bite his thingie off if he tried to ...you know...consumnate his marriage and "
"Shut up ! How dare you utter vile jokes ! You are angering the Gods"
"But I thought you were an atheist that you don't believe in god "
"Hush,even the great French mathematician Blaise Pascal reckoned that, however long the odds against God's existence might be, there is an even larger asymmetry in the penalty for guessing wrong. You'd better believe in God, because if you are right you stand to gain eternal
bliss and if you are wrong it won't make any difference anyway. On the other hand, if you don't believe in God and you turn out to be
wrong you get eternal damnation, whereas if you are right it makes no difference. On the face of it the decision is a no-brainer. So I have decided to Believe in God."
"So now you are a coward like Pascal"
"No there is more proof.Remember the old man in Aldous Huxley's Point Counter Point who discovered a mathematical proof of the
existence of God.You know the formula, m over nought equals infinity, m being any positive number? Well, why not reduce the
equation to a simpler form by multiplying both sides by nought. In which case you have m equals infinity times
nought. That is to say that a positive number is the product of zero and infinity. Doesn't that demonstrate the
creation of the universe by an infinite power out of nothing?
Doesn't it? Doesn't It ?"
"Your'e losing it dude"
"Not really.We have from times immemorial attributed godlike qualities to often inanimate or intangible agents and sometimes counterintuitively to inferior animals.
J. Anderson Thomson, from his perspective as an evolutionary psychiatrist, points to an
additional reason, the psychological bias that we all have towards personifying inanimate objects as agents. As Thomson says, we are
more inclined to mistake a shadow for a burglar than a burglar for a shadow. A false positive might be a waste of time. A false negative
could be fatal. He suggested that, in our ancestral past, our greatest challenge in our environment came from each other.
'The legacy of that is the default assumption, often fear, of human intention. We have a great deal of difficulty seeing anything
other than human causation.' We naturally generalized that to divine intention.We need god to cover up our basic inabilities in many areas .
Inability to understand the universe, inability to predict the outcome , inability to predict the future,inability to fight with the elements etc etc."
"We also need someone to relate to .Someone almost human , yet divine.Carl Sagan put it well: '. . . if by "God" one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe, then clearly thereis such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying . . . it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity."
"Okay , you convinced me .I too have decided to believe in god.So tell me more about your angel"
"Okay , now if you know a little about catholic mythology we have the four Choirs of Angelic Hosts, arrayed in nine orders: Seraphim, Cherubim, Thrones, Dominions, Virtues,Powers, Principalities, Archangels (heads of all hosts), and just plain old Angels, including our closest friends, the ever-watchful
Guardian Angels. What impresses me about Catholic mythology is partly its tasteless kitsch but mostly the airy nonchalance with
which these people make up the details as they go along. It is just shamelessly invented.
So my angel is a non-union angel.He is not affliliated with any god or religion.He is a loosley theistic angel.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's remind ourselves of the terminology. A theist believes in a supernatural intelligence who, in addition to his main work of creating the universe in the first place, is still around to oversee and influence the subsequent fate of his initial creation. In many theistic belief systems, the deity is intimately involved in human affairs. He
answers prayers; forgives or punishes sins; intervenes in the world by performing miracles; frets about good and bad deeds, and
knows when we do them (or even think of doing them). A deist, too, believes in a supernatural intelligence, but one whose activities
were confined to setting up the laws that govern the universe in the first place. The deist God never intervenes thereafter, and certainly
has no specific interest in human affairs. Pantheists don't believe in a supernatural God at all, but use the word God as a nonsupernatural
synonym for Nature, or for the Universe, or for the lawfulness that governs its workings. Deists differ from theists in
that their God does not answer prayers, is not interested in sins or confessions, does not read our thoughts and does not intervene
with capricious miracles. Deists differ from pantheists in that the deist God is some kind of cosmic intelligence, rather than
the pantheist's metaphoric or poetic synonym for the laws of the universe. Pantheism is sexed-up atheism. Deism is watered-down
theism.So angels have their place only in a theistic realm."
"What else is going on for your angel ?"
"Well , since he isn't associated with any religion , he is free to wear any kind of clothes.He chooses to wear a cowboy outfit with the usual ten-gallon, or broad-brimmed hat that shields his head from sun and rain, a kerchief pulled over the lower part of his face which protects it from dust, tight pants faced with leather chaps protect his legs from insects and brush, and boots with high heels prevent his feet from slipping out of the stirrups.He also carries a revolver and a lariat, or lasso, made fast to the saddle horn for roping cattle "
"I guess he calls himself John Wayne "
"Your'e right.God created him with a purpose, but never named him.So instead of having names like azipharael or hypnotael , he decided that John Wayne was much cooler"
"Hey, God did not forget to give him a name.I'm sure"
"Of course,God cannot forget.But he moves in mysterious ways .His mysterious ways have been suitably demonstrated by a hypothesis, which in a sentence explains why his word(gita, bible, koran) do not match with archaelogical proof. Or why dinosaurs are extinct , or why birds can fly "
"Or pigs cannot ! So what is this hypothesis ?"
"I'm coming to that.Let me go off tangent this once.I once had written about Capt.Dhoomketu, a celestial navigator, the master onboard S.S Chandrayana who met god as he left the Solar System.
Yes , Capt.Dhoomketu was delighted that God was indeed looking at them , at every one , every second , dealing out justice and destiny to every one .
God was called Rupert Murdoch.
He had a celestial Fox with him which was actually a giant TV station.His Holiness Rupert Murdoch was the creator,producer and director and distributer of the 'HWEUGGHS UGHA1@KLAREEEJK ' which when translated properly into any human language simply reads "The Earth Show'.Reality TV was good for business.
It had 6 billion channels and was growing rapidly !
On free channels , one could could watch the usual crap which dealt with lives of celebrities and sportstars , but if you really wanted the juicy tender meat , you could try Pay-per-view.You could choose any human you wanted and would be able to watch his or her life till the end (which was the unfortunate human's death).
Pay-Per-views were expensive* , but the elite and rich preferred a commoner's life to the empty vacuous life of a celebrity.
(* only 34 crudillions per human;Special Vernal Equinox Discount -buy two get one absolutely free ! Hurry Hurry .Offer Valid till stocks last)
Rupert Murdoch had an earthly counterpart , a human manifestation of the heavenly Rupert Murdoch.Earth Rupert Murdoch (henceforth known as ERM ) was the god of small things, viz Earth ,Moon,Mercury ,Venus, Mars (But not the little green men on Mars) and the asteroid belt (which he inetended to crash into earth on a later date) & moons of jupiter.(Capt.Dhoomketu now knew How Murdoch topped the forbes list almost every year)
Celestial Rupert Murdoch was on the other hand theGod of all the other things within the solar system other than that owned by his subsidiary corporate entity ERM.
"Ha ha .Was that story supposed to be funny ?It bored me to tears.I think that for you everything is a farce."
"Its true.Life is a tragicomical farce.Believe me, thats how it looks like when you are sufficiently detached from it .Kurt Vonnegut was the king of farce. His ' Breakfast of champions' is a perfect example.Once you read it you'll find that Kilgore Trout meets his maker i.e Kurt Vonnegut himself .There are references to shaved beavers and assholes throughout this one hell of a farce majeure.I was sufficiently inspired by his writings to write this angel story."
"Also , my angel masturbates a lot.I'll explain why in the story.(hint: He is trying to live.He is trying to kill himself.)He has different grips ...."
"But what about the God hypothesis ?"
"Oh Yeah , God hypothesis...it is covered in a sentence, but it explains a lot."
"This is it .The God Hypothesis.Write it down somewhere."
"Yeah , Yeah , Go on , tell me "
"Are you sure ?"
"I'm sure "
"Positive ?"
"Tell me the goddamned hypothesis, oops sorry god "
"Ok .Here it is "
"GOD IS INEFFABLE"
"What ?WTF ?Are you kidding me ?You mother#$%$^......."
