1. An Army of monkeys
I know what you are thinking… but hear me out. Monkeys are expert shit-flingers. I’m by no means an expert on aliens but I am sure they don’t like to have shit flung at them. Lasers are no match for excrement; all they do is make it hot, stink more, and splatter. We all know aliens use lasers and nothing else. The monkey army will render their weapons useless and they will turn tail like the French army in a world war.
2. Offer them our leaders if they will go away
We kill two birds with one stone here; we get rid of the aliens and the people who fucked up our planet in the first place. Hey… sometimes a leader must sacrifice for the good of the people. That’s the bullshit line we will feed them anyways. Important: when the aliens come to drop them back off – you can bet they will – we are going to have to turn off all the lights and just act like we aren’t here.
3. Threaten them with disturbing porn
The likes of which they have never even fathomed… Imagine an army of fur-clad Star Trek geeks on Segways charging the mother ship… not to fight, but to make ugly, dirty, perverted, stinky, nasty man-love all over the alien troopers. This group of brave but sick fucks will most likely get blasted out of existence and the aliens will decide maybe they don’t want the Earth after all. Win-win.
4. Send them some free crack as a peace offering
We can tell them it is what our species calls “apples” and it is tradition to offer it to our conquerors. Of course they will come back for more. That’s when we replace their "apples" with anthrax marinated in bleach mixed with some bad heroin. If they come back for more of that shit we need to find out what the hell they smoke on their own planet and get some of it stat.
5. Trick them with a spam email
Tell them our name is Mr. Abdul Rasheed, the true king of Nigeria, and we can give them all the earths’ riches if only they give us their social security number, credit card number, and $50 as a transaction fee. After they find out they got ripped off they will be too owned to continue on with their invasion and go home ashamed and ridiculed.
6. Another monkey idea
We can hide in caves and let monkeys live in our houses until the aliens come down and destroy them all. The aliens will be satisfied we are dead because all primates look alike to them. As soon as they leave we can clean up the monkey guts and go about our business. It is foolproof; except we may not have enough caves for everyone. Some people may have to just stand really still and hope not to get noticed…
7. Let them try to govern us for a while
After they see the kind of mess we have made with our systems of government they will pack up their panties and head home faster than you can say “ET just stole my god damn bicycle!” The paperwork alone involved in such a takeover would be a nightmare of such epic proportions that if they did stay they would be too busy for at least the next few centuries to give us any kind of problems at all. Who knows, they might even fix something…
8. Scare them away with our superior bullshit
Aliens really do not want to have anything to do with us if they have even a shred of decency or honor in their entire race. We will just commercialize it. All humans know how to do is talk each other into fucking things up. Maybe that is why the rest of the universe doesn’t try to make contact with us. We’re the unwanted assholes of the galaxy. Ah well... fuck them. They aren't human they don't matter.
9. Trade them our planet for their spaceships
Fuck it. Take the planet. It’s already half broken anyways. Give us those spaceships. Think of the destruction we could cause then. Screw invading Iraq; let’s go blow up Jupiter! Let’s find some poor peace-loving people and threaten them with lasers if they don’t agree to buy our pornographic videos and genetically enhanced vegetable products. If you can’t beat the invading aliens, might as well become the invading aliens.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth
HIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY...
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against fire, among other things. Within a month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first
premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the
lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,
citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed
the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued..
and WON!
(Stay with me.) delivering the ruling, the judge
agreed with the insurance company that the claim was
frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer "held a policy from the company which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000
to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the
"fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the
check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24
counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against
him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in
the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate to say, but this isn't true...
http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp
According to snopes.com:
And BRAD PAISLEY Wrote a song in 2003....
Also, BRAD PAISLEY grew up about 10 miles from me.. He was also beat several years ago in a local Karaoke contest by someone that worked at the radio station where my wife now works..
AND if HE ends up DEAD, don't blame me...I just wanted to get that out of the way, just in case...
BRAD PAISLEY LYRICS
"The Cigar Song"
Well I'm a sucker for fine Cuban cigars
The problem is I can't afford 'em
But last year I went and got myself a whole box
And just to be safe I insured 'em
[Chorus]
I took out a policy against fire and theft
And then I hurried home
With a thirty-cent lighter I sat on my back steps
And I smoked 'em one by one
Two weeks later I went to see that insurance man
And I handed in my claim
With a straight face I told him that through a series of small fires
They'd all gone up in flames
[2nd Chorus]
They reviewed my case and they had no choice
But to pay me for what I'd done
And I took that check and bought a whole new box
And I smoked 'em one by one
Two weeks later this detective shows up
Tells me that company's pressin' charges
One speedy trial later they locked me up
On twenty-four separate counts of arson
[3rd Chorus]
And now I sit and I stare at a blank brick wall
Lookin' back on what I've done
To pass the time I've got some ten-cent cigars
And I smoke 'em one by one
Yeah, I smoke 'em one by one
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against fire, among other things. Within a month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first
premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the
lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,
citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed
the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued..
and WON!
(Stay with me.) delivering the ruling, the judge
agreed with the insurance company that the claim was
frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer "held a policy from the company which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000
to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the
"fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the
check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24
counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against
him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in
the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate to say, but this isn't true...
http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp
According to snopes.com:
And BRAD PAISLEY Wrote a song in 2003....
Also, BRAD PAISLEY grew up about 10 miles from me.. He was also beat several years ago in a local Karaoke contest by someone that worked at the radio station where my wife now works..
AND if HE ends up DEAD, don't blame me...I just wanted to get that out of the way, just in case...
BRAD PAISLEY LYRICS
"The Cigar Song"
Well I'm a sucker for fine Cuban cigars
The problem is I can't afford 'em
But last year I went and got myself a whole box
And just to be safe I insured 'em
[Chorus]
I took out a policy against fire and theft
And then I hurried home
With a thirty-cent lighter I sat on my back steps
And I smoked 'em one by one
Two weeks later I went to see that insurance man
And I handed in my claim
With a straight face I told him that through a series of small fires
They'd all gone up in flames
[2nd Chorus]
They reviewed my case and they had no choice
But to pay me for what I'd done
And I took that check and bought a whole new box
And I smoked 'em one by one
Two weeks later this detective shows up
Tells me that company's pressin' charges
One speedy trial later they locked me up
On twenty-four separate counts of arson
[3rd Chorus]
And now I sit and I stare at a blank brick wall
Lookin' back on what I've done
To pass the time I've got some ten-cent cigars
And I smoke 'em one by one
Yeah, I smoke 'em one by one
NEW RULES FOR 2007:
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
The Real Man Quiz
Note: All "real men" answered "C" to all of these questions.
Knowing this, women will have come to understanding men and enriching their own
lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows
the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and
the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. Never mind.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
Knowing this, women will have come to understanding men and enriching their own
lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows
the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and
the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. Never mind.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
All this Bloggery...
A cynic said "All this blogerry is like modern poetry : more people want to write it than read it "
So here's something that I wrote...no , let me rephrase it ...I don't write poetry , it sometimes overflows and spills out of my brain (I guess its an errant right hemisphere thing )
Mirror Mirror on the world
Does the mirror lie ?
Or is it a parlour trick
played by the minds eye ?
Tell me , Oh , tell me why ?
pretty me a sometime ago ,
why am I now ugly shy ?
The days are getting longer ,
stretching in the sand,
The time it seems to drip
and killing me softly
with this one way ego trip
where my mirrored world is
my own opposite
Does the mirror lie ?
Or is it the mind's eye ?
today I was satisfied
but tomorrow is high and dry
today's heart seemed pure and true
and tomorrow's just another lie
Why does the mirror lie ?
Maybe its another parlour trick
played by the bloody mind's eye !
For better or verse ( Ha ha ! ) , and for no rhyme or reason I give to you my encore presentation !
If you were a song
If you were a song
what would you be?
a happy go lucky jingle
or a haunting melody ?
Would you sail across the stars
or pine for your lover
or go dancing in the rains
smiling at long lost memories ?
Would you tell me your story
in a guitar riff or a blues bar
your rockstar history
in a barre chord
or a twisted melody ?
If you were a song
what would you be?
stop and think...
and answer me , please
If you were a song ,
what would you be ?
p.s. The poem "Mirror mirror on the wall " was originally a haiku.
Well... it had that 5-7-5 format , but then I decided it had to tell more , so I destroyed my haiku and rewrote it )
So here's something that I wrote...no , let me rephrase it ...I don't write poetry , it sometimes overflows and spills out of my brain (I guess its an errant right hemisphere thing )
Mirror Mirror on the world
Does the mirror lie ?
Or is it a parlour trick
played by the minds eye ?
Tell me , Oh , tell me why ?
pretty me a sometime ago ,
why am I now ugly shy ?
The days are getting longer ,
stretching in the sand,
The time it seems to drip
and killing me softly
with this one way ego trip
where my mirrored world is
my own opposite
Does the mirror lie ?
Or is it the mind's eye ?
today I was satisfied
but tomorrow is high and dry
today's heart seemed pure and true
and tomorrow's just another lie
Why does the mirror lie ?
Maybe its another parlour trick
played by the bloody mind's eye !
For better or verse ( Ha ha ! ) , and for no rhyme or reason I give to you my encore presentation !
If you were a song
If you were a song
what would you be?
a happy go lucky jingle
or a haunting melody ?
Would you sail across the stars
or pine for your lover
or go dancing in the rains
smiling at long lost memories ?
Would you tell me your story
in a guitar riff or a blues bar
your rockstar history
in a barre chord
or a twisted melody ?
If you were a song
what would you be?
stop and think...
and answer me , please
If you were a song ,
what would you be ?
p.s. The poem "Mirror mirror on the wall " was originally a haiku.
Well... it had that 5-7-5 format , but then I decided it had to tell more , so I destroyed my haiku and rewrote it )
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Man Room Essentials
Every Man should have his own private retreat. It should be a place where testosterone rules and interior decorating consists of leather and dark plaid flannel. This room is where a man can occasionally go to escape feminine influences and femi-drama annoyances--a place where men can be men with no excuses.
Here is what you need:
A big-ass television.
And I mean BIG. Nothing below 60 inches will be suitable. Ideally, it will be a 72 inch Plasma, wall mounted with some kick-ass surround sound and a subwoofer that sets off seismographs in a 3 county area. Man movies only.
A bar with a beer-keg refrigerator.
I’ve seen them. I want one. I have a dream. Nothing speaks to the heart of a man like having tap beer as available as tap water. What good is 72 inches of Plasma running that pay-per-view caged martial-arts match without beer readily available on demand?
A $6,000 computer.
A great release of testosterone comes from hunting down your friends and killing them in your favorite first-person shooter, then screaming “PWNED” at the top of your lungs and laughing in a manly way. How can any self-respecting man get by with second-rate processors? You can’t. And don’t talk to me about your Wii, please--console games are for pussies. Note: This man-computer will have to be replaced at least every 4 to 6 months to stay on top of technological advances.
A 1 gigabit per second internet connection.
Lag sucks in gaming. I want to know when I blow up my friends tank as soon as it happens. And besides, when a man wants his porn, bandwidth shall not be a restriction.
A private bathroom.
This bathroom must be equipped with the newest and most powerful turbo-assisted flushing technologies. It also must have an exhaust fan capable of moving 1,000 cubic feet or air per minute.
Of course, individual preferences vary, but these are the essentials.
Here is what you need:
A big-ass television.
And I mean BIG. Nothing below 60 inches will be suitable. Ideally, it will be a 72 inch Plasma, wall mounted with some kick-ass surround sound and a subwoofer that sets off seismographs in a 3 county area. Man movies only.
A bar with a beer-keg refrigerator.
I’ve seen them. I want one. I have a dream. Nothing speaks to the heart of a man like having tap beer as available as tap water. What good is 72 inches of Plasma running that pay-per-view caged martial-arts match without beer readily available on demand?
A $6,000 computer.
A great release of testosterone comes from hunting down your friends and killing them in your favorite first-person shooter, then screaming “PWNED” at the top of your lungs and laughing in a manly way. How can any self-respecting man get by with second-rate processors? You can’t. And don’t talk to me about your Wii, please--console games are for pussies. Note: This man-computer will have to be replaced at least every 4 to 6 months to stay on top of technological advances.
A 1 gigabit per second internet connection.
Lag sucks in gaming. I want to know when I blow up my friends tank as soon as it happens. And besides, when a man wants his porn, bandwidth shall not be a restriction.
A private bathroom.
This bathroom must be equipped with the newest and most powerful turbo-assisted flushing technologies. It also must have an exhaust fan capable of moving 1,000 cubic feet or air per minute.
Of course, individual preferences vary, but these are the essentials.
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