Momentum

I can feel it building.

Negative Momentum of Sociability.

Just a fancy schmanzy term for what's going on with me right now.

Its just a phase...one that comes and goes every now and then.

A phase where I simply eschew all social contact - retreat into my cave and hibernate.

But the momentum is building.

The more I distance myself, the faster the vortex spins-spiralling- sucking me inside -farther and farther away.

I want to break free.

How long has it been? More than a week...maybe a month.I look at her phone number as if it were the only thing that could save me.

No doubt, it has worked before.

She's been saving me without even knowing  it... always there,arms wide open.

Even now as she sleeps, I could wake her up and still hear her smile.

Maybe I'll call her tomorrow, I tell myself,like I'm in no hurry.

But doubt creeps in...Where is all this going? Does she know what's on my mind? Do I know what she wants? How will all this end?

The cave is cold...so cold it induces a narcoleptic sleep and sluggish inactivity.

Her words have fire and glowing embers of warmth - they can thaw,wake me up inside...or so I believe.Even placebos can be all powerful.

But I'm afraid my momentum is too great to resist.What if...

I'm a juggernaut incapable of being stopped.

I find myself in invisible mode,avoiding a sea of people who might want to contact.

A pseudo-hermit in practice of absence.

True absence -an existence in vacuum.

All my excuses are extinct.I have no reason to procrastinate but procrastination itself.

I type her number...hesitate...cancel...castigate myself.

Coward! Spineless Weakling! Fucking Moron!

It's just a call.

No it's not.

It might pull me out of the vortex.

It might just save my life.

And I might not want it.

And Then What?