Forgiveness

Forgiveness has always been impossible.

Because I cannot forget, I cannot forgive.

But I don't bear a grudge.

It's far too draining to harbor hatred or resentment for eons.

What I do is practice Passive Unforgiveness.

It's simple.

It is cold and effective.

I deny your existence in my map of reality.

I erase you out of my existence.

That's it.



I remember.

My childhood friends. The ones I grew up with.

Someone among them broke my dog's leg.

I never found out who.

They used a bat.

I remember the blood curdling yelp that pierced the silent night.

The hind foot was broken, with the bones shattered beyond repair and the
broken foot dangling by a thin thread of tissue.

She was in unbearable agony for days and had to limp for the rest of her
life.

But what was worse was she had lost her faith in humans.

She'd shiver at the sight of humans and slink away simpering silently in
fear.

Even the gentlest touch would cause her to yelp in pain.



Then they tried to bully me into putting the dog to sleep.

(It's Funny how I could never bring myself to call her a bitch. Maybe it's
because I loved her)

They failed miserably, for they were a just bunch of riff raffs.



I suddenly woke up and saw how low my so called friends could stoop.



It wasn't really a difficult decision.



I erased them out of my existence.

All of them.





They don't exist anymore, but sometimes they try to get in touch.

I deny permission.

Frozen ghosts and woolly mammoths cannot make contact with the living.

The ice has not thawed.

The ice age is still upon us.

And between us.

They remain in stasis.Un-forgiven.



Sometimes letting go is harder because your heart is involved.

Some ghosts are relentless.

They invade your dreams, the one place which you have no conscious control
over.

I've been having these recurring dreams of this friend whom I had removed
from existence.

The dreams are increasing in frequency and duration. If it's an attempt to
communicate, then it is a message, that either one of us is not ready to be
removed from each other's existence.

But the living cannot touch ghosts and ghosts cannot whisper to the living.

Not when I decide.

Not when they remain un-forgiven.

Not when I deny permission.

But those dreams...those dreams, they are so painful because I remember
everything when I wake up.

But I want to remember none of it.

In These dreams I'm participating in the other's life, and sometimes forced
into the position of an observer of the everyday mundanity and commonness of
that life, and it is heart wrenching.

The ache and the gravitational pull are overwhelming.



Letting go is harder when the heart is involved.



So I tell the heart to shut up and listen to the crystal iciness of the
unforgiving mind.

The mind remembers coldness, thus it can be unforgiving , while the heart
remembers only heat , so it can love, hate or froth in rage.



Unforgiveness needs frigidity, just like love needs warmth.

Hate, born at the seat of the heart in heat, is love's polar opposite.

What heats up must cool down or else explode and self-destruct.

I don't want either to happen.



But when the chill subsides , all that is left is tepid indifference.

And that's what I aim for.



I don't believe in New Year resolutions.

If you really wanted to change, you wouldn't wait till the end of the year
and then consciously decide to change.



But If I were to make a New Year Resolution, It would be me asking to learn
the art of forgetfulness and the art of forgiveness.






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