Hurt

I spend hours and days
planning in ways
to hurt you
the way you hurt me...

Is this not True Love?

To think that I am not going to think of you anymore is still thinking of you...
Let me then try not to think that I'm not going to think of you.

It's futile. So I've given up.


A dangerous creature of beauty ,you are
perhaps with a coal-tar heart
for I've never seen it in love
except perhaps with itself


All the pain that I feel now stems from non acceptance,
Non acceptance of the fact that you don't really love me,
And that all this is just a game for you.
For You feed on the power
got from making people fall in love with you.

And then pushing them away.

How many more
have met the same fate before ?
In your defense ,
I expect a steely cold silence.

It's pathetic, now that I see it,
but I've spent more than my fair share of time obsessing on all the things
you have done to wrong me ,
and all the things I want to do
to get back at you.

I've prepared

Hot words & cold shoulders,
tepid indifference,
deafening silences,
sharp stinging barbs and rebukes honed to a deadly precision,

Just waiting for your next mistake.

I spend hours making imaginary arguments
where you admit defeat
and beg forgiveness,
and in one moment drunk on the high of victory ,
I deny it.

It feels so GOOD ,
but SO Wrong.

Why do we want to hurt the people we love the most ?
Is it because only they have the power to hurt us too ?

But in my heart of hearts I know the day will never come when I'll hurt you.I cannot.
I'm weak , I admit.
I've failed .
That too I admit.

But that's not what you want.
I know.
I know what you want.
But the moment I give in, I lose everything, and more importantly I lose myself.

Which I cannot let happen.


It was practically raining disappointments on the night I lied to you.

What a wonderful imagery the above sentence has.
"It was practically raining disappointments"...I stole this line from someone much more talented than me.
I told him I would...

One of these days , eventually you have to give me what I want. (I stole this line from him too. Yes I'm a hack and a faker)
No?
If not , I'll take my heart somewhere else(but not this line)



It was practically raining disappointments on the night I lied to you,
And I was getting drenched in falsehood
waiting to get struck by lightning


but you knew it & I knew it,
That It was finally over
What was left was an artifice of civility

Now

Only an artifice remains.

To think that I am not going to think of you anymore is still thinking of you .
I know.
I constantly wrestle with my thoughts.

But now, I'll suffer in silence.


And when we meet ,which I'm sure we will
All that was said will be there still
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue
And you will think that I've moved on. (I stole this from "White Flag", Dido. Yes I'm a liar and a thief too)


p.s. This is the last time I'll be writing to you.
I promise.(cross my heart and hope to die)