Male Bonding:Yellow Monkey

Fact :Yellow Monkey exists in reality .It is a small bar situated in Yosu , South Korea.Try Googling it sometime.
          No yellow monkeys were harmed during the making of this post.

Fact: The Author does not smoke.Hates it amongst other things.

Fact:The Author is a self confessed compulsive liar.This is true, If you choose to believe it.

Fact:All the above are true ,
          depending on what reality you choose to accept.
           It's your drug of choice.
          The blue pill or the red pill.
           It's your drug of choice, your choice of reality.

So here we go again ...

The thing I most hate about alcohol is the company I have to endure.

Give a drunk a sympathetic ear and he'll tear it off and keep it for himself , my uncle used to say.

No , not really . My uncle said something in the lines of ' give a drunk a sympathetic ear and he'll bore you to tears'.

My uncle wasn't much of a writer, or a thinker .
Not much of anything really.
He died recently.
I hate him for what he did to his family.

As I was saying 'give a drunk a sympathetic ear and he'll tear it off and keep it for himself'.

(I may not be much of a writer or a thinker or much of anything , but  I wont be dying of liver cirrhosis and abandoning my family,at least).

Open the inebriated pandora's box at your own risk.
The outpour results in a ridiculous deluge.
Accomplishments-real and imagined , regrets-for things done and not done , usually not done , rage against slights and offences when there were none, empty boasts stacked upon a pack of lies- all come out of the previously constipated , now alcohol laxated sphincter of the mind .

But this is where real male bonding takes place.
But this is where macho men break down and weep , hug each other and exchange' I love you man' s with each other and mean it .
As the old joke goes , drinking makes you talk more , weep , feel bloated , drive badly, argue pointlessly etc....
i.e it makes you a woman.

So why do men enjoy such routine emasculation ?

I don't know.But I hate the entire experience.

What I hate about alcohol is the loss of control: physical and mental.I hate not being in control of myself and being  under someone else's influence.

So I do what I best know.
I fight .
I fight really hard to regain control over my motor system , my senses and my impulses - effectively ruining the intended effect of intoxication.

So there we are , me and him , in the Yellow Monkey.
That's the name of the lounge bar .It was the strange name that  made us venture into this place.It is slightly upmarket.(No yellow monkeys to be found anywhere.)The clientele are wearing buisiness suits and stylish blazers and everyone looks like he or she has had a facial , manicure and pedicure recently.
We on the other hand are wearing our standard jeans & T-shirt combos, are un-shaven , un-combed , possibly smelling bad: like the bourgeois  crap we are.
                                         We are the only foriegners there , the odd couple - a self professed teetotaler and a self confessed alcohol abuser ,  seated on a comfy lounging sofa overlooking the busy streets , busy smoking and drinking ~ imbibing one poison after the other and spitting out pure venom tinged with bittersweet nostalgia.
The world has betrayed , hurt and deceived us many times and therefore we imbibe large amounts of noxious fermented liquids that make us giddy .
This is how we get back at the unjust and uncaring world.
Up yours Universe ! Yeah !

Its cold.
               My hands are so cold and numb that I wince and fumble every time I urinate.

I notice I've got goosebumps all over.Dotted for pleasure ;)

My life is a transient one , in a constant state of flux.A few days ago it was so hot , humid and sticky that you had peel your dick off your balls(if you had one) before taking a leak.But here it is so cold that it has been many days since my last hard-on and then there's that famous shrinkage...No one will believe what a whopper I've got thanks to shrinkage !

George Costanza was right .
You never want to get caught with your pants down when you've got shrinkage.

                                               Yet we see brave (vain ? fashion conscious?) young women in impossibly short skirts and almost nothing else (with that I mean 'No stockings').Here we are wearing three layers of winter wear and still shivering miserably and there they are : unflinching and unusually comfortable.

The drunk mind is the devil's workshop  .Also an idle mind ,the crazy mind, the overly ambitious mind and so on.
It seems that the devils sets up her workshop everywhere possible.
(What ? You think the devil is a man ?Think Again. God on the other hand is a man.If he were a woman , all the men in the world would have been destroyed long long ago , leaving only asexually reproducing women ,  using mitosis and meiosis to proliferate)

I have to remind you ,my friend and I are LUI.( Lounging Under Influence).
(I'm also WUI, i.e Writing ...)
It is certainly not a crime , but sometimes the devils workshop in the intoxicated mind creates strange concoctions of weird hormones and chemicals that tend to give to imbiber what they call ' liquid courage'.
My friend is almost out of control and I am fighting to gain some of it.
He's staring at her  bare thighs while shivering.
She is wearing an impossibly high skirt , has an anime doll face that looks deadly cute.She's sitting in a corner drinking what I believe to be Steaming Hot Cocoa and minding her own business .
My friends eyes were following her all the way from outside .She is not even wearing a coat , he remarks .
An evil grin creeps slowly across his face .(No doubt , he's under the influence of the devil).He whispers to methat he has some questions for her and that he will go to her and feel her thighs and find out if those yummy thighs are generating any unusual amount of heat which enables her to be comfortably warm in such cold climes.

I'm afraid he'll actually do it.
And get beaten .
Korea's national sport is Tae-Kwon-Do.
The last thing he'd want is to molest a tae-kwon-do expert and get knocked out by a roundhouse kick to his alcohol soaked head...
But lucky for him,he wont feel a thing for he's comfortably numb.(and dumb ?)

But he'll get me beaten up too , I'm afraid.
I'm not that numb that I wont feel a thing.
And I don't want to be beaten up nothing.
I didn't eve tease nobody.
Atleast let me feel her warm thighs if you are going to beat me up.(She does have a great pair of legs , worthy of showing off in whatever weather she feels like showing it off) (Atleast Give me something if your'e going to beat me up !)

So I'd rather run away and live another day.Die a hero , or live as a coward...many men have come across this rubicon that decided their self worth , character , their future , their everything...

A 100 watt bulb flashes on top of my head. TING !
That's not the sound of the bulb.That's actually a toaster I'm using to make my toast .It's smeared with peanut butter and jelly fish.mmmmmm.....yummy.

As the bulb flashed , I knew what I had to do to avert a potential disaster.

"Quick ! Yellow Monkey ! " I said pointing nowhere in particular.
Alcohol is a depressant.It took him some time to follow what I said.
He slowly turned his head towards where I pointed .
"Huh ! Wh-What , where...?!" he said.
"You gotta be quick man .You just missed it."
"Huh , You shitting me man ?, I'm nosh thasshh drunk "
"Yeah sure ...Whoa , look at that !, There it is ! " I pointed elsewhere...
He turned slowly"Wh-where...?!?!"

While his eyes were off her , I had to do something to avert the crisis.

I knew I'd hate myself for what I was going to do next,but it was for everyone's best.I'm sure she'd forgive me if she knew the circumstances.I'm sure she knows I'm a decent man acting under unusual & dire circumstances .
I'm sure she'll like for who I really am.(Tell me , who's more drunk , me or my friend ?)

 l positioned myself in her line of sight and locked my eyes onto hers.(It was the devil making me do it, I swear).

I made a clucking sound , grabbing her attention.

She saw me see her .

I had to act fast.
I clucked again , making sure I got her full attention.
I gave her an exaggerated wink , and mouthed silently " YOU AND ME GIRL ,YOU AND ME " and made  silly pouty smooching faces at her as I  took a huge swig of beer and grinned lasciviously.

Please God (Devil?) , let this work ...Let this work...

Sure enough , she got up , her face filled with disgust ,  left in a huff.

Whew !

"Hey, hey She's leaving , she's leaving ..." My friend said ,"I had sho-o-o-o many quessshuns" he slurred.
"I'm sure you did .Hey ! Want another beer ? Its on me !"

"Hey , where's the yellow monkey ?" he asked , still remembering.
"I think it was the Yellow monkey which made her leave " I said  trying hard not to smile.