Dead Inside

03/01/2008

I will have to note down the date somewhere because this was the day I died.

Late in the evening I was showering with the hot water in full blast.The entire bathroom had steamed up .The steaming water sprayed mercilessly , heating the body , numbing the senses.Closing my eyes , I stuck my head under the shower head.

Searing hot pinpricks of steaming water.
Oblivion.
Bliss of numbness.
I'm lovin' it !

Something prompted me to look into the mirror.As I cleared the steamed up surface , a lifeless face stared back at me , with empty eyes.A surprising revelation came to me - Something had just died inside me today.

I walked out , dazed ,naked, dripping water all over the floor, and began writing this.

I realize this was not the first time it had happened.I was dead inside before.I shower thrice daily , just so that the dead does not stink up the place.HA HA ! Pathetic attempts at being funny aside , I realized I was dead inside before.
But it is a phoenix...it dies and regenerates, only to die again and complete the circle of life.

I'm a zombie , an android , a soulless beast.

"It's for your own good " whispers a raspy , voice in my head.I've never heard this voice before...or Maybe I have , one of those nights , waking up and screaming, ."Duck , Duck , Feint , Feint , Jab , Jab , Left Hook , Right uppercut , Block , Block ,Block...BANG ! You're DEAD ! ...Now play possum , my dear ...." the voice rasps again.

Time is a healer .Time moves on .Time don't wait for anyone.
All it takes is a little time for the phoenix to arise, to soar with my soul, make me light inside.
Strangely the emptiness is comforting - it gives me more space to hide inside.

"Time is a healer"rasps the voice.

Time is an illusion.Nonexistent - I argue.The voice remains silent.

I'm left alone.
I'm empty.
I'm Numb.

I'm a zombie , an android , a soulless beast.

I'm dead.

I'm waiting.