Comedy - Azhar Usman. Muslim Comedian - enjoy this guy - he is very funny.
More here
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Gone Sailing !
Hello Dear Multiply Mates and other mortal creatures alike.
I've had a great time here.
I've learnt a lot here.
I've grown a lot here.
I was very careful when I chose my Multiply Mates.I was selfish.
I read two or three posts by Raknax...Whammo ! I was hooked...'Man , I gotta learn to write like that'
Wonder if he'll want to be my online buddy ?
(He did !)
Same story with Mr.Teh too...
Ms.J just barged in with her witty comments...And I was actually flattered by all her attention....And then I found that she was a really good writer.
'Oh Please, Oh please , Oh Please , Let her be my friend...if not ....at least my Online Buddy'
(She accepted the invitation !)
I thank you all for your support.
There are my silent supporters who would like to remain anonymous...I'd like to thank them too....Without you I wouldn't have grown so much.
And I'd like to thank all the others whose sites I regularly visit.(You Know who you are !) and all those who regularly go through the agony of reading what I write...
Well folks...Its goodbye for now...I'll be sailing for sometime now...My demanding work schedule means that I wont be able to post regularly...But it also means that I'll not be able to read your stuff...Now don't be mad that I didn't read your stuff....its just that I couldn't...
I'll miss you all .I'm still selfish enough to wish that you guys will miss me as much as I miss you.
Damn...That was really sappy...
To make it more manly , lets all look at a bikini babe on a bike...YEAH !
Adios amigos and chicas...But be warned...
I'll Be Back !
I've had a great time here.
I've learnt a lot here.
I've grown a lot here.
I was very careful when I chose my Multiply Mates.I was selfish.
I read two or three posts by Raknax...Whammo ! I was hooked...'Man , I gotta learn to write like that'
Wonder if he'll want to be my online buddy ?
(He did !)
Same story with Mr.Teh too...
Ms.J just barged in with her witty comments...And I was actually flattered by all her attention....And then I found that she was a really good writer.
'Oh Please, Oh please , Oh Please , Let her be my friend...if not ....at least my Online Buddy'
(She accepted the invitation !)
I thank you all for your support.
There are my silent supporters who would like to remain anonymous...I'd like to thank them too....Without you I wouldn't have grown so much.
And I'd like to thank all the others whose sites I regularly visit.(You Know who you are !) and all those who regularly go through the agony of reading what I write...
Well folks...Its goodbye for now...I'll be sailing for sometime now...My demanding work schedule means that I wont be able to post regularly...But it also means that I'll not be able to read your stuff...Now don't be mad that I didn't read your stuff....its just that I couldn't...
I'll miss you all .I'm still selfish enough to wish that you guys will miss me as much as I miss you.
Damn...That was really sappy...
To make it more manly , lets all look at a bikini babe on a bike...YEAH !
Adios amigos and chicas...But be warned...
I'll Be Back !
Non-Sequitur Jokes
What did the blind, deaf, paraplegic boy get for Christmas?
Cancer
---
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
---
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your entire family was killed in a car wreck.
---
So this guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."
---
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
GUSTAPO
---
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.
---
What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Being shot in the head
---
how do you make a mime yell?
throw a brick at his face.
---
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cuz he died.
---
What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Nothing.
---
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken's back.
---
Why was your eye itchy?
Because a spider layed its eggs in your head
---
Why did you feel unwell?
You had the plague
---
How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
They're both purple, except for the rabbit.
---
What did Helen Keller name her dog?
oggkhknmfdsnkmnfdjznfj
---
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
---
A man goes to a grocery store. While he is there, he buys:
bread
cheese
and milk.
So as he is checking out, getting ready to pay, the cashier says: "Hey, you're single, aren't you?"
The man is astonished. "Wow, that's incredible. How did you know that?"
"You're ugly."
---
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One holds groceries, the other molests children.
---
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He didn't. He got hit by a bus.
---
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: One is an edible substance and the other is a person who believes in Judaism.
---
Q: What happened to the elderly old man who liked to play tricks on children?
A: He was stoned to death.
---
Q: What did the florist do when she saw a child picking up a rubber ball outside her store?
A: She ran outside, kicked him in the ribs, and screamed maniacally until the police arrived to detain her.
---
What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
Get in the car.
---
A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.
The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say willytop.
The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.
He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn't that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.
Well, the boy arrives in the principals office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willtop. The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.
Well, the boy went home, to find his parents in the living. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.
Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.
Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says "Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of willytop. what does it mean sir?" The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.
Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.
---
I was walking down the street the other day when this bum comes up to me and says he hasn't had a bite in three days.
So I stabbed him.
---
Q.What did the robot say to the child?
A.Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.
---
Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
Because he was off-duty!
---
Why did the woman lose the beauty contest?
Because she was ugly.
---
why can't the little boy go to school?
he has terminal cancer.
---
Why did Hellen Keller lose her hand?
She tried to read a road sign at 40 miles an hour.
---
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They moved the furniture.
---
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
---
Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face
---
What did the horse say when the guy started spanking his ass?
Nothing...Horses dont talk.
---
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
---
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
---
Why are black people so good at basketball?
because they PRACTICE
---
What do you call a black pilot?
A pilot.
---
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bob."
"Oh, come in."
---
How many Hindu's can you get into a Mini?
4 adults and possibly a small child.
---
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
---
A very rich man had a son. He was very proud of his son. The son was smart and diligent and did well in school.
On the son's 16th birthday, the father went to his son and said "son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you for your 16th birthday."
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 1,000 green golf balls.
The father was taken aback. "But son, that's such a strange request! Might I remind you that I'm VERY rich, and I could buy you ANYTHING your heart desires?!"
But the son was adamant, and his father, though confused, honored his son's request.
Some years later the son graduated from college at the top of his class. His father, once again beaming with pride, came to his son.
"Son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you for your college graduation."
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 2,000 green golf balls.
The father once again was confused, and a bit angry.
"Son, that's a ridiculous request! I'm offering to buy you ANYTHING you want! I'm a very rich man, and almost NOTHING is beyond my requisition! So please, reconsider, and tell me what you REALLY want!"
But the son was adamant, and his father, though bewildered and frustrated, honored his son's request.
Years later, the son, following in his father's footsteps, was a very successful businessman. He'd married a beautiful wife and borne his father many wonderful grandchildren.
One night as they ate dinner in an expensive restaurant, his father said to his son, "son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you in honor of your fantastic success and wonderful family."
Once again without blinking his son asked for 3,000 green golf balls.
Enraged, his father slammed his hands on the table and yelled, "WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY GENEROSITY SO?! FINE; YOU'LL HAVE YOUR STUPID GOLF BALLS, BUT YOU HAVE LOST YOURSELF A FATHER!"
And so the trade was made; the son's strange request for the animosity of his once-doting father.
Several years later, the father and the son not having spoken once since, the father got a call from a hospital informing him that his son had gotten into a terrible car accident and was dying. Forgetting all about his grudge against his son, the father flew down to his son's side in a flash. His son was conscious for the first time in days as his father arrived.
"Son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I'm so sorry for disowning you! I know I never should have! I'm so sorry for the years we've lost! But I must know, son, why did you want all those green golfballs; those wretched orbs that drove us apart?! Surely you had a grand design for them; you're the perfect son and I could not have asked for anything more in the world than you!"
His son, on death's door, looked into his father's eyes and said weakly, "well, father, I-"
And then he died.
---
What do you call a chicken in Antarctica?
Lost.
---
Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?
Because she was an abusive drunk.
---
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was blind, deaf and mute.
---
What's grosser than 10 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Having your skin peeled off.
---
Three women are on an airplane. One's a blonde, ones a red head, one's a brunette. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and their was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety. So the captain said to each of the three ladies, "You can only take one of you're possessions when you parachute out of the plane." The blonde says "I will take my watch becau-" But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.
---
What do you call a hispanic working at pizza hut?
An employee.
---
Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.
---
What was the pirate movie rated?
PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
---
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
---
What do you call a black guy in a convience store?
A customer.
---
Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Which one hits the ground first?
A: It depends on their weight and drag coefficient.
---
Q: How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on a bed?
A: Politely ask him to stop.
---
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they practice.
---
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
Lenny
Oh, ok, come right in, I've been expecting you for hours.
---
One time a boy came home from school and he said to his dad 'Dad I had sex with my teacher.' His dad was like 'Good job.' A few months later the boy died of STDs.
---
Your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.
---
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she lost her arms in a car accident.
---
Why couldn't Sally ride a bike?
Because Sally had Cerebral Palsy.
---
Why did the little boy say his prayers every night?
Because every night at 2A.M. when his dad comes home drunk he hears him beat his mom and wonders when he will be next.
---
Three men walk into a bar. They're all alcoholics, and they beat their wives.
---
Two men were walking along when they came across a set of tracks. The first man said "Deer Tracks!" the second said "Rabbit Tracks!".
While they stood there arguing, the train ran both men over.
---
How do you kill a fox?
Beat it with a stick until its heart stops beating from all the trauma. Death will soon follow.
---
So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.
---
What do you call two blonde girls playing catch?
Softball practice.
---
Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: *Confused expression*
Person 1: Oh thats right your deaf...never mind
---
Why did the child cross the road?
An arsonist set his house ablaze, causing his paraplegic family to die a slow painful fiery death. Their death screams consequently drove the child to madness. A truck hit him, showering the pavement with entrails.
---
Once there was a man who lived with his family in Africa. They were very poor, and never had enough to eat. One day the man said "I'll run in the Olympics and when I win the gold medal, I'll be able to feed my family!"
He practiced and practiced, but then one day he lost both his legs in a lawnmower accident and never walked again.
---
A young man named Bob moves out of his mothers house. He doesn't have much money to make it own his own so he decides to rob a gas station. The manager
of the store has a gun. Bob takes a shotgun blast to the face. He dies.
---
Why is the sky blue?
Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.
---
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It died.
---
Why did the puppy eat rat poison?
Because he was blind.
---
Ask me if I'm an orange.
Are you an orange?
No.
---
Q: How do you know it's bed time at Michael Jaskson's house?
A: When Michael Jackson is tired.
---
Q: What is hard, lasts forever, and is something girls love to have on their body?
A: A diamond.
---
Q: What did the hooker say to the priest?
A: That was a wonderful sermon. I look forward to next Sunday's church service.
---
Your momma's so fat, she bought an issue of Cosmo for an article on breast self-exams but became deeply depressed when bombarded by page after page of images perpetuating an impossible standard of beauty. That night she skipped dinner and cried herself to sleep.
---
Your momma's so fat, she tried to go on the Atkins diet but couldn't make it through the induction phase because her cravings for sweets and complex carbohydrates proved too powerful to overcome.
---
A man is in a car accident, and his genitals are horribly mutilated. When he awakes, the doctor tells him that they can create a new one for him, but it is an expensive operation. The operation costs ?1000 an inch. He is urged to go home and discuss the matter with his wife. The next day, the man comes back looking miserable. The doctor looks at him and asks him what the problem is. "I discussed the matter with my wife and she said she'd prefer a fitted kitchen. So I killed her."
---
Q: Why do women have boobs?
A: To provide milk to feed their offspring.
---
One day, Little Timmy asked his mother this question, "Mommy, why are boys and girls different?" She responded, "You're adopted and Santa Claus is dead."
---
Q: Why didn't the boy want to go home after school?
A: Because his dad beats him.
---
Q: What do you call a black person with a white belt?
A: A beginner at karate.
---
Q: Why did the soldier cry himself to sleep?
A: Because he had bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails every day for a year in a POW camp
---
Q: Why did the young boy touch himself at night?
A: He was shot in his stomach and was trying in vain to stop the bleeding.
---
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
---
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road screaming?
A: Because she had accidentally swallowed napalm, there was a hospital on the other side of the road, and her insides was burning, causing the worst pain she had ever felt.
---
Q: What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?
A: Carbon, because it forms the backbones of many energy rich sugars.
---
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar.
A bar fight ensues, and the blonde is killed in the midst of gunfire.
It was a horrible tragedy.
---
Q: What did Hellen Keller do when she fell off a cliff?
A: She screamed her hands off.
Cancer
---
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
---
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your entire family was killed in a car wreck.
---
So this guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."
---
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
GUSTAPO
---
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.
---
What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Being shot in the head
---
how do you make a mime yell?
throw a brick at his face.
---
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cuz he died.
---
What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Nothing.
---
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken's back.
---
Why was your eye itchy?
Because a spider layed its eggs in your head
---
Why did you feel unwell?
You had the plague
---
How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
They're both purple, except for the rabbit.
---
What did Helen Keller name her dog?
oggkhknmfdsnkmnfdjznfj
---
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
---
A man goes to a grocery store. While he is there, he buys:
bread
cheese
and milk.
So as he is checking out, getting ready to pay, the cashier says: "Hey, you're single, aren't you?"
The man is astonished. "Wow, that's incredible. How did you know that?"
"You're ugly."
---
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One holds groceries, the other molests children.
---
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He didn't. He got hit by a bus.
---
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: One is an edible substance and the other is a person who believes in Judaism.
---
Q: What happened to the elderly old man who liked to play tricks on children?
A: He was stoned to death.
---
Q: What did the florist do when she saw a child picking up a rubber ball outside her store?
A: She ran outside, kicked him in the ribs, and screamed maniacally until the police arrived to detain her.
---
What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
Get in the car.
---
A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.
The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say willytop.
The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.
He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn't that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.
Well, the boy arrives in the principals office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willtop. The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.
Well, the boy went home, to find his parents in the living. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.
Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.
Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says "Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of willytop. what does it mean sir?" The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.
Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.
---
I was walking down the street the other day when this bum comes up to me and says he hasn't had a bite in three days.
So I stabbed him.
---
Q.What did the robot say to the child?
A.Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.
---
Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
Because he was off-duty!
---
Why did the woman lose the beauty contest?
Because she was ugly.
---
why can't the little boy go to school?
he has terminal cancer.
---
Why did Hellen Keller lose her hand?
She tried to read a road sign at 40 miles an hour.
---
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They moved the furniture.
---
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
---
Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face
---
What did the horse say when the guy started spanking his ass?
Nothing...Horses dont talk.
---
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
---
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
---
Why are black people so good at basketball?
because they PRACTICE
---
What do you call a black pilot?
A pilot.
---
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bob."
"Oh, come in."
---
How many Hindu's can you get into a Mini?
4 adults and possibly a small child.
---
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
---
A very rich man had a son. He was very proud of his son. The son was smart and diligent and did well in school.
On the son's 16th birthday, the father went to his son and said "son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you for your 16th birthday."
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 1,000 green golf balls.
The father was taken aback. "But son, that's such a strange request! Might I remind you that I'm VERY rich, and I could buy you ANYTHING your heart desires?!"
But the son was adamant, and his father, though confused, honored his son's request.
Some years later the son graduated from college at the top of his class. His father, once again beaming with pride, came to his son.
"Son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you for your college graduation."
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 2,000 green golf balls.
The father once again was confused, and a bit angry.
"Son, that's a ridiculous request! I'm offering to buy you ANYTHING you want! I'm a very rich man, and almost NOTHING is beyond my requisition! So please, reconsider, and tell me what you REALLY want!"
But the son was adamant, and his father, though bewildered and frustrated, honored his son's request.
Years later, the son, following in his father's footsteps, was a very successful businessman. He'd married a beautiful wife and borne his father many wonderful grandchildren.
One night as they ate dinner in an expensive restaurant, his father said to his son, "son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you ANYTHING you ask me to buy you in honor of your fantastic success and wonderful family."
Once again without blinking his son asked for 3,000 green golf balls.
Enraged, his father slammed his hands on the table and yelled, "WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY GENEROSITY SO?! FINE; YOU'LL HAVE YOUR STUPID GOLF BALLS, BUT YOU HAVE LOST YOURSELF A FATHER!"
And so the trade was made; the son's strange request for the animosity of his once-doting father.
Several years later, the father and the son not having spoken once since, the father got a call from a hospital informing him that his son had gotten into a terrible car accident and was dying. Forgetting all about his grudge against his son, the father flew down to his son's side in a flash. His son was conscious for the first time in days as his father arrived.
"Son, you are the apple of my eye and I'm very proud of you. I'm so sorry for disowning you! I know I never should have! I'm so sorry for the years we've lost! But I must know, son, why did you want all those green golfballs; those wretched orbs that drove us apart?! Surely you had a grand design for them; you're the perfect son and I could not have asked for anything more in the world than you!"
His son, on death's door, looked into his father's eyes and said weakly, "well, father, I-"
And then he died.
---
What do you call a chicken in Antarctica?
Lost.
---
Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?
Because she was an abusive drunk.
---
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was blind, deaf and mute.
---
What's grosser than 10 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Having your skin peeled off.
---
Three women are on an airplane. One's a blonde, ones a red head, one's a brunette. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and their was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety. So the captain said to each of the three ladies, "You can only take one of you're possessions when you parachute out of the plane." The blonde says "I will take my watch becau-" But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.
---
What do you call a hispanic working at pizza hut?
An employee.
---
Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.
---
What was the pirate movie rated?
PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
---
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
---
What do you call a black guy in a convience store?
A customer.
---
Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Which one hits the ground first?
A: It depends on their weight and drag coefficient.
---
Q: How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on a bed?
A: Politely ask him to stop.
---
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they practice.
---
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
Lenny
Oh, ok, come right in, I've been expecting you for hours.
---
One time a boy came home from school and he said to his dad 'Dad I had sex with my teacher.' His dad was like 'Good job.' A few months later the boy died of STDs.
---
Your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.
---
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she lost her arms in a car accident.
---
Why couldn't Sally ride a bike?
Because Sally had Cerebral Palsy.
---
Why did the little boy say his prayers every night?
Because every night at 2A.M. when his dad comes home drunk he hears him beat his mom and wonders when he will be next.
---
Three men walk into a bar. They're all alcoholics, and they beat their wives.
---
Two men were walking along when they came across a set of tracks. The first man said "Deer Tracks!" the second said "Rabbit Tracks!".
While they stood there arguing, the train ran both men over.
---
How do you kill a fox?
Beat it with a stick until its heart stops beating from all the trauma. Death will soon follow.
---
So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.
---
What do you call two blonde girls playing catch?
Softball practice.
---
Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: *Confused expression*
Person 1: Oh thats right your deaf...never mind
---
Why did the child cross the road?
An arsonist set his house ablaze, causing his paraplegic family to die a slow painful fiery death. Their death screams consequently drove the child to madness. A truck hit him, showering the pavement with entrails.
---
Once there was a man who lived with his family in Africa. They were very poor, and never had enough to eat. One day the man said "I'll run in the Olympics and when I win the gold medal, I'll be able to feed my family!"
He practiced and practiced, but then one day he lost both his legs in a lawnmower accident and never walked again.
---
A young man named Bob moves out of his mothers house. He doesn't have much money to make it own his own so he decides to rob a gas station. The manager
of the store has a gun. Bob takes a shotgun blast to the face. He dies.
---
Why is the sky blue?
Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.
---
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It died.
---
Why did the puppy eat rat poison?
Because he was blind.
---
Ask me if I'm an orange.
Are you an orange?
No.
---
Q: How do you know it's bed time at Michael Jaskson's house?
A: When Michael Jackson is tired.
---
Q: What is hard, lasts forever, and is something girls love to have on their body?
A: A diamond.
---
Q: What did the hooker say to the priest?
A: That was a wonderful sermon. I look forward to next Sunday's church service.
---
Your momma's so fat, she bought an issue of Cosmo for an article on breast self-exams but became deeply depressed when bombarded by page after page of images perpetuating an impossible standard of beauty. That night she skipped dinner and cried herself to sleep.
---
Your momma's so fat, she tried to go on the Atkins diet but couldn't make it through the induction phase because her cravings for sweets and complex carbohydrates proved too powerful to overcome.
---
A man is in a car accident, and his genitals are horribly mutilated. When he awakes, the doctor tells him that they can create a new one for him, but it is an expensive operation. The operation costs ?1000 an inch. He is urged to go home and discuss the matter with his wife. The next day, the man comes back looking miserable. The doctor looks at him and asks him what the problem is. "I discussed the matter with my wife and she said she'd prefer a fitted kitchen. So I killed her."
---
Q: Why do women have boobs?
A: To provide milk to feed their offspring.
---
One day, Little Timmy asked his mother this question, "Mommy, why are boys and girls different?" She responded, "You're adopted and Santa Claus is dead."
---
Q: Why didn't the boy want to go home after school?
A: Because his dad beats him.
---
Q: What do you call a black person with a white belt?
A: A beginner at karate.
---
Q: Why did the soldier cry himself to sleep?
A: Because he had bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails every day for a year in a POW camp
---
Q: Why did the young boy touch himself at night?
A: He was shot in his stomach and was trying in vain to stop the bleeding.
---
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
---
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road screaming?
A: Because she had accidentally swallowed napalm, there was a hospital on the other side of the road, and her insides was burning, causing the worst pain she had ever felt.
---
Q: What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?
A: Carbon, because it forms the backbones of many energy rich sugars.
---
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar.
A bar fight ensues, and the blonde is killed in the midst of gunfire.
It was a horrible tragedy.
---
Q: What did Hellen Keller do when she fell off a cliff?
A: She screamed her hands off.
Satan On Punctuation
Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about punctuation.
Kids, words are neat, pretty, and highly useful. But without the right combination of punctuation marks, they can be confusing, meaningless, and an endless spiral leading you hopelessly into the depths of Hell.
Luckily, I'm here to sort everything out for you, so that these grammatical temptresses don't weigh down your soul and doom you for all eternity.
Let's start with the comma, shall we?
The comma is the one of the most commonly used forms of punctuation, as well as the most diabolical. A comma is meant to denote a pause or change in thought. This is used when the new thought is not an entire sentence on its own, such as in the sentence "I like to feast on the tormented souls of the Damned, especially when they're screaming." The phrase "especially when they're screaming" is not a complete sentence on its own, and is simply attached to the previous phrase by a comma.
But wait, there's more.
Commas can also be used to separate items in a list. For example: "In Hell, many people spend eternity being eaten alive by maggots, vermin, locusts, and cockroaches." The commas in that sentence separate the items in the list from one another, much like the charred bones of the still-conscious Damned are often used, in Hell, to separate my laundry. Can't mix whites with brights.
But that's another lesson.
For now, let's move on to the question mark.
These hook-shaped markings are used when one is requesting information. In fact, the symbol itself was made to resemble the razor-sharp hooks of my ghoulish minions who impale and vivisect any and all who dare ask for knowledge in Hell. Proper uses of the question mark would be in posing such questions as "Will my boiling eyeballs ever fully melt out of my skull?" or "Oh my God, can someone please make the fire ants leave my genitals alone?" Or even "What shall I wear today?" As you see, Kids, the question mark is incredibly useful.
Our final lesson today involves my personal favorite punctuation mark, the semicolon. Its many uses and meanings are obscure, mystical, and unholy, and improper use of the semicolon is one of the top three tickets to The Underworld.
So why would I spoil my fun by educating you today?
I'm not. Trust me, do yourself a favor and learn all you can about the semicolon. For whatever you do not learn in this life, you will be taught in the next. Hell is filled with the tortured wails of misery ringing merrily from the walls as hordes of puss-oozing demons spend eternity slowly peeling off the skin of burning souls while branding an encyclopedia of semicolon knowledge on their tongues one letter at a time.
You see, in Hell, education never ends. And there's no recess.
So remember, Kids, punctuation is important. Use it correctly, and you're a fine, upstanding citizen. Screw it up, and you're laughed at, ridiculed and riding the Midnight Train straight to Hell.
I'm Satan, see ya!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay
Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay
* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph Romm, Washington
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Russell Beland, Springfield
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Roy Ashley, Washington
* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Russell Beland, Springfield
* Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Unknown
* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring
* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Russell Beland, Springfield
* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington
* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.
* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield
* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
* The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Unknown
Based on an unoriginal article in the Washington Post.
* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph Romm, Washington
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Russell Beland, Springfield
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Roy Ashley, Washington
* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Russell Beland, Springfield
* Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Unknown
* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring
* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Russell Beland, Springfield
* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington
* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.
* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield
* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
* The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Unknown
Based on an unoriginal article in the Washington Post.
Why Intelligent People Tend To Be Unhappy
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
- Ernest Hemingway, author and journalist, Nobel laureate (1899-1961)
Hemingway, who took his own life in 1961, knew his share of both intelligent people and of unhappiness. He lived through two world wars, the Great Depression, four wives and an unknown number of failed romantic relationships, none of which would help him to develop happiness if he knew how.
As Hemingway's quote was based on his life experience, I will base the following speculation on both my personal and my professional experience as a sociologist. Not enough study exists to quote on this subject.
Western society is not set up to nurture intelligent children and adults, the way it dotes over athletes and sports figures, especially the outstanding ones. While we have the odd notable personality such as Albert Einstein, we also have many extremely intelligent people working in occupations that are considered among the lowliest, as may be attested by a review of the membership lists of Mensa (the club for the top two percent on intelligence scales).
Education systems in countries whose primary interest is in wealth accumulation encourage heroes in movies, war and sports, but not in intellectual development. Super intelligent people manage, but few reach the top of the business or social ladder.
Children develop along four streams: intellectual, physical, emotional (psychological) and social. In classrooms, the smartest kids tend to be left out of more activities by other children than they are included in. They are "odd," they are the geeks, they are social outsiders. In other words, they do not develop socially as well as they may develop intellectually or even physically where opportunities may exist for more progress.
Their emotional development, characterized by their ability to cope with risky or stressful situations, especially over long periods of time, also lags behind that of the average person.
Adults tend to believe that intelligent kids can deal with anything because they are intellectually superior. This inevitably includes situations where the intelligent kids have neither knowledge nor skills to support their experience. They go through the tough times alone. Adults don't understand that they need help and other kids don't want to associate with kids the social leaders say are outsiders.
As a result we have many highly intelligent people whose social development progresses much slower than that of most people and they have trouble coping with the stressors of life that present themselves to everyone. It should come as no surprise that the vast majority of prison inmates are socially and emotionally underdeveloped or maldeveloped and a larger than average percentage of them are more intelligent than the norm.
Western society provides the ideal incubator for social misfits and those with emotional coping problems. When it comes to happiness, people who are socially inept and who have trouble coping emotionally with the exigencies of life would not be among those you should expect to be happy.
This may be changing in the 21st century as the geeks gain recognition as people with great potential, especially as people who might make their fortune in the world of high technology. Geeks may be more socially accepted than in the past, but unless they receive more assistance with their social and emotional development, most are destined to be unhappy as they mature in the world of adults.
People with high intelligence, be they children or adults, still rank as social outsiders in most situations, including their skills to be good mates and parents.
Moreover, they tend to see more of the tragedy in the communities and countries they live in, and in the world, than the average person whose primary source of news and information is comedy shows on television. Tragedy is easier to find than compassion, even though compassion likely exists in greater proportion in most communities.
- Ernest Hemingway, author and journalist, Nobel laureate (1899-1961)
Hemingway, who took his own life in 1961, knew his share of both intelligent people and of unhappiness. He lived through two world wars, the Great Depression, four wives and an unknown number of failed romantic relationships, none of which would help him to develop happiness if he knew how.
As Hemingway's quote was based on his life experience, I will base the following speculation on both my personal and my professional experience as a sociologist. Not enough study exists to quote on this subject.
Western society is not set up to nurture intelligent children and adults, the way it dotes over athletes and sports figures, especially the outstanding ones. While we have the odd notable personality such as Albert Einstein, we also have many extremely intelligent people working in occupations that are considered among the lowliest, as may be attested by a review of the membership lists of Mensa (the club for the top two percent on intelligence scales).
Education systems in countries whose primary interest is in wealth accumulation encourage heroes in movies, war and sports, but not in intellectual development. Super intelligent people manage, but few reach the top of the business or social ladder.
Children develop along four streams: intellectual, physical, emotional (psychological) and social. In classrooms, the smartest kids tend to be left out of more activities by other children than they are included in. They are "odd," they are the geeks, they are social outsiders. In other words, they do not develop socially as well as they may develop intellectually or even physically where opportunities may exist for more progress.
Their emotional development, characterized by their ability to cope with risky or stressful situations, especially over long periods of time, also lags behind that of the average person.
Adults tend to believe that intelligent kids can deal with anything because they are intellectually superior. This inevitably includes situations where the intelligent kids have neither knowledge nor skills to support their experience. They go through the tough times alone. Adults don't understand that they need help and other kids don't want to associate with kids the social leaders say are outsiders.
As a result we have many highly intelligent people whose social development progresses much slower than that of most people and they have trouble coping with the stressors of life that present themselves to everyone. It should come as no surprise that the vast majority of prison inmates are socially and emotionally underdeveloped or maldeveloped and a larger than average percentage of them are more intelligent than the norm.
Western society provides the ideal incubator for social misfits and those with emotional coping problems. When it comes to happiness, people who are socially inept and who have trouble coping emotionally with the exigencies of life would not be among those you should expect to be happy.
This may be changing in the 21st century as the geeks gain recognition as people with great potential, especially as people who might make their fortune in the world of high technology. Geeks may be more socially accepted than in the past, but unless they receive more assistance with their social and emotional development, most are destined to be unhappy as they mature in the world of adults.
People with high intelligence, be they children or adults, still rank as social outsiders in most situations, including their skills to be good mates and parents.
Moreover, they tend to see more of the tragedy in the communities and countries they live in, and in the world, than the average person whose primary source of news and information is comedy shows on television. Tragedy is easier to find than compassion, even though compassion likely exists in greater proportion in most communities.
Monday, November 26, 2007
The Male “Dummies” Guide to buying sexy Lingerie
The Male “Dummies” Guide to buying sexy Lingerie
If your thinking about buying your wife, partner or girlfriend some sexy lingerie for her birthday, anniversary or valentines but have no idea where to start, we have some quick and easy tips to get you on your way to successfully buying lingerie.
We understand that buying lingerie for your significant other can be a dangerous & stressful task. If you get it wrong, you will most certainly live to regret it. However, get it right and you will be on your way to gaining some rather large brownie points and hopefully seeing & removing your gift from your significant other!
With the vast amount of choices available to lingerie consumers today the choices can become over-whelming for most men. It can be rather embarrassing walking into a lingerie department or store and not really knowing what you are looking for. Thankfully with the invention of the internet this is no longer the case. We can simply shop from the comfort of our home. However, this takes the helpful sales person out of the equation and with most websites offering little or no advice on their own lingerie we took it upon ourselves to fill in the gaps and help you guys avert disaster.
So, before you rush off to buy that sexy number you’ve had in mind for the last 2 weeks, spend a few minutes reading through this helpful guide. It will help you avoid any nasty pitfalls and with only a few minutes of your time taken will save you hours of unnecessary grief.
SIX POINTS TO SUCSSESFULY BUYING LINGERIE
First Point: How much do you want to spend?
Buying women’s lingerie is generally a costly affair. Before you start looking, make sure you have a budget in mind and stick to it. Once you start looking it is very easy to get over excited by that incredibly sexy number and completely overspend. You better half may like the gift but your pockets will be much worse off.
Expensive designer lingerie can set you back hundred of pounds. As a guideline if you are looking to spoil your significant other with some sexy lingerie the minimum spend we would recommend is about £35 to £50 pounds. If you are feeling generous or have deeper pockets we would recommend going for the more costly designer lingerie.
Second Point: IT’S FOR HER! You are not buying the lingerie for yourself!
Although many men feel that buying lingerie is as much for them as it is for their significant other, this is simply not the case. Chances are if you buy something you like, she will not. This is the most important thing to remember when you are considering what to buy.
Third Point: Do your Homework! GET THE SIZE RIGHT
This point links well with the second point. As you know you are not buying the lingerie for yourself. Therefore it is best to do a little background investigation before hand. A well-considered gift will show you have taken the time to think about your significant other and will really show her you care.
The best way to do this is to have a look in her underwear draws if you can. This should allow you to take note of her bra & knickers size. This will give you a major advantage when you are ready to buy as many men make the mistake of guessing their partners size. This is a definite no, no. If none of your significant others underwear has any labels, do not despair. Sneak a bra & knickers out of her draw and take it down to the nearest underwear store. No need to be embarrassed about this. The shop assistants would have seen it all before and this extra effort will only further impress your partner. Before you go to the store make sure you have as new a set of underwear as possible. Older underwear may be a different size due to weight loss or gain.
Another advantage of having a look through your partners underwear draw is that it gives you time to consider what she really likes. What materials does she like? What are her preferred colours? Does she go for comfort or sex appeal? Who is her favourite underwear designer? All this information will help you build a more accurate picture of what your partner would really like to wear. Remember, get it right and you will be unwrapping your prize much sooner than you think.
Fourth Point: What are the different types of lingerie?
Bra & Knickers – This is the most common of choices for most men. Generally this is your safest bet. A decent bra with matching knickers will set you back around ₤50. This is broken down into about ₤35 for the bra and ₤15 for the knickers. A simple and easy thing to remember, make sure you always buy a matching set. Another tip for you guys is that most women will buy more than one set of matching knickers to go with their bra. This is because most women will wear their bra twice before they wash it. This may cost you a little more but the reward should be worth it.
To help you gauge the differences in Bras & Knickers, we have listed a few of the most common styles found on the lingerie market.
Bra Types:
(a) Full Cup bra– This is the most common of all bra types. This type of bra covers the entire breast and is available in all sizes. If you significant other has rather large breast, D cup or larger, this type of bra is very suitable as it offers lots of support.
(b) Half Cup bra– These types of bra only provide coverage for half the breasts. This can be very sexy in the bedroom, as often these types of bra will leave the nipple exposed to the elements. Half-cup bras offer similar support to full cup bras and are available in most cup sizes. Half-cup bras can also be worn well under low cut tops, allowing more of the breast to be exposed.
(c) Strap & Backless bra - The backless bra is self-explanatory in that it has no back & no straps, at least not in the normal way. Strapless bras are usually self-adhesive, lightweight and self-supporting. It is the perfect bra when wearing backless tops and dresses; you can also wear off the shoulder tops and dresses. Some Backless bras may have a strap that is in a diamante design to help disguise it more under clothing.
The colours of the self-adhesive backless bras are usually in a neutral or flesh colour, so they can be worn under sheer garments and clothing that may be very low cut. Strapless bras minimize the appearance of bra straps and offer the support she will need for special occasions, everyday wear and more.
(d) Balconette bra - The Balconette bra is very similar to the half-cup bra. The main difference is that is has just over half the coverage of the breasts and adds a sexier more luxurious look to the bra. The middle of the bra is slightly different in design to the half cup and appears not to be as straight across the breasts and the chest below; this helps to add shape to the bust line. These bras also push the breasts up, thereby creating the look of a full cleavage. This style of bra is suitable for all women. If you’re breasts are larger than a D cup we would not recommend this type of bra unless it has been specially made for people with larger breasts.
(e) Push Up bra – These types of bra pushes the breasts up and in. This makes the breasts look fuller and creates more cleavage to admire. The most common form of push up bra is the Wonderbra. However, Wonderba’s only range in size from A cup to D cup. If your partner’s breasts are larger than a D cup we would recommend using a cleavage type bra. This is essentially the same as a push up bra that has been designed to accommodate larger breast.
(f) Triangle bra – Triangle bras are designed for women who have pert breast, ranging in size from A cup to C cup at the very most. Triangle bras should only be worn by women with pert breasts. This is because triangle bras do not offer any underwired support. These types of bras come in many different styles and can be a very sexy gift for your significant other.
Knickers Types:
(a) Briefs – These are knickers that provide complete coverage for both the front & back. There are generally two types of briefs. The first is low-rise briefs. The waistband on low-rise briefs sits on or below the hips. The second is high-legged briefs. On high-legged briefs the cut of the leg finishes high on the hips.
(b) Thongs – Thongs generally provide full coverage from the front whilst leaving the back bare. However, some thongs are made of materials that become see-though when wet. Thongs are also available to buy in low cut styles.
(c) G-Strings – G-Strings are the sexiest and most revealing of all underwear. G-Stings are made up from a piece of material not much thicker than string with a small triangle at the front to cover the bare minimum and preserve a little modesty. Some bikinis are designed to be similar or even more revealing than G-Strings. Check out our range of sexy micro & mini bikini g-strings. They are suitable for bedroom & the beach.
(d) French Knickers – French knickers are low rise knickers that go down over the top of the thigh. These knickers look a little like mini shorts but are a much looser fit that shorts would be. French knickers are very popular in silk & satin.
(e) Boy Shorts – Boy shorts are similar to French knickers except they are tighter round the hips & buttocks. These knickers look a little like mini boy’s shorts. These are very popular and are made by a large number of underwear designers.
Camisole – Camisoles are sleeveless tight fitted tops that extend from the breasts to the waist. Camisoles are designed to be worn under your blouse or shirt and are usually held up by shoulder straps. There are various styles of camisole available. Some camisoles are designed to be worn during the day, while many are designed to be worn in the bedroom, once the lights go down. Whatever your reasons for buying a camisole we recommend you do not buy a camisole if your partner or wife has breasts that are larger than a D cup. This is simply because many camisoles are tight fitting and offer little under-wire support for the breasts.
Chemise – A chemise is very similar to a camisole. The main difference is that a chemise is looser fitting than a camisole and is longer in length. The additional length of the chemise is to cover the top of the thighs. Many women like to wear these to go out in over jeans, although their main purpose is probably in the bedroom.
Bustier – a bustier is similar to a bra but extends down to the waist or hips to create a structured, supported look. Bustiers often have flexible boning throughout the body of the garment for additional shaping. At the back of the bustier there are usually a dozen hooks or more to close in the back. Some bustiers are strapless and/or include removable garters to be worn with suspender belts. We do not recommend you buy this for your partner. This is an item better bought by the person intending to wear it.
Basque – a Basque is a tight fitting bodice that extends from the underarms to the hips. Basques are usually worn for the purpose of seduction, although some women like to wear these as underwear. Basque will also usually have a removable garter belt so that suspenders can be worn with them. We do not recommend you buy this for your partner. This is an item better bought by the person intending to wear it.
Fifth Point: Things to avoid
To help you on your way to selecting the prefect gift we have listed a few things to avoid in order to avert disaster.
To start with never buy her anything that is supposed to enhance the size of her breasts. This includes water filled bras and gel packs you put into the bra. This will only tell her you are interested in one thing and that her breasts are not big enough for your liking. This also applies to any garments that make her appear to be thinner. An example of this is tights that hold your stomach in. This is a definite no, no. Your partner will interpret this as a hint to loose weight.
Lastly, all men like the idea of sexy & revealing underwear. Underwear of this nature can be very arousing and fun when the mood and time is right. If you are trying to tell your partner you love them, sometime the sexy or erotic underwear is not the way to go. Best to leave the naughty stuff for special occasions like birthdays, valentines & good old Christmas.
If you stick to these simple pointers you should be well on your way to buying the perfect gift for your loved one.
Sixth Point: Presentation & The Receipt
Once you have carefully selected the perfect gift for your significant other there is only a little left to remember. The first thing is presentation. Most good shops and online stores will offer you a gift-wrapping service. We recommend you take this option unless you are particularly skilled at wrapping gifts. A well-presented gift goes a long way to showing your loved one how much you care.
The last thing you need to remember is the receipt. Always keep the receipt. If the worst happens and she does not like your choice or it does not fit her properly she can always return it for an exchange. Please keep in mind that most stores will not take back any type of knickers due to health reason. This is done to protect consumer hygiene. You partner or wife would not like to wear knickers already worn by another woman, as I’m sure the same applies for men.
If your thinking about buying your wife, partner or girlfriend some sexy lingerie for her birthday, anniversary or valentines but have no idea where to start, we have some quick and easy tips to get you on your way to successfully buying lingerie.
We understand that buying lingerie for your significant other can be a dangerous & stressful task. If you get it wrong, you will most certainly live to regret it. However, get it right and you will be on your way to gaining some rather large brownie points and hopefully seeing & removing your gift from your significant other!
With the vast amount of choices available to lingerie consumers today the choices can become over-whelming for most men. It can be rather embarrassing walking into a lingerie department or store and not really knowing what you are looking for. Thankfully with the invention of the internet this is no longer the case. We can simply shop from the comfort of our home. However, this takes the helpful sales person out of the equation and with most websites offering little or no advice on their own lingerie we took it upon ourselves to fill in the gaps and help you guys avert disaster.
So, before you rush off to buy that sexy number you’ve had in mind for the last 2 weeks, spend a few minutes reading through this helpful guide. It will help you avoid any nasty pitfalls and with only a few minutes of your time taken will save you hours of unnecessary grief.
SIX POINTS TO SUCSSESFULY BUYING LINGERIE
First Point: How much do you want to spend?
Buying women’s lingerie is generally a costly affair. Before you start looking, make sure you have a budget in mind and stick to it. Once you start looking it is very easy to get over excited by that incredibly sexy number and completely overspend. You better half may like the gift but your pockets will be much worse off.
Expensive designer lingerie can set you back hundred of pounds. As a guideline if you are looking to spoil your significant other with some sexy lingerie the minimum spend we would recommend is about £35 to £50 pounds. If you are feeling generous or have deeper pockets we would recommend going for the more costly designer lingerie.
Second Point: IT’S FOR HER! You are not buying the lingerie for yourself!
Although many men feel that buying lingerie is as much for them as it is for their significant other, this is simply not the case. Chances are if you buy something you like, she will not. This is the most important thing to remember when you are considering what to buy.
Third Point: Do your Homework! GET THE SIZE RIGHT
This point links well with the second point. As you know you are not buying the lingerie for yourself. Therefore it is best to do a little background investigation before hand. A well-considered gift will show you have taken the time to think about your significant other and will really show her you care.
The best way to do this is to have a look in her underwear draws if you can. This should allow you to take note of her bra & knickers size. This will give you a major advantage when you are ready to buy as many men make the mistake of guessing their partners size. This is a definite no, no. If none of your significant others underwear has any labels, do not despair. Sneak a bra & knickers out of her draw and take it down to the nearest underwear store. No need to be embarrassed about this. The shop assistants would have seen it all before and this extra effort will only further impress your partner. Before you go to the store make sure you have as new a set of underwear as possible. Older underwear may be a different size due to weight loss or gain.
Another advantage of having a look through your partners underwear draw is that it gives you time to consider what she really likes. What materials does she like? What are her preferred colours? Does she go for comfort or sex appeal? Who is her favourite underwear designer? All this information will help you build a more accurate picture of what your partner would really like to wear. Remember, get it right and you will be unwrapping your prize much sooner than you think.
Fourth Point: What are the different types of lingerie?
Bra & Knickers – This is the most common of choices for most men. Generally this is your safest bet. A decent bra with matching knickers will set you back around ₤50. This is broken down into about ₤35 for the bra and ₤15 for the knickers. A simple and easy thing to remember, make sure you always buy a matching set. Another tip for you guys is that most women will buy more than one set of matching knickers to go with their bra. This is because most women will wear their bra twice before they wash it. This may cost you a little more but the reward should be worth it.
To help you gauge the differences in Bras & Knickers, we have listed a few of the most common styles found on the lingerie market.
Bra Types:
(a) Full Cup bra– This is the most common of all bra types. This type of bra covers the entire breast and is available in all sizes. If you significant other has rather large breast, D cup or larger, this type of bra is very suitable as it offers lots of support.
(b) Half Cup bra– These types of bra only provide coverage for half the breasts. This can be very sexy in the bedroom, as often these types of bra will leave the nipple exposed to the elements. Half-cup bras offer similar support to full cup bras and are available in most cup sizes. Half-cup bras can also be worn well under low cut tops, allowing more of the breast to be exposed.
(c) Strap & Backless bra - The backless bra is self-explanatory in that it has no back & no straps, at least not in the normal way. Strapless bras are usually self-adhesive, lightweight and self-supporting. It is the perfect bra when wearing backless tops and dresses; you can also wear off the shoulder tops and dresses. Some Backless bras may have a strap that is in a diamante design to help disguise it more under clothing.
The colours of the self-adhesive backless bras are usually in a neutral or flesh colour, so they can be worn under sheer garments and clothing that may be very low cut. Strapless bras minimize the appearance of bra straps and offer the support she will need for special occasions, everyday wear and more.
(d) Balconette bra - The Balconette bra is very similar to the half-cup bra. The main difference is that is has just over half the coverage of the breasts and adds a sexier more luxurious look to the bra. The middle of the bra is slightly different in design to the half cup and appears not to be as straight across the breasts and the chest below; this helps to add shape to the bust line. These bras also push the breasts up, thereby creating the look of a full cleavage. This style of bra is suitable for all women. If you’re breasts are larger than a D cup we would not recommend this type of bra unless it has been specially made for people with larger breasts.
(e) Push Up bra – These types of bra pushes the breasts up and in. This makes the breasts look fuller and creates more cleavage to admire. The most common form of push up bra is the Wonderbra. However, Wonderba’s only range in size from A cup to D cup. If your partner’s breasts are larger than a D cup we would recommend using a cleavage type bra. This is essentially the same as a push up bra that has been designed to accommodate larger breast.
(f) Triangle bra – Triangle bras are designed for women who have pert breast, ranging in size from A cup to C cup at the very most. Triangle bras should only be worn by women with pert breasts. This is because triangle bras do not offer any underwired support. These types of bras come in many different styles and can be a very sexy gift for your significant other.
Knickers Types:
(a) Briefs – These are knickers that provide complete coverage for both the front & back. There are generally two types of briefs. The first is low-rise briefs. The waistband on low-rise briefs sits on or below the hips. The second is high-legged briefs. On high-legged briefs the cut of the leg finishes high on the hips.
(b) Thongs – Thongs generally provide full coverage from the front whilst leaving the back bare. However, some thongs are made of materials that become see-though when wet. Thongs are also available to buy in low cut styles.
(c) G-Strings – G-Strings are the sexiest and most revealing of all underwear. G-Stings are made up from a piece of material not much thicker than string with a small triangle at the front to cover the bare minimum and preserve a little modesty. Some bikinis are designed to be similar or even more revealing than G-Strings. Check out our range of sexy micro & mini bikini g-strings. They are suitable for bedroom & the beach.
(d) French Knickers – French knickers are low rise knickers that go down over the top of the thigh. These knickers look a little like mini shorts but are a much looser fit that shorts would be. French knickers are very popular in silk & satin.
(e) Boy Shorts – Boy shorts are similar to French knickers except they are tighter round the hips & buttocks. These knickers look a little like mini boy’s shorts. These are very popular and are made by a large number of underwear designers.
Camisole – Camisoles are sleeveless tight fitted tops that extend from the breasts to the waist. Camisoles are designed to be worn under your blouse or shirt and are usually held up by shoulder straps. There are various styles of camisole available. Some camisoles are designed to be worn during the day, while many are designed to be worn in the bedroom, once the lights go down. Whatever your reasons for buying a camisole we recommend you do not buy a camisole if your partner or wife has breasts that are larger than a D cup. This is simply because many camisoles are tight fitting and offer little under-wire support for the breasts.
Chemise – A chemise is very similar to a camisole. The main difference is that a chemise is looser fitting than a camisole and is longer in length. The additional length of the chemise is to cover the top of the thighs. Many women like to wear these to go out in over jeans, although their main purpose is probably in the bedroom.
Bustier – a bustier is similar to a bra but extends down to the waist or hips to create a structured, supported look. Bustiers often have flexible boning throughout the body of the garment for additional shaping. At the back of the bustier there are usually a dozen hooks or more to close in the back. Some bustiers are strapless and/or include removable garters to be worn with suspender belts. We do not recommend you buy this for your partner. This is an item better bought by the person intending to wear it.
Basque – a Basque is a tight fitting bodice that extends from the underarms to the hips. Basques are usually worn for the purpose of seduction, although some women like to wear these as underwear. Basque will also usually have a removable garter belt so that suspenders can be worn with them. We do not recommend you buy this for your partner. This is an item better bought by the person intending to wear it.
Fifth Point: Things to avoid
To help you on your way to selecting the prefect gift we have listed a few things to avoid in order to avert disaster.
To start with never buy her anything that is supposed to enhance the size of her breasts. This includes water filled bras and gel packs you put into the bra. This will only tell her you are interested in one thing and that her breasts are not big enough for your liking. This also applies to any garments that make her appear to be thinner. An example of this is tights that hold your stomach in. This is a definite no, no. Your partner will interpret this as a hint to loose weight.
Lastly, all men like the idea of sexy & revealing underwear. Underwear of this nature can be very arousing and fun when the mood and time is right. If you are trying to tell your partner you love them, sometime the sexy or erotic underwear is not the way to go. Best to leave the naughty stuff for special occasions like birthdays, valentines & good old Christmas.
If you stick to these simple pointers you should be well on your way to buying the perfect gift for your loved one.
Sixth Point: Presentation & The Receipt
Once you have carefully selected the perfect gift for your significant other there is only a little left to remember. The first thing is presentation. Most good shops and online stores will offer you a gift-wrapping service. We recommend you take this option unless you are particularly skilled at wrapping gifts. A well-presented gift goes a long way to showing your loved one how much you care.
The last thing you need to remember is the receipt. Always keep the receipt. If the worst happens and she does not like your choice or it does not fit her properly she can always return it for an exchange. Please keep in mind that most stores will not take back any type of knickers due to health reason. This is done to protect consumer hygiene. You partner or wife would not like to wear knickers already worn by another woman, as I’m sure the same applies for men.
Christmas oxymoron
Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Sunday, November 25, 2007
What's wrong with Om Shanthi Om and Saawariya ?
| Rating: | ★ |
| Category: | Movies |
| Genre: | Other |
A week later , a winner had clearly emerged from the rubble.OSO had won by a whisker.(Poor writing 101 )
Bollywood is moving too fast these days, and that too in new directions .While the movies of the yesteryear's had vamps who were allowed to gyrate seductively , smoke , drink on screen , the modern movies had 'Item Songs'.
The present 'Item Girls ' made the traditional vamp redundant.These 'Item Girls' can do anything a vamp could do , only twice better !
However OSO and Saawariya deviated from the norm wildly !
In both movies the so called 'item Songs' were performed by Men !
'Dard-e-disco by Six Pack Sharuck and 'Jab Se tere naina' by an equally chiselled 'Serial Lungi Dropper' Ranbir.
Stranger days have never come in Bollywood.The USP of both movies were Men showing off their chiselled bodies and shaved chests.
I to had a sudden hankering to shave off my chest hair !
But clearly , despite the expensive promos, both these movies have failed in the public eye.
OSO has failed for being too cheesy and too filmy .OSO was supposed to be a tribute to the 70's era of film making , but it ends up being a farcial parody .But OSO has its moments.Moments where you realize 'this is what bollywood is all about'.The first half sucks you in and gets you emotionally involved while the second half repeatedly spits you out.
Ms.Farah , your movie sucks compared to your debut 'Main Hoon Na'.
Saawariya fails because it is too overindulgent , too arty , is unable to connect and has an unfavourable climax where the hero ends up a loser.Saawariya never sucks you in.You remain , throughout the movie , a passive observer.Its like watching a foreign art movie without subtitles.
But to tell you the truth , my masochistic tendencies were acting up on the day I watched Saawariya , and I actually ended up liking the movie more than OSO.
Surprisingly , an unexpected victor has emerged from the ashes of the battle of the titans.
If you ask me which was better, OSO or Saawariya , I'd simply say I liked 'Jab We met ' Better !
Hey we didn't even know 'Jab we Met ' was in the race ! (Poor Writing 101 )
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Lose that Hair !
Sorry...This is the only way I could tell you how unsightly it looks on you...
VideoJug: How To Shave Your Underarms
VideoJug: How To Shave Your Underarms
Jab We met :An Afterthought
| Rating: | ★★★★ |
| Category: | Movies |
| Genre: | Romance |
The last three movies I saw were Jab We Met , Saawariya and OSO in that order.It was clear what the modern movies were trying to tell us...the modern male is afraid of losing his so called superiority to the modern female.
The modern hero is less heroic, almost tragi-comic, less masculine , has emotions like jealousy , cries at the drop of a hat and falls for the wrong girl.
He always falls for the wrong girl...
Take Raj , our bubbly yet brooding poet of saawariya ...He is charming , funny , energetic , artistic and sensitive and last but not the least has a chiseled body .He falls for sakina ...falls hard , but fails to make her fall in love with him despite of all his plus points.Jealousy and desperation plague Raj.He cannot make sakina forget her first love...He vainly tries to sabotage their love , and then resorts to begging and pleading and finally compromises.
Take OSO.Om prakash Makhija , the lowly extra is madly in love with a married star who just wants friendship from him.
Or Jab We Met , where a handsome successful millionaire Adithya kashyap, falls for the girl who transforms him and his life .Sadly the girl is in love with someone else to a point of obsession.She is totally blind to his love and he sadly accepts it as his destiny.
I can write anything in this website because "Frankly my dear , nobody gives a damn ".
Mostly people are too self obsessed or are too involved in their day to day problems to actually read between the lines of what I write.So I 'm safe even when I write all my secrets.My secrets are ironically and oxymoronically 'open secrets'.
This actually gives me the freedom to say what I want in a way no other medium would have allowed .
Meet Vikas.The hero of my story.He's not bad looking, socially well adjusted , reportedly has a good sense of humour , a good career ...but like the modern movie hero , he always fall for the wrong girl.Its tragic but the hero of my story always falls for the wrong girl.
I loved Jab we Met , but hated it equally.The story is eerily similar to mine in one aspect...I'm in love with the girl who transformed me.The song 'Tum Se Hi ' is a song that tortures me and this is why...
The phenomenon is called transference or transference of love.
Freud noticed that many of his female patients were falling in love with him and wanted him to reciprocate.Love happened while his patients talked to him about their problems , their pains , happiness and everything in between.
Transference is a phenomenon in psychology characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings for one person to another.Transference was first described by Sigmund Freud, who acknowledged its importance for psychoanalysis for better understanding of the patients feelings.
This brings me back to 'tum se hi' , a song which knows my secret ...and this is the reason why I shed a tear in front of you, because I could never tell you the truth.
And truth be told , this is how I fell in love with you.Endless hours of talking , sharing , laughing , bonding . I never realized it , but it left me changed forever and forever in love...I often used to get angry that you did not love me as much as I loved you.But I realized that this love was destined to be a one way street, with no love coming my way . So I had decided that I'll never tell you that I loved you...because you deserved someone better than me.This Song is dedicated to you , as well as to me , because , every time I listen to it , I fall in love all over again.
Jab We met
The route to better recall:Pain is good:Blogging makes you smarter !
Muddled Thinking ?Faulty Memory ?
Try this surprising solution:Grab a pen , and put down your thoughts and feelings about a difficult experience from your past, suggest researchers Kitty Klein , and Adrien boals from North carolina State University in Raleigh.
The researchers asked 35 undergraduates to write about an unpleasant , highly emotional experience while another 36 students wrote about something dull.Afterward , the first group scored consistently higher than the second on tests of working memory - the brainpower we use for everything from calculating the grocery bill to finding the car keys.
Why it works :We all tend to avoid thinking about painful experiences , and that mental effort , even when mostly unconscious , ties up our working memory.
This writing exercise can help you free up more of your brainpower.
Delve Deeply:Write about your deepest emotions and thought.
Prepare for an emotional reaction:You may feel down for a few days afterwards.
Expect immediate and longterm results :The researchers saw improvement up to 4 months after the initial experiment.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
What do you get for a boy who has everything ?
20/11/2007
19:57
(It is a surreal scene.A father and son -trying out skirts and then arguing about tastes , styles and complimenting colours.Loudly.)
Then I say "Dad, did you know today's my birthday ?"
"Are you sure?" Dad asks , clearly alarmed "Isn't it the day after tomorrow ?"
(Meet dad.
Absent minded but sweet .He usually confuses his wedding day of december 22nd with my birthday of Nov 20th.
As a result , we get an amalgamation ...Nov 22nd is usually my birthday in his mind .)
"Mom !" I say , with whom we are simultaneously having a conversation on phone "Ask Dad why he doesn't know when his only child was born !...ASK HIM ! ASK HIM NOW !"
"Ok , Ok ...I'm sorry I forgot...Er...All the best son...."Says dad , feebly shaking my hand.
"Dad !"I say"You are supposed to say something like 'Many happy returns of the day ' or simply 'happy B'day son ' or something like that, and NOT All the best son "
"Doh !" says Dad.
"MEN !" Mom and I say in unison !
"Son , " says dad"let me buy you something for your b'day...what do you want ?"
"Dad ....I want nothing...really...And if you really want to get me something, try surprising me sometime okay ?"
"There lies the problem son" says dad "There's one thing we , as your parents never figured out.What do you get for a boy who has everything ?"
In retrospect , I must have been a strange kid.Completely self contained and content.
Unfathomable.... the way I derived pleasure from the simplest of the things.
Often as a kid, soap bars and cereal boxes kept me entertained for hours.I would weave stories around imaginary characters in far off lands.Although there was no drought of toys , I was satisfied with whatever simple toys I had or invented.
My growth must have seemed strange too.Strangely adiabatic...independent of the outside world.
In my parents defence, I must admit that they have atleast tried.I loved to sing right from my childhood.So one b'day , dad got me a wireless microphone.
As with all things , dad tried cost cutting with the microphone.As a result , I ended up with an inferior product of questionable origins which hissed and crackled incessantly.My singing was constantly interspersed with white noise and static.
I hated it and I wasn't very subtle about expressing my hatred and disappointment.
That was the last present I ever got !
My countless relatives , whose children who were showered with gifts by my parents didn't even try to reciprocate.....
..........because.......
.....What do you get for a boy who has everything ?
They didn't know and didn't bother to try.
Post B'day Blues
21/11/2007
20:22
"So what do you want for your b'day ?" sweetly asked my best friend.
"Nothing " I said laconically and added "Nothing at all "
"But let me make it easier for you.I'll tell you what I want for my next b'day and it wont even cost you a penny !"
"Its so hard buying gifts for guys you know ?" she said....
"Yeah , I know ...especially guys like me....What do you get for a boy who has everything ?"I muttered under my breath.
But then she bit her lip , started frowning while looking down.
That , from all the years I have known her , was a sign that she was thinking furiously.
And , she looked so damn cute while doing that !
Sure enough , she said "I'm thinking Yaar....for something Hatke....you know something different...."
For Once I had no doubt that she would truly surprize me.
P.s
Surely , there must be a logical explanation for two men trying out skirts and arguing about them.
We weren't exactly trying them out, you see...we merely held them against our waists to ascertain their length.
But Why ?
Elementary , my dear watson ....We were buying it for mom , while she was giving us instructions via phone.
Dad and I are poorly compatible as shopping mates.
We had so many differences that instead of buying one skirt and one top , we ended up buying 3 skirts and 2 tops !
Lucky Mom !(Or unlucky )
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Happy Birthday To Yourself Dude !
Time:23:59 (Somewhere in a loo)
19/11/2007
Urrrrrrggghhhh !
Plonk !
Huarrrgghhhhhhhhhh!
Bloonsh !
00:01
20/11/2007
Wow ! That's a new personal best !
7 Inches !
Happy Birthday to yourself Dude !
Now I'm done with being 24 ...25 here I come !
A teenager asked me today "How does it feel to be old , pops ?"
"You'll know soon enough son !", I said .
New Year's resolutions :
1)Expectations hurt.So if you expect , expect to get hurt !
2)Learn To let Go .
3) I promise to be better than what I was yesterday...
AMEN
Saturday, November 10, 2007
World's Easiest Quiz
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1- How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2- Which country makes Panama hats?
3- From which animal do we get cat gut?
4- In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5- What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6- The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7- What was King George VI’s first name?
8- What color is a purple finch?
9- Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10- What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Feeling pretty confident are you? You only need 4 answers correct to pass the test.
To get the answers, scroll down.
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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1- How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2- Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3- From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4- In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5- What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6- The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7- What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8- What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9- Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10- What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Five Danger Signals That Warn That You Are Being Manipulated
Some people in this world are kings and queens of the art of getting their own way. It's amazing how some people are able to achieve their whims through the use of persuasion or deception. The true masters are the ones who steer other people and events when they lack power or responsibility. These greedy folks are also the agents of chaos in groups and organizations, pursuing selfish hidden agendas for their own gain.
It's quite true that people can achieve great things by working together. Great constructions, organizations, and ideas are created by group effort. Some of these things are done for altruistic or practical reasons. Other achievements are purely the result of ego and greed. Learning to work with other people is a valuable skill. However, the manipulator, a person who attempts to motivate while hiding their true intentions, is best avoided whenever possible.
If you want to get through life without being conned by a manipulative person, then you'll need to learn how to tell if you are being manipulated. Here are five methods to help you tell if you are being manipulated.
Manipulators Act Differently Toward You When They Want Something
Watch for sudden changes in the way that a requester (a potential manipulator, someone who wants you to help them for selfish purposes) behaves toward you:
- They compliment you more often (assuming they ever did), particularly with regards to your valuable skills, knowledge and experience.
- You suddenly become this person's “buddy”, “pal” or “friend”. They might use your first or last names more often than normal. The requester smiles at you more often, but the smile never reaches their eyes.
- They seem interested in what you are doing. However, these are often shallow expressions of interest followed by impatience and rapid shift of subject or attention. Manipulators are always looking for opportunities and can be distracted rather easily.
- They seem eager to please you. You'll get the occasional gift or freebie from a manipulator. Just remember that a manipulator is too smart or cheap to invest a lot of money in you at this point, so they probably didn't pay for the gifts.
- The requester makes public expressions of support and need for you. Can you say “flattery”?
This positive behavior ceases after you are no longer needed or useful. If they are looking for long term help from you, the good times may roll on for some time.
The key thing to remember is that you should be cautious if the requester's behavior toward you has changed from negative or indifferent to positive and you don't know them very well.
What are you being asked to do? Does it make good business sense?
When someone starts treating you differently, particularly when you are engaged in helping them, it's a good idea to examine what you are doing for them:
- Does this work request seem irrational or counter-intuitive?
- Is it clearly to the requester's advantage for you to provide help in the way that you are being asked?
- Does this person give you evasive or defensive replies if you ask too many questions about their plans?
- Do you get vague promises of rewards which are implied more than promised (e.g. “I'll put in a good word for you.”).
- Are you doing the hard, dirty, or unpleasant work that the requester is responsible to do?
- Does the requester want you to do something that you might not normally do (or don't want to do)?
- Are you being asked to anything illegal, unethical, or contrary to company policy?
You should exercise caution and get more information if the answer if “yes” to two or more of these questions.
Is Anyone Else Helping The Manipulator?
Beware if it looks like you are being asked to do a solo job:
- No one else seems willing to help the requester
There's often a good reason why no one else is helping the requester. You might be the last resort after everyone else says no. Maybe they know something that you don't.
Is There an Air of Importance or Secrecy?
Does this assignment feel like a covert operation?
- Is the requester trying to play on your feelings of solidarity and loyalty?
- Is the requester quick to scorn or punish if you start to deviate from the plan?
- Does anyone else to understand what's really going on with this project or request?
Secrecy is sometimes necessary in most organizations, particularly in developing new products and creating business deals. However, if you don't understand why the request is being kept secret, and you can't find out, be wary.
Why You?
It's usually flattering to be asked for your help. However, you should also consider why you are being asked.
- You are the obvious choice for this task because of your skills and experience: You probably get asked for a lot of help from a lot of people and your calendar may be full. Therefore, a manipulator works extra hard to get your services.
- You are not the obvious choice for this task: be careful if you are being asked to do something particularly controversial, secret, or difficult. You might be used as a patsy or a scapegoat to protect the manipulator.
It's a shame that there are people in the world who will take advantage of the good nature of other people, but this does happen frequently. It pays to do some homework before making a commitment, especially to someone that you do not know. Before you commit yourself to any major piece of work, you should take a few minutes and run through this checklist.
If you don't like the answers that you are getting, put on the brakes and make sure that you fully understand what kind of person you are helping. A little due diligence at the beginning can save a great deal of pain and anguish later on.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Tagged:Cat String Theory
"Why do you suppose we only feel compelled to chase the ones who run away?"
~ Vicomte De Valmont, Les liaisons Dangereuses
Cats don't trust me.
Maybe its because I'm a Dog Person.
I dont hate cats...No ,actually its the other way around.
Cats simply dont trust me...especially the female ones.
We didn't get kittens.
Our cats, which were formerly strays, , one day , decided that they will live among us .So we had cats - Mala (male), chiini , chubby ,patient ,Shankara(male), Gubby, Mala Jr.(male).
Mala and Mala Jr. and shankara were easy.We bonded easily.
It was the female cats.They wouldn't even let me touch them.On rare occasions , when they did allow me to touch them , they would suddenly claw at me and run away , just because I touched them in a way they didn't like !
Hmph !
Women...I guess theyr'e the same, be it cats or Homo Sapiens.
I asked mom for help.
It was she who taught me that I had to treat females (be it cats or homo sapiens ) like the ladies they thought they were !
"Son ," Mom Began " she is a lady and likes to be treated like one...Also be sure to treat her with respect. ok ?...and yes...I think it your chances would be better if you had clean nails and were well groomed " and she winks !
"Sure Mom , I know she is a cat and all...but should I pay for the dinner too ?"
(Mom sighs)"Son , treat her with respect , Thats all I'm saying ...Let her come to you...do not impose yourself on her...dont try to smother her...Give her a chance to come to you...Once she does ...try to experiment a little...you know ...like try scratching her belly sometimes instead of scratching behind her ears...
but don't be too experimental...
if you're doing something and she likes it , dont stop...for heaven's sake dont stop, just keep going ! and always...always see how she reacts...
you gotta be a bit of a mind reader son...be one step ahead of her...anticipate and act accordingly...because if you don't know what she wants , she is likely to be pissed off at you"
Wow ...You couldn't get any better advise than that , or so you'd think...
And then I stumbled upon this piece on the net...
The Cat String Theory...
"Cats don't take orders, but they can be tempted to chase. If you tie a feather to the end of a string, and use it properly, YOU can get a cat to perform acrobatics. But isn't it interesting that if you put the feather down in front of the cat, she will turn up her nose. Cats are always curious, especially about shiny new tilings such as the ball on a rubber cord, the catnip, the treats, the feather on a string, etc. She can be easily distracted but once she is invested in tiling to catch something, it can become her single-minded focus.
There is a lot to learn from cats. If you push a cat off of you, she jumps back into your lap. If you want to hold her, then she wants you to put her down. If she is
feeling nasty she might bite or scratch. She craves attention and she gets jealous of other cats. Sometimes she'll just rub against you and purr with contentment — you can really tell when a cat likes someone. A cat sees the feather from across the room, but continues about her business. Then the feather slightly moves and her gaze is drawn. When the feather jumps once or twice more, she starts to steadily creep in its direction. Jerk the string at just the right time, and the cat suddenly goes crazy, running circles around the worn, flying over furniture to catch that feather"
WOW !
Dynamite !...
The author claims that Cat string Theory works on Women too, He may be right coz he's a playa...but for now I'm content just bonding with my cats.
~ Vicomte De Valmont, Les liaisons Dangereuses
Cats don't trust me.
Maybe its because I'm a Dog Person.
I dont hate cats...No ,actually its the other way around.
Cats simply dont trust me...especially the female ones.
We didn't get kittens.
Our cats, which were formerly strays, , one day , decided that they will live among us .So we had cats - Mala (male), chiini , chubby ,patient ,Shankara(male), Gubby, Mala Jr.(male).
Mala and Mala Jr. and shankara were easy.We bonded easily.
It was the female cats.They wouldn't even let me touch them.On rare occasions , when they did allow me to touch them , they would suddenly claw at me and run away , just because I touched them in a way they didn't like !
Hmph !
Women...I guess theyr'e the same, be it cats or Homo Sapiens.
I asked mom for help.
It was she who taught me that I had to treat females (be it cats or homo sapiens ) like the ladies they thought they were !
"Son ," Mom Began " she is a lady and likes to be treated like one...Also be sure to treat her with respect. ok ?...and yes...I think it your chances would be better if you had clean nails and were well groomed " and she winks !
"Sure Mom , I know she is a cat and all...but should I pay for the dinner too ?"
(Mom sighs)"Son , treat her with respect , Thats all I'm saying ...Let her come to you...do not impose yourself on her...dont try to smother her...Give her a chance to come to you...Once she does ...try to experiment a little...you know ...like try scratching her belly sometimes instead of scratching behind her ears...
but don't be too experimental...
if you're doing something and she likes it , dont stop...for heaven's sake dont stop, just keep going ! and always...always see how she reacts...
you gotta be a bit of a mind reader son...be one step ahead of her...anticipate and act accordingly...because if you don't know what she wants , she is likely to be pissed off at you"
Wow ...You couldn't get any better advise than that , or so you'd think...
And then I stumbled upon this piece on the net...
The Cat String Theory...
"Cats don't take orders, but they can be tempted to chase. If you tie a feather to the end of a string, and use it properly, YOU can get a cat to perform acrobatics. But isn't it interesting that if you put the feather down in front of the cat, she will turn up her nose. Cats are always curious, especially about shiny new tilings such as the ball on a rubber cord, the catnip, the treats, the feather on a string, etc. She can be easily distracted but once she is invested in tiling to catch something, it can become her single-minded focus.
There is a lot to learn from cats. If you push a cat off of you, she jumps back into your lap. If you want to hold her, then she wants you to put her down. If she is
feeling nasty she might bite or scratch. She craves attention and she gets jealous of other cats. Sometimes she'll just rub against you and purr with contentment — you can really tell when a cat likes someone. A cat sees the feather from across the room, but continues about her business. Then the feather slightly moves and her gaze is drawn. When the feather jumps once or twice more, she starts to steadily creep in its direction. Jerk the string at just the right time, and the cat suddenly goes crazy, running circles around the worn, flying over furniture to catch that feather"
WOW !
Dynamite !...
The author claims that Cat string Theory works on Women too, He may be right coz he's a playa...but for now I'm content just bonding with my cats.
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