I love spiders , even the creepy crawly ones with hairy legs and wolf like teeth.Its all thanks to stan lee and his spider man.I even had a pet spider , which died.The cat ate it and then the cat died.It was a sad sad day for me.
I always wanted a tarantula , but found out that tarantulas are rare , and found deep in the jungles and I was just a city boy who still didn't know that milk came from cow-titties , which are not sexy to look at... , so I had to abandon my mission-to -hunt - tarantulas -and get -it -as -my pet scheme .
I loved spiders so much that at home I have forbidden people from killing spiders and removing cobwebs.Anyone found killing spiders would get a stern lecture on compassion for other living creatures and another lecture on how Spiders are important for the ecosystem.
I even bought artificial cobwebs for halloween, the use of which mom forbade and threatened to throw me out of the house if these cobwebs found their way on her clean walls and ceilings.
I wish stan lee or some other comic book genius had created a Cockroach Man.
Cockroach man, cockroach man,
does what all a cockroach can,
eats the crap from garbage cans
Sewers are where he makes his stand
Watch out! Here comes the Cockroach man !!!!
Hmmm...I see a marketing problem here...
I hate to admit it , but I'm freaked out by cockroaches.Almost everyone has seen cockroaches.Those reddish ones that you see at home and those screeching black ones you see people munching on Fear Factor , for a promise of 15 minutes of fame and possibly a booty of fifty-thou' smackeroos.
They all have that characteristic broad , flattened bodies and long antennae and some have those filmy reddish brown wings .
In fact , it was mom , who convinced me that all colas are made of cockroach juice.To prove it she would hold a cola bottle in the light and show me that the colour was the same as that of a cockroach's .(No brand names people, they might sue my mom )
Hell, She made sure that I'd never succumb to Satan's Stuff to enslave impressionable minds , namely kids.(That's what she called colas and sodas and fast food ; no wonder I'm so thin !)
Cockroach; the word triggered panic in those days.It all began when I was still a kinder-gartner, about 4 years old ... did you ever wonder how most of us are fcuked up because of events in our childhood.Any event will have positive or negative outcome , but the full extent of the effect these events will be realised only in the future when it is too late and you are paying a lot of money to sleep on a couch and talk about your relationship with your mom to a shrink dressed like freud.
Its Chaos Theory in acting in full force, like a hurricane ripping through wooden slats in your roof , while you have tied yourself up in the basement with rations but with no foreseeable knowledge of what's going to happen.
Who knew that withholding chocolates and candies from robbie when he was three would make him a psychopath who dresses like a female stripper and kills his marks while calling himself candy - the sweet -ass-candy ?
A lesson learnt in parenthood , don't name your kid 'robbie' or deprive him of his chocolates .See what happened to willy wonka .
But this was far worse , for a dark cockroach with translucent wings flew around me and then decided to take a grand tour of my body -without -a-ticket, you'll be -arrested-or -worse -you'll be killed -if you go where the sun don't shine.
After the aerial reconnaissance , the cockroach decided to enter the 2 foot building that was me through the left foot entrance.Sure , when the cockroach is buzzing around you , no one , I-mean- NO-ONE says a thing , but Ooh , the cockroach wants to go in his PJ's , so everybody scream ...thus a scream and panic-fest ensued, and left me dancing like a bare foot man who had stepped on dog-poo , wildly kicking , screaming , along with the rest of the family, and then I blacked out , hyperventilating into oblivion.It turns out that while I passed out, they had stripped me off my PJ's and murdered the cockroach for committing the offence of trying to explore the nether worlds where the sun has never shone , a region , which , in the future , would have permission to be explored by girlfriends/wife/wives who were pre-approved by the family , lest they suffer the same fate as the dead cockroach.
For years , the fear was there , lurking somewhere beneath the facade of normalcy , until I decided to take up Biology.
Biology ; Why ?
As I told you before, I love animals, one of my lame fantasies being that I was Dr.Doolittle and I was surrounded by drunk capuchin monkeys and wise cracking mangy mutts and tigers that needed brain surgeries.Did I mention to you that i'm a trekkie too, you know just to make sure You understand that I was a complete geek and still am.
Frog dissections were officially banned for high-schoolers (thank god for animal activists), and dogs were dissected by practising vets , so the only thing left to slice-and -dice was the good old cockroach.
The Bio teacher , also our sex-ed teacher , who had sent me to the headmaster for snickering at the definitions of penis and vagina(someone had shouted out that 'Tom's dick is harry', to which I had unfortunately snickered ) , told the class strictly that everyone would have to get their own cockroach for the dissection, or else fail the Bio Practicals .
Brr..did the classroom just get colder or were those goosebumps due to something else ?
The prospect of catching a cockroach was something else .It brought out all the demons hiding somewhere in a closet in the cob web filled attic of may brain.
C'mon be a MAN ! Cockroaches don't bite !I had to admit it , I was being a wuss !
No! I'm not a wuss...Ha ! a wuss is a
wuss is a
WUSS, even with a black belt which he wore and pretended that he was the next karate kid , though he had quit after 2 karate lessons thanks to aching knuckles and sore and tender hamstrings.
Most of the boys were happy , and soon they all began to boast and bet on the most number of cockroaches to be caught by a single student.
The girls , just like me , were visibly upset.
I can empathasize with you girls ...I thought, but the girls were quick to go to their favourite guys and ask them to get a cockroach for them.Cockroaches were making the most disgusting boys suddenly popular with the girls.
I knew this sudden surge of popularity would last only till the end of Bio practicals.
Guess how any girls came to ask me to catch a cockroach ....none ! :-p
It was a matter of life and death and pride.I'd have to get over my fear of the cockroaches and catch myself a big one which would then be hacked open and its guts would be served to my enemies ! Haw Haw Haw ...I tried to psyche myself , but without any success.
I Knew there was an easy way out of it...Then I found it.
'MOOOOM ! Can you catch me a cockroach ...?
Mom , wise in the ways of the world , had always wanted a girl(because all men are pigs by default ), but instead wound up with Me !(she loved me though , at least that's what she told me )
Hey mom , you got your wish now , I scream like a girl when I see a cockroach.'Awww ... still a-scared of the widdle wad cockwoach ?' mom asked teasingly , turning the knife handle a bit in my back.
' Mom ...You Know I hate baby-talk...I'm not six you know ! '
'Ok...baby , you'll get your cockroach , but you have to give your old gal a kiss now...'
'MOOOM !' was all I could scream in protest , but I had to do what I had to do ...
Moms sure are weird creatures ...they generate so much love and hatred at the same time ,! i thought it was impossible to hate and love a person so much.But I did , when ever she gave the knife a turn .
She has a knife that she turns every now and then , but sometimes she saves the knife turning for some special occasions...Like the time when the guests had come , and then she started with the baby photos.
"Awww..look at my baby...isn't he a darling ? This was him , all naked , this was when he was 2 "
BAM!Steeee-riiiii-ke One !"Yeah , he liked wearing those pink frocks and those cute ribbons , doesn't he look cute ?"
(Mom's revenge for me being a boy)
BAM !
Steeee-riiiii-ke Twooo !
"You know , my poor baby had this awful condition ...awful , he used to wet his bed till he was 12 "
BAM !
Steeee-riiiii-ke Threee !
Your'e OUT !Sure Moms do that a lot.
Every mom has a knife driven deep in the back of her siblings.my mom's no diffrerent.Its as if she planted a knife in my back when I was born , and every now and then , she'll give it a turn.
Hey , I've seen all moms do the same .Some moms fret over their no-good kids who can't compete with the jones's kids who are prep school products who know the difference between a fish knife and a butter knife, while you are just too fat , too stupid , too girly (if You are a boy ), to tomboyish (if you are a girl ) and the frickin list goes on...
'Mom , I'll need the cockroach by tuesday...'
'Not to worry dear , I already caught one !'
Wow ! that was fast ,I had to ask mom to put it in an old jam jar .
"you know , Its saturday , so , if you want your's alive till tuesday , you gotta feed it "
Mom , for some reason wouldn't feed it .She finally wanted to make a man out of me !
C'mon Maw , I ain't afraid of nuthin else...I'd tell her in my best southern texas accent.
'Infact , I ain't afraid of no frogs , coons, coyotes or bats...'
Bats , mom's achilles heel ...I had touched a sore spot .She wouldn't admit it , but bats freaked her out , and I loved bats (Thank you batman !).
In the end , I had to feed the cockroach , no matter what .
To be continued...
