Momentum

I can feel it building.

Negative Momentum of Sociability.

Just a fancy schmanzy term for what's going on with me right now.

Its just a phase...one that comes and goes every now and then.

A phase where I simply eschew all social contact - retreat into my cave and hibernate.

But the momentum is building.

The more I distance myself, the faster the vortex spins-spiralling- sucking me inside -farther and farther away.

I want to break free.

How long has it been? More than a week...maybe a month.I look at her phone number as if it were the only thing that could save me.

No doubt, it has worked before.

She's been saving me without even knowing  it... always there,arms wide open.

Even now as she sleeps, I could wake her up and still hear her smile.

Maybe I'll call her tomorrow, I tell myself,like I'm in no hurry.

But doubt creeps in...Where is all this going? Does she know what's on my mind? Do I know what she wants? How will all this end?

The cave is cold...so cold it induces a narcoleptic sleep and sluggish inactivity.

Her words have fire and glowing embers of warmth - they can thaw,wake me up inside...or so I believe.Even placebos can be all powerful.

But I'm afraid my momentum is too great to resist.What if...

I'm a juggernaut incapable of being stopped.

I find myself in invisible mode,avoiding a sea of people who might want to contact.

A pseudo-hermit in practice of absence.

True absence -an existence in vacuum.

All my excuses are extinct.I have no reason to procrastinate but procrastination itself.

I type her number...hesitate...cancel...castigate myself.

Coward! Spineless Weakling! Fucking Moron!

It's just a call.

No it's not.

It might pull me out of the vortex.

It might just save my life.

And I might not want it.

And Then What?

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Crazy

I'm not talking to myself.

I'm just verbalising my random thought patterns.

No ! You're crazy!

When in China...

When in China...

This old adage(that I just made up) might prove fatal for some.

'When in China, Eat Chinese' 

Whenever I scarf into chocolates in china (my one weakness) , I'm wary about all the melamine that could be in it.

If I'm lucky I'll end up with a thick protective coating of furniture polish in my stomach lining.If not a cast 

iron stomach, I could atleast boast of shiny polished innards...If I'm lucky.

A 76 year old technician came onboard yesterday.

He looked only sixty.

What was his secret?

Two packs a day,he confesses.

Nicotine Nirvana?

No.He's just a genetic anomaly.Lucky bastard.

He offers me a stick.I refuse politely.

He expounds his theory.

'You smoke you die...' 

and pauses...

'You smoke you die...you don't smoke you die...better die smoking'

Fuckyouverymuch...I mean nothankyouverymuch.

I'd rather die not smoking.

Melamine will kill you.

But a quick glance at the ingredient label (wherever and whenever found in english) tells me that my chocolate 

contains no melamine,lead,mercury,chalkpowder or any other opportunities for a slow and painful death.

And I believe in labels.

Yeah right.

Tengo Hambre

At first it gnaws fiercely inside.

That is to be expected,

but soon hunger gives up and keeps quiet without raising its hackles.

It shows up later,

as frequent headaches,

a persistent brain fog,

but you don't see it creep up,

somewhat like the myopia.

Myopia...

Until that day you could read well, 

but then all you could remember was the headaches 

that went away with a visit to the optometrist

Oh!,that's just your eyes 

he says and slaps on a pair of glasses 

and expects your headaches to disappear.

You don't remember your vision steadily declining, 

and as far as you knew it was always fine, 

and then bam! Just like that

you begin to see fuzzyblurry words 

and the more you try to focus

the worse your headache gets.

Back to Hunger...

Water seems to quell hunger...

A fantastic,perhaps grotesque idea

but what if all the hunger in the world could be quelled by water.

It would be temporary,

just like hunger quelled by food,

so there would be no difference.

Now all we had to do was provide clean water

and pray for world peace.

As one gets used to hunger,

it loses its bite 

and after a while,

and with enough water 

one can ignore it, 

and every now and then 

let it nibble inside,and gnaw

and rest for a while,and gnaw again

In Spanish, they say 'tengo hambre'...I have hunger.

It is not the same as in English.

In English you say 'I am hungry'...

Other European languages somehow capture the truth 

when they claim 'I have hunger'

Where do you have hunger,

is it In you,On you or Over you , 

dangling like a proverbial sword of Damocles?

Do you have hunger or does it have you?

'Tengo hambre'...repeat the mantra...I have hunger.

It is in me.

It makes me sleepy,forgetful and irritable.

It makes me cranky,grouchy,sombre.

But it's a well matched fight.

And I still have hunger 

but it does not have me.

Demands

Be Honest: Tell me what you need from me,and I'll tell you if it's possible.I promise I will not hate you.

Being Honest:Maybe someday I'll tell you what I really want but promise me that you won't stop loving me.

Once we were kids

Once we were kids

Grubby hands and scraped knees...

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